Adventures in the Life of ME!

The life of a not so young college student!

2011-09-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, school started a little over 3 weeks ago already and boy am I exhausted! it seems like everything is just flying by, each day is sort of a blur of the last and the next. My classes are going well, so far. I'm staying ahead as far as I can, and putting in about 40 hrs right now both at the college,driving, and doing homework. When I add to that trips to the store, picking up daycare kids from the bus for the hubby, girl scouts, dentists ect. I'm one busy cookie! Rob has taken over the role of homeschooler, house cleaner, cook, and babysitter incredibly well! I am so blessed that I have a husband who has always been active in our daily lives and was well aware how much WORK it took to keep the house functioning!
I try to pick up some slack for him on Tue/Thur afternoons and Friday's by running errands and doing the pick-up for him, and although it adds to my craziness, I am also greatful I get to do those little things to ease the load for him.

So, its almost the end of the THIRD week.....did I mention that already? did I also mention that I've missed 3 weeks of science and math lessons, 3 weeks of hearing my little girl read, 3 weeks of tuck ins, and I love you's and hey mom I don't understand how to do this.....Well I have, I've missed A LOT, and it makes me sad. BUT i've also gained 3 weeks of ground toward our future. So, on the rough days, like today, when I want to go home and tuck in my kids instead of going to terminology class, or on the mornings when Samantha asks me to stay home and I tell her I want to but have to go yet secretly aching to just relent and stay with her.......on those rough days, I remember I'm closer to our goal and it will all be worth it in the end! For now, I am just going to just keep breathing and keep taking those ever so important steps, just like my family is doing at home, and together, we will get to the finish line!

what a difference 24 hrs can make

2011-06-12T00:48:00.000-07:00

I think everyone who actually reads my blog is a close friend, so you all know the struggles that Rob and I have faced medically and financially for the last decade or so. Today was another one of those roller coaster rides that I wanted to get off of. But it led to some changes, scary changes, but I think positive changes. First, Rob's unemployment quarter for benefits was adjusted for the new quarter...this dropped our benefits by HALF....meaning that the amount we had previously gotten was just enough to support us is nowhere near enough now. SO first order of business was to reorganize, put things on hold, decide who we could forgo paying, and reapply for state aid on Monday. No sooner did we have that conversation, and went back to talking to the kids and deciding what was for dinner, Rob came back into our bedroom to talk to me, and what he said caught me completely off guard, it made my heart break, and it made me scared and hopeful all in about 20 min.

Rob's health has been better than it was for the last 4 years, but it hasn't been great. Lately, it's been getting worse. about 6 months ago his treatments were increased so that he is receiving them every 6 weeks rather than every 8 to try and manage his symptoms and until recently it was working. But it seems that his symptoms have been returning. he is regularly completely exhausted, spends an average of 3-6 hrs a day in the bathroom and has been plagued by headaches for months now a couple of days a week.
yet even with all of this he was ready to enroll in classes this summer and talking about all the things he was going to need to do to get back to the university, little did I know he has been contemplating for a month the changes that came about tonight.

To my surprise, Rob came in tonight and finally after 8 years, said the words to me "I don't know if I can do this, I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I think it is time for me to stay home with the kids and for you to go back to school. How fast can you get your RN License and be working to support us?" I was so caught off guard that it took me a min. to respond. I could see that this was a hard thing for him, and as we talked he admitted that it wasn't what he wanted to do, he WANTED to be healthy, and be able to support his family financially, but the fact was he is sick, and he can't change it. he actually said the words "I am afraid I have painted us into a corner in my stubbornness, and I'm sorry.....but I am glad I know you are in the corner with me, so we can get out" My heart broke, to see him finally coming to terms with his illness, and honestly I panicked a little bit to realize that its all on me now.

SO plans have changed, Rob is going to drop his classes, I have enrolled in classes in Delano (45 min away) for this semester so that I can have priority registration in the spring. I am taking Interpersonal communication, Anthropology, Medical Terminology, and Mathematical Statistics. I am hoping to be able to stay with a friend up there on Monday's and Wednesdays so that I don't have to make the drive home after a 13 hr. day. After this semester I will have 4 science classes an English class and an intro nursing class to finish to apply for the program. I'm hoping that I can be applying by Fall 2012 and get in quickly because its a 2 year program.
In the mean time, Dad will be homeschooling the kids, and even babysitting like I have been to try and bring in the extra cash that my financial aid will be lacking, but he will be home, near a bathroom which he needs, and able to sleep at least 9 hrs a night since he won't have homework or any of that which he also needs.
I am going to try and get him to apply for SSDI as well to supplement our income, and hopefully we will get cash aid as well.
Dear friends, please keep us in your thoughts as we make all these changes. It is going to be a hard transition for all of us but I think that it will be a change for the better in the end.

changing my career goals- changing my life

2011-06-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

For a very long time I have wanted to work with children, to be a medical professional, and to own my own business. Most of these ideas about who I wanted to be when I "grew up" changed drastically when I had children. My sole goal the last 8 years it seems has been simply to be the best mother and wife I can be, to give every ounce of what I have to my children. psychotically so.......yes I understand that is probably harsh, but I have seriously developed a psychosis over the years, to the point of having panic attacks and mental break downs when I felt like for any reason I was choosing to do something that took away from me being physically and emotionally available for my children at ALL times. The only job I have ever been able to hold for any length of time was at the animal ER. Because I knew, that I was only gone for 2 hrs before bed, and that they slept through my shift. I was there for play dates, birthdays, diaper changes, meals, ect. and they were young ( do you know I never left Matthew overnight or for more than a 2 hr dinner out, until I was 5 months pregnant with his sister?!). It actually got worse when they got older, then if I missed a trick or treat, if I wasn't active in the preschool and kindergarten class a minimum of 1 day a week, if I didn't accompany Matthew to every enrichment class every Wednesday, I was failing as far as I was concerned.

So, when I started college in 2007 I took two semesters of full time classes, I left my kids with a sitter or their dad a few hours every day, I told myself I could do it, it was worth it, It was NEEDED for me to get this degree....and yet I beat myself up, I cried, I sobbed...my poor husband...trying so hard to convince me that it was ok, that the kids were ok, that I WAS a good mom even if I didn't sit down to dinner every night with the kids.... and ultimately telling me to do whatever my heart needed to do. eventually I dropped my classes, all of them. Homeschooling 3 kids, enrichment, football practice, high school class days, I just couldn't be there for everything AND take my classes, and I wouldn't DARE to NOT be there!

This year, I realized that I had convinced myself that my demons, my childhood damages would some how affect my children. For some reason, I placed my fears in my children and vowed to protect them from something they didn't even know, from something they had never experienced. This year I realized, It was ME who was left alone with strangers for years, not having my family to trick or treat with or a mom or dad to go to parent conferences with, it was ME who felt cheated while mom and dad ran the business and I took care of a sibling, it was ME who wished that my mom had made it to more than 1 choir concert and ROTC parade in high school after missing 4 years of my life before. and no none of this was fair, and most of this I need to deal with still, but it's NOT my children!!! they have never known a day without mom or dad, they believe with all of their heart that we will be there tomorrow, because its what they know. I have given my children everything I got taken from me, and because of this it is OK for me to miss a football practice because I'm at class, or drop the kids of at enrichment once a month and NOT stay with them, because they KNOW I'll be at the next one, because they aren't afraid of MY demons!
I have been slowly spending more and more time doing little things for myself, I've lost 40 lbs this year, partly because I go to the gym 3-5 nights a week....and I miss bed time to do it! I go to the store without my kids, and I was forced this year (although a blessing in disguise!) to alternate between the kids enrichment classes every Wednesday meaning they only got me for one of their 3 classes every week, and I got to see that they were still OK!

All of this has lead to a change in my career goals. I had decided to complete a degree in child development mostly because it was fast and easy and something I could use to run an in-home preschool (aka. never having to leave my kids) BUT with my new Epiphany this year and my growth, I have decided to go back to my roots, back to what I wanted BEFORE kids...I'm so grateful not to feel like this makes me LESS of a mom!....soooo drum roll please.....

I have 6 classes left to take and I will be applying for the Registered Nursing Program at the junior college!!!!! after completing the program I will have my RN license and from there I want to get my BSN as a midwife and maybe one day I will start my own birthing center, but at the very least I will work with mommy's and babies. I am beyond excited to be doing something that I LOVE and I am praying that I have the strength to remind myself on these long nights of the things I have been learning this year!

the ups and the downs

2011-06-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well it seems that Life has pulled me away from all my writing lately....I'd love to say its a good thing, that life was going GRAND and I had nothing to share or vent on here....but as seems to be the case in my life that is far from the truth.

We have been so crazy lately again! Rob had to take extra classes this summer because he failed his second class at the university, causing him to loose his financial aid and get academically disqualified. Although I think the 10 week break ended up being a positive thing for him, he needed some time to breathe after 4 years of full time college!

Of course the down side there was that the financial aid was also cancelled, and we live off of that money. Again I was blessed with friends that helped pick up slack and loaned us cash, as well as a babysitting job. We have continued to pull through.
It seems when a door is closed a window is opened in our lives, I do wish that they would open just a bit more, but at least there is a trickle to keep us going.

We also started the process of getting legal custody of Robert this month. there again I thought that all was lost, two lawyers both wanted $4,000- half being a retainer to help us, and again, a good friend referred us to a family lawyer who is an amazing person, and who is doing everything for us for $1300!!!! so now the job really starts, paying him! again I feel blessed, not only is he giving us this HUGE discount, he is taking payments.....they are payments we really can't afford still, but they are payments we will make!

I have gotten even more creative in my cooking in the last 3 weeks or so....the other night I created a meal that everyone LOVED completely out of thin air, if you want to cook on a half a penny, try some of these recipes: I feed 3 adults, a 17 year old and 2 children who often eat more than the adults, and SOMETIMES we even have left overs!

potato casserole:
6 thinly sliced potatoes
1 can of kidney beans (drained)
6 cooked and shredded chicken legs (previously seasoned with a curry sauce from last nights dinner, but you can add whatever seasoning you want!)
1 Can of diced tomatoes
1 can of chicken broth
1 cup of milk

Layer a pan with your potatoes (I layered them two deep)
put beans, meat, tomatoes and seasons on top of potatoes
pour milk and chicken broth over everything
cook on 375 degrees for an hour or until tomatoes are tender and serve!
total cost for tonight's dinner: $7.62 or $1.27 per person!! :)

the kids said they would have liked olives, and cheese in this one, and maybe even a dollop of sour cream after its served, but everyone ate this just the way it was :)

Thai Peanut chicken:
3 chicken leg quarters cook and shredded
1 jar of San J Gluten free Thai peanut sauce (this is HALF the cost of the meal, but its OH SO GOOD!)
half of a white onion
one green bell pepper
3 cups of white rice

cook rice
dice bell peppers and onion and cook until tender in a pan with 2 tbs. of oil
add veggies and chicken in half a jar of sauce and simmer until it becomes thick
serve chicken and veggies over rice with additional half jar of sauce for everyone to add to taste individually :)
Cost: $10.41 or $1.74 per person!!

Tacolada casserole
12 pack corn tortillas
1 lb ground turkey (beef is cheaper if you can use it!)
1/4 cup of milk
8 0z of a chevre cheese of your choice (we use goat running $4.99 for 8 0z)
1/2 a jar a green salsa
fresh cilantro
fresh onion
1 can of black olives
1 can of tomatoes (drained)
1 can re-fried beans

cook meat
layer bottom of sprayed pan with 6 of your corn tortillas
add meat, salsa, olives, and tomatoes and beans
layer 6 more tortillas on the top
melt cheese in 1/4 cup of milk and pour melted cheese and milk over top layer of tortillas.
cook uncovered at 350-375 degrees until dish is warm and cheese sauce has firmed on top of crisp tortillas (about 20-30 min)
Cost: $ 11.96 or $1.99 per person!!

I try to stay under $2 per person per meal and as close to $1.50 as I can for dinners
I will post more of my concoctions as I come up with them!
until next time friends!

I am MOM

2011-01-31T20:29:00.000-08:00

it's become very clear to me over the last few months that I am "mom" to many people in my life. I mean of course I am the mom to my children, and my animals in my house, but I am also the "mom" to a number of 20 somethings that I have met since meeting Amyee in my ASL class close to 3 years ago. I am the one that everyone calls when they are sick and want to know if they should be worried about the blood tinge in their mucus, I am the one that everyone calls when they are fighting with a significant other and want advice, I am the one that everyone calls when they are bored or need help with a resume or a ride to a job or someone to sit with them in the ER, and I am also the one that gets called by the ones with babies. I get breastfeeding questions, I get general health questions, & I get baby sitting requests. for the most part I don't mind any of it, I like being there for people I like helping! I hear a lot of "your the best!" and "thanks so much!" and my response is always the same: "glad I could help" or "happy to" and I really am! BUT I'm feeling recently like I need some time for ME, and like maybe I need to find a way to be ok with saying: "no I can't do that today" or "I really don't have the energy to be the relationship person today"
but I find that hard to do, my desire to help others has always been a fault and I'm starting to relegate some responsibility to my husband and my kids for things (although its hard with the kids, that's another post!) I really need to start expanding that to everyone else in my life....its just so HARD! I'm the give you the shirt off my back even if its the last one I have kind of person....not sure if I will ever change!

anxiety...

2011-01-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

the last few days have been very good days filled with Samantha's birthday celebration, filing our taxes and seeing our return amount, buying a new couch to be delivered on Friday, and getting things picked up and organized around the house. Yet I have been so full of anxiety....at night before I am falling asleep, and first thing in the morning when I open my eyes that familiar knot is in my stomach and my heart is racing... regularly throughout the day I find myself short of breath, with the overwhelming feeling. I have started back on my Gaba twice a day and I think tomorrow morning I am going to start on the Saint John's Wort again and see if that gets things back into check. I really hate to get back on the pharmaceutical meds again if I can help it, I am hoping if I stay diligent with my herbs I will be ok.
In the mean time, I REALLY hate feeling like this! I am trying to keep myself busy and just ignore it through most of the days since getting lost in the feelings doesn't help them go away.

it's offical, I'm 30......

2011-01-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

and its not so bad! LOL my husband for the first time in 15 years of being together did the most romantic thing he has EVER done for ANY special event or holiday!
he (ahead of time mind you!) booked a trip to Catalina Island for us for my birthday! he found someone to watch the little ones, arranged for someone to drop off and pick up Robert from Tuesday classes, and even looked into the different things to do on the island while we were there!
I had the most AMAZING time! we caught a boat in the Long Beach harbor at 10am and had a nice 1 hr. boat ride in calm waters to Catalina, about 20 min before we docked, we saw a pod of dolphins swimming not to far from the ship, such a neat sight! when we docked we were just in time to buy tickets for the semi submersible boat tour, which took us around the island to lovers cove,a marine preserve, and let us shoot "fish food torpedoes" at the fish and watch them come right up to the window to eat, as well as a few kelp forests, it was a really neat sight and experience!

following the tour we had lunch on a deck on the ocean of clam chowder, and shrimp, scallop, and sword fish kabobs.....lovely!
then we just walked around and explored the island a little bit, visited some shops, looked for some geocaches, and had some homemade fudge and coffee.
Dinner was a clam chowder in a sour dough bowl and a mai tai to drink (rob had oysters on the half shell and a shot of tequila!) followed by more exploring and finally waiting for our 7:30pm boat departure
It was beyond a shadow of a doubt the most relaxing day I have had in a LONG TIME and the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!
I can't wait to see what my 30's have in store for me, because if they are anything like the first day, its gonna be one Helluva a ride!

living the truth of the season and believing in miracles!!!

2010-12-23T00:25:00.000-08:00

We had a visit the other day....it came as a suprise.
On Sunday evening I got a text message from the pastor of the Deaf church where i used to teach Sunday school and provide child care for Wednesday night Deaf bible study about 2 years ago now. He asked if he could meet with me and the family on Monday some time in the evening, I wasn't sure what it was about but of course I said yes.
Monday all day I wondered what the reason for Jeff's visit was? finally I decided, It must have something to do with my visit with Mrs. Sampley and her asking me what the names and ages of the kids were. I surmised that they were probably going to bring over some small gifts for the kids, and I was grateful for the opportunity to have a few extra things under the tree since at that point each of my 3 children had exactly ONE gift from us to unwrap and one or two gifts that my mother had sent...that was all that would be under our tree this year, and although I was remaining positive that we actually HAD a gift to unwrap, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed by the circumstances.
Monday was also that day that Rob picked up his last and finally check from his job, it was $430.00...our bills as of Monday that were all due by the 1st of Jan. were $1,030.00 without gas for the car or groceries factored in. I had decided i would pay for the cell phones, so that we could get the calls for unemployment interview and hopefully the VA medical benefits, and maybe my worker for food-stamps, and I would buy a few groceries and put a little gas in the car. Everyone else would just have to wait or come and take/shut off what was theirs for failure to pay, and if the food didn't last, we would go to the food bank. In the mean time I had decided, we would enjoy our little Christmas, and do what we could to make things work till some of next quarters loan money came from the college after the new year.

Monday we had just finished a quite yummy dinner when Jeff sent a message asking for my address. I have to admit I was a bit nervous since we haven't used a whole lot of sign on a regular basis!
Jeff and his wife were soon at our door and I was motioning them to come in out of the rain, they had with them a bag full of little stuffed animals and goodies for the kids that they said we could wrap or give to them, whatever we wanted to do, and they handed me a card, and asked that we not open it until they left. We all stood in the kitchen for a while and chatted about how big the kids were getting, how his boys who are around Roberts age, play 8 man football for a local christian HS here in town, and about when Jeff was younger and stayed in a "room for rent" where he ate every morning at the restaurant down the road in the truck stop after he got up to feed the horses and head to the local community college for classes, and we made fun of my cross eyed little Mosimo kitty. It was a very nice visit with some nice laughs! After many thank yous and Merry Christmas's, and hugs the Pastor and his wife left, and Rob grab the card off of our bar to open it.

As Rob opened the card, I was standing behind him and the first thing he said was "Holy SHIT!" I turned around in time to see 3 $100 bills fall onto the bar, and I grabbed his arm! "Are you Kidding!?" was all I could say.... "there's more!" is what he said...under the cash was a $100 target gift card, $25 chevron gas card, and $50 foodmaxx grocery store card! I was honestly in shock...I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry I think I just kept saying "oh my God!" over and over and over again. after about 10 min. I finally realized that I needed to text Jeff. I sent him this message:
"please tell everyone who made this blessing possible for our family thank you from us, I have tears of gratitude right now and can't tell you how much this means to us!"
his response was simply: "God bless you all, Merry Christmas!"
it was at that point that I really cried, I was so overwhelmed with the blessing we had received!

SO, today, I went Christmas shopping! I got one more gift for each of the kids, a gift for my husband, and a gift for a few of our closest friends. I put gas in my car, and I bought some things from the grocery store. We still have some cash left so I am saving it to help with some expenses. I truly feel blessed this Christmas Season! and I can't say enough thank you's to our Church Family at LBC Deaf Church!
God is GOOD!

feeling better....but its just a feeling

2010-12-16T01:10:00.000-08:00

I met with my friend/mentor. It was a great visit. she was a big help, called the church and got us some food gift cards and a gas card so I didn't have to worry about gas for a few days!
Her husband (I had no idea at the time) also happens to be a licensed counselor, so she shared my email with him and asked him what advice he would give to me if I came to his office. He told her, she said, the same thing he had years ago when their children were young (her youngest is mid 20's now) "you can not, and should not live your life based on your feelings. feelings are just things, they change, min. to min., day to day, moment to moment. Instead, live your life and make your decisions based on FACTS whatever you base your facts on (the bible scripture, the teachings of the Koran, scientific study, ect) whatever you believe as true and factual is what you should turn to in times you "feel" in crisis" it was like a light-bulb for me. I feel so deeply the things that happen around me, that I sometimes let those feelings consume me without giving much thought to the FACTS. I do believe in a higher power, I DO believe that there IS a plan for our lives that we in fact have a hand in laying out before we come to this earth, I DO believe that we are here to fulfill a purpose. these things are my truth, they are my fact.

1.) I am here, living this life, having these experiences for a reason, an important reason
2.) there IS something bigger than my life that created this plan and purpose with me
3.) there ARE many guides and Angels that will lead and support me in my journey if I remember to ask them and seek their guidance when I feel lost.
4.) My family and my children complete me as a person, we are not perfect and neither am I and that is OK as long as I am complete.
5.) Hope is a feeling, and sometimes it gets lost....the fact is that I will continue the path I am supposed to be on and the feelings will return to a state of normalcy on their own, I do not need to search for them
6.) I believe in the Truth of miracles, I believe they have happened to me before, and I believe they will happen for me again.

I am now reminding myself, in the days that I want to pull out my hair (like today when I found out my oldest needs PT 3 times a week for 3 weeks for his knee...$255+ minimum) and "feel" out of control that my TRUTH, My FACT, is that I never had control to begin with and that all of these things will be provided for and experienced as I was meant to, and when it's all said and done I will "feel" the peace that I have searched for because I believed in the facts!

I will close with the reading that was in the book that Mrs. Sampley gave to me the day I visited her. its a daily devotional that a friend gave her years ago, it was in a box in her garage, she went and got it and gave it to me and we read allowed from the day that corresponded with the day of my visit...it gave me chills...
"Stay ever so close to me, and you will not deviate from the path I have prepared for you. This is the most efficient way to stay on track; it is also the most enjoyable way. Men tend to multiply duties in their observance of religion. This practice enables them to give Me money, time, and work without yielding up to Me what I desire the most-their hearts. Rules can be observed mechanically. Once they become habitual, they can be followed with minimal effort and almost no thought. these habit-forming rules provide a false sense of security, lulling the soul into a comatose condition. What I search for in My children is an awakened soul that thrills to the Joy of My Presence! I created mankind to glorify Me and enjoy Me forever. I provide the Joy; your part is to glorify Me by living lose to Me."
~Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

Unemployment rollercoaster again

2010-11-30T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well to add to my oh so fun couple of weeks emotionally, Rob got laid off yesterday. YEP 3rd time in 3 years, and after only 3 months of working after an 18 month stint on unemployment. I'm angry, I don't want to have to deal with the food-stamps office or the food-bank line again, but I won't have choice in a few weeks if things don't fall into place pretty quickly with loans and grants and military disability information.

On the up side, yes I still have those occasionally, I have scheduled a meeting with a very great woman next week, an old college professor who was somewhat of a mentor to me. I emailed her about some of my struggles and she asked to meet with me in person. I am actually looking forward to it. pouring my heart out to someone in person who isn't my husband sounds like it might be a cleansing experience, I am hoping to come away from it with a renewed bit of energy and hope. I really hope I feel a bit better soon....I'm trying, I really am, but It's not helping much yet. i guess I haven't given up hope completely if I am willing to keep trying...part of my personality I guess, I am a fighter, even when I don't want to be anymore.

more reflections....

2010-11-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

SO I've realized more about this journey into hopelessness....more ideas of where it has come from...
1st, I have lost what faith I had in a spirit or energy larger than my self, I think this used to make me feel like there was a bigger plan for my life, a bigger reason for why I went through in my life, from birth forward I have struggled....now I am believing that all of that was crap, I've struggled because I drew the short straw, sometimes that happens I suppose.
2nd I have found that some of my distress comes from my approaching birthday. I had previously convinced myself that the first few years of my marriage that started at 18, the first few years of parenthood that started at 21, those were supposed to be times when young couples and young families struggled, this was a natural thing...I mean sure our struggles were a bit extream, but still, we were young this was how life was supposed to be right? Well I realized the other day that none of the goals I had set for myself to reach by the time I was 30 have been reached. I haven't purchased my own home, I don't have a degree, I'm not a room mom, I'm not involved in the PTA or a big sports program with my kids, My husband doesn't have a steady job, we don't take family vacations, we have to retirement plan or investments, I don't have neighbors that I am friends with, my kids don't play in the nice backyard with kids from the neighborhood. I know this probably sounds silly, but its the picture I made for myself...my birthday is about 6 weeks away and that picture, those things won't happen either because they never will due to circumstances and health, or because I just don't have time to get them accomplished while helping to support everyone else in what they need. I am responsible for my children's education and for supporting my husband in his educational goals and health needs, he has assured me that everyone in our family is what they are and has gotten to where they are in life because of my support...somehow that doesn't make me feel any better....but I'm working on it....how do you move forward when your facing a milestone birthday and every dream you have had for yourself aside from marriage and children has been crushed?? that's the question of the week...

life is limbo

2010-11-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

I've notice for years that I have felt repeatedly like my life is IN limbo....nothing has ever stayed the same for long, always things are changing, and unsure. Recently I have come to the conclusion that my life IS limbo....these things that keep happening- jobs changing, children growing and struggling, routines being adjusted, they were all things that until now I had hoped would settle down and become something familiar and comfortable if I waited it out long enough I would find my peace. Instead what I have found is that these things are never going to happen, jobs will keep changing, kids will keep struggling, routines will continue to change and nothing will ever be the same from day to day.
financially I believe we will always be in this place, of barely making the ends meet. after all, once Rob actually gets a teaching job in a high school somewhere, we will be paying off student loans and helping Robert start in college, and then when he finally gets a job at a university in 5 years, Matthew will be 2 years from graduating high school, we will be buying new cars and paying off his masters degree loans and starting to prepare to have two children in College....all of this is of course holding onto the hope that Rob's health holds up and he is able to get a good job with the degree that he is obtaining. But to be honest, finances at this point in our lives are something I just survive anymore...there is very little you can do to plan for the unforeseen when you are barely making it to begin with!

The other thing I have come to terms with recently is my own peace and calm and feeling of togetherness. I have decided recently that I will never find that which I am searching for. That feeling of overwhelmed chaos, of grasping at sanity, feeling unaccomplished and constantly managing things around me isn't going to end until MAYBE my children are out of the house...MAYBE...
I am trying to cushion myself, trying to find places of support for parents of children with Asperger's, I'm looking for a support group for spouses with partners who are chronically ill, and also into personal counseling. I am really hoping that if I give myself an outlet, a place to be the NOT strong one, and a place where I am not afraid to let it all out and let be what it is I will feel less overwhelmed and maybe more at peace.
For right now I am hanging on by a very thin thread of emotional and physical appearance of normalcy. Although, internally I am very much afraid that I am falling apart, but I have come to the point where I don't even want to talk about it with anyone because I am tired of always being the one who is falling apart in some aspect of her life, there is nothing anyone can say that they haven't said before, and there is nothing anyone can do to make sure that any of these things don't happen to us anymore. For the rest of my life I will be the mother of a child with Asperger's who struggles to function in society in a normal way, I will always be the wife of a man who at any point could loose his job due to an unforeseen bout of digestive health issues, or vertigo. For the rest of my life I will agonize over choosing to be a mother, a home school-er, and a wife rather than a career woman who could have provided for her family and yet would have held the guilt of not being the mother that I believe I should be (I can't fathom not being available to my children 24/7 I feel more than strongly, to my very core actually, that if I am NOT available to them and active with them at ALL times that I have failed them) I know that it is not logical that I feel this way, but it is who I am and it is what I have chosen and it is what I will live in forever.

I guess what I'm saying is I have given up at my own happiness and my own dreams. I have decided to do what I need to survive and HOPEFULLY make life a little easier and happier for my children so that they don't have to live the way that I am. I had dreams of owning my own daycare or children/mothers clothing store, I had dreams of being financially stable of providing what my family needed without worry of grabbing a Starbucks coffee once or twice a week, I had dreams of Family vacations once or twice in my children's life time to places like Disney Land or Sea World, I had a dream of buying my own home with a nice fenced in yard that was in a safe neighborhood and retiring in it to have a place for my kids to bring their families.
Now I simply dream that my children will be able to do these things, because we will work so hard for the rest of our lives to make sure that they can. I will educate them, I will help them to attend college and graduate before they are 30 so that they can travel and buy a home and have a family and do all of the things that I will never do because I have become who I am and I will always be a life of Limbo. It is what it is, I accept it and I now must learn to live in it and still maintain my facade of contentment and strength, a person who people see as strong and amazing and optimistic...its what I want everyone to see, especially my children so that they can be more than what is the REAL me because the real me is not a very good or happy person, she is bitter, she is angry, she is discouraged and she is broken beyond repair I fear....

Grandpa

2010-11-16T14:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we got mail from My grandmother in MN for Matthew's birthday. It had a card and a note from great grandma Hartwig like it always has...only this Card was only signed great Grandma Hartwig....and the envelope doesn't have the little address sticker that says Ralph Hartwig, or Ralph and Phyllis Hartwig...It just says Phyllis Hartwig. I realized its been a year and a half almost since my Grandfather died...this is the first time it really hit me that he's not there anymore...not even in the signiture on the cards or the return address label.
I wasn't close to my grandparents as an adult, but I was as a child...weird that it's hitting me today....I miss you Grandpa....

Matthew and mommy

2010-11-16T10:19:00.001-08:00

I have so much going on right now I've decided to break it up into a few different posts. My hardest struggle right now is my youngest son.
Matthew is an amazing, smart, energetic, curious, loving little boy. He is also a very destructive, loud, aloof, child who is unable to make logical connections.... like when mom says "stop singing at the table" he says "ok" and then starts humming, and when I look at him and say " I said STOP!" he says quite matter of factly and in no way being a smart-aleck "I did! you said stop SINGING, I'm humming" or when I look at my wall in the bedroom right above my head and I see the equations: 1 +1=2 1-1=0 written on it, and I say "are you supposed to write on things other than paper?" and he says "no" and I say "well then why did you write this here?" and he says "I don't know, it was in my head and I wanted to write it down?" I say "why didn't you write it one paper?" he says "because I didn't have any paper!" you see he doesn't have that ability to control the impulses, he has something in his head and he has to say it, share it or write it. he doesn't make the logical step that the person he's speaking to has asked him to wait a second, he already started a thought and even if you talk through him, he WILL finish it, he will write repeatedly and draw on nearly every surface in my house no matter how many times I have had him clean it off, or talked about the "rules" about drawing and writing. He will follow someone who is walking away to finish telling them something he finds interesting, and he doesn't hear or understand the cues of a persons voice who is no longer interested in what he was speaking about. He can NOT clean his room with any sort of order, unless everything is labeled and there is a small amount of things to be put away, mind you that would mean that he left the labels on his drawers rather than having the need to peel them off whenever I've put anything up! everything he sees is like its in a 1-2 foot circle outside of his body, and if what he is looking for or trying to do is outside of that circle then he can't find it or accomplish it, He's so Intelligent. He's reading and spelling, and doing math problems that are at least a grade level above his peers and he comprehends what he reads and remembers his spelling words like no other...he turned 8 on Sunday and for nearly a year now he has been able to spell "because" you know how many times we went over it last year?----- 3! he can do all of these academic things, and yet...he can't Not draw on the wall, or think about the idea that taking the picture hanging on his wall off the wall putting it on his bed and standing on it to see what would happen might not be a GOOD idea...did he know he shouldn't have? yes, he said he did, when I asked him why he would do that.... while I'm trying to make sure there are no glass shards on his bed... he says "I just wanted to see what would happen and if it could hold my weight"
Nothing he owns has any personal value to him in the short term...long term he can be upset if I take something away and he really wants it he swears he can take care of it and be careful with it (the dvd movies, his DS, his games, his books) but as soon as he gets it back he is back to square one its like he cares about it, but not enough to encourage him to stop his destructive behavior.
I am literally at my whits end with all of this, I am a very patient person, Matthew is 8 years old, and yet I follow him around and barricade my home as if I still have a toddler...a very intelligent, tall, strong toddler...one who can use chairs to get to things, climb on counters and into closets, and over baby gates and open doors..and I am exhausted! I am always on alert, because if I'm not things like the picture frame, and drawings and broken things happen, and I have to clean up the aftermath. I'm so tired...I want a nice house, one where things get put away regularly when mom asks (not all the time of course, and not on their own, I'm not that dilluted!) but a house where I can hang nice things on the walls without fear of them being dislodged and used as a toy, I'd like to have an oil diffusor or candles out without fear of the house being burnt down, or having to call poison control because matthew wanted to "taste" it. I want my kids to be able to have an art and craft area, one that has color crayons and color-books and paper and pencils that they can use to create when they would like without the fear of the artwork being on my walls and door and counters. I want to be able to let Matthew play outside on the trampoline or the swing set or his skateboard and when I say stay out of the dirt he actually does it 90% of the time rather than being in the dirt 90% of the time. I'd love to not have to clean laundry to the tune of 4 pairs of jeans and underwear a day because "he didn't realize he had to go" while he was playing, or doing school work or watching t.v. Yes I know, set a timer and have him go every 30min/hr./2hrs I've heard it, and I've done it...yest it works...but I have to CONTINUE to do it FOREVER do you know how much energy it takes to remind your child to do something EVERY 2 hrs all day long for YEARS??(because you must realize that Matthew won't go on his own when he hears the timer after a while, simply because it becomes something he is used to hearing and so he tunes it out like the rest of the things going on around him..therefor I will have to vocally que him) on top of reminding them of the other basic things you do during the day, schooling them and keeping a house as well as reminding your other two children of the things they need to accomplish? because the amount of energy it takes is DRAINING...so draining that doing 4-5 loads of laundry a day seems like a better deal, that is until you have some much laundry to do that you can't catch up anymore no matter how hard you try.... did I mention I'm exhausted? I'm burnt out? I'm frustrated?
but the alternative is worse....put him in public school, when he is teased a, even at the charter school when I'm not there for one class and with his sister or a few feet behind the class observing, by children his own age and called a "freak" because of his inability to understand a joke, or where his is picked on because he doesn't know how to "watch for the teacher" before tormenting your class mates so when a child pushes, hits, ect him and he retaliates he is the one the teacher sees...and it doesn't occur to him to tell the teacher....and hes far to intelligent to be comfortable in a special ED program, he would know that the other kids had some major issues, and he wouldn't understand why he couldn't be with the kids his age or his "friends" (remember if you talk to Matthew or show any interest in something his is doing or saying at all you are now his friend forever, even if you walked away, or called him a freak, or hurt him by pulling on his arms purposefully, you are still his friend, and he will still seek you out and let you continue this behavior because he doesn't understand those social cues)
My hear aches for my son...he is such a loving intelligent child...he has so much to offer this world, but I fear if he doesn't develop some ability to create a system to function in society, to control his impulsiveness, to learn some of the cues of social interaction that he will not be able to use any of his gifts because he won't be able to actually exist in the outside world in any productive manner. And I have determined that I am having a hard time figuring out how to help him do that without exhausting myself!
I am going to an Asperger's/high functioning autism - parent support group tonight. I hope that it helps!
here are some of matthews more perminante art work and some of the most recent stuff that I will be having him remove shortly!
first, on the wall in the kitchen by the cat water dish

second: on his desk area for school...this one was in the last 24 hrs and will be cleaned today

the equation on my wall above my bed:

a music box that I got for chirstmas from a friend last year:

what happens to the paint on the wall by the toilet when matthew is bored while going potty...or at night when everyone is sleeping and he can't:

matthew's door, its kinda hard to see but there is read marker drawings along the whole thing from top to bottom as well:

one side of the furnace in the hallway

the other side of the furnace, along with the peeled drywall from the pressure crack that he just HAD to pull off.

the other side of the hallway:

my craft shelves

the wall behind the dresser in Robert's room

there are a few more, like the giant red "M" on my printer and the black lightning bolt in marker by the coffee pot on the wall, but you get the idea...everything in pencil is relatively new within the last week, marker is obviously older and not going anywhere..... UHG!

I was joking.....but is it true?

2010-11-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

This morning I was sweeping the floor, the kids were eating breakfast, and Rob was trying to get out the door for class. I was reminding him of things... "did you pack your lunch?", did you take out the laundry for me so I can get it done today?" "don't forget the hearing aid store" "don't forget to talk to the VA rep at the college" and jokingly I asked " what would you do without me?" to which he replies "I would die??" this tends to be a normal morning/ day around here. Mom reminds everyone of everything...it's just the way it is. just as Rob was walking out the door I said "did you remember your meds for your refill?" Rob says "Oh crap!, thanks!" grabs them and comes over to give me a kiss.
I smile and say "why am I having to remind you of everything this morning?" and from the kitchen I hear Samantha say:
"cuz your the women that's why!" not womAN but womEN....as in "that is what women do! duh"
It made Rob and I giggle, but I began to realize that as much as I joke about it, it really is true, WOMEN tend to be the ones to hold the house together no matter how much else they have going on (school, work, kids, house, doctors) they always seem to be the ones that keep everyone's schedule in check. And even at nearly 6 years old my daughter has observed and learned this behavior as FACT...I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not?
One afternoon after my mental breakdown a few weeks ago, Robert said to me "Mom, nothing can happen to you, we need you! if you weren't here the whole house would self destruct!" I laughed at him....but I think he's right!

One week...better but not great!

2010-11-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a week since my miniature breakdown, and I've only had one little overwhelmed teary eyed moment. The Gabba and 5HTP do seem to be helping manage the feelings of anxiety. I'm still feeling overwhelmed and like I desperately need to take a break from everything, but I just don't see that happening until the new year possibly? I am considering puling the little kids out of their enrichment classes for the second half of the year after Christmas vacation. just to give us one less thing to have to go and do. I was considering enrolling the kids in a home-school offered swim class instead that way I would feel like they are getting out and doing things but it would only be one afternoon a week for an hour vs. 4 hrs...IDK yet how I feel about that tho, they enjoy their classes SO much! I've also considered the possibility of leaving them at enrichment like other parents do instead of attending classes...but I worry about Matthew. twice this year I have left him for 2 of the 3 classes to go and be in Samantha's class and both times, he was in trouble with the teacher for not paying attention and in trouble for hitting another student (when I asked him he said that the other student punched him, and one pulled on his arm when the teacher wasn't looking, but the teacher saw him hit back, and one kid called him a freak because he was talking to him about some random subject that the child wasn't interested in, and didn't pick up on the fact that when the boy walked away it didn't mean to follow him and keep talking!....lucky that child's father happened to be near by and got on the kids case) and unfortunately Matthew isn't capable of explaining to the teacher what has happened and the teacher isn't really interested anyway, and Matthew hasn't figured out how to remove himself from the trouble makers. I feel like he really needs me there to be a buffer for him until he learns these things, He is in the 2nd-3rd grade block, but socially my guy is probably more near the K-1 block of kids although academically he is above his peers by at least a grade level, so it makes for a complicating situation!

I feel like my house is exploding at the seams as well, we have just outgrown our space! I live in a house that is 1,195 sq ft. 4 bedrooms and 1 3/4 bathrooms. In it I have 3 kids, Rob and I, two dogs, two cats, and Home school materials and space for all 3 kids not to mention all my holiday decorations and the stored clothes for the previous season! Our garage is not attached to the house, not finished, and has a broken garage door and houses my washer/dryer and a bunch of crap that belongs to my father-in-law and a lot of stray cats that use it as a shelter thanks to the broken door....so I can't put anything important in there to store...we are going to purchase a storage shed today from sears to put behind the garage so that I can put all my holiday decorations, and anything else I need to store in there! I am hoping that de-cluttering some more of the house will help me to feel less in chaos.

I'm also considering strongly a money opportunity that has been presented. I have a friend from High school who recently 3 1/2 weeks ago, had a little boy. she also has a 2 year old, and two school age girls 9 & 11. just prior to getting pregnant with her baby she finished LVN school and is planning on going back to work when the baby is 6-8 weeks old. she receives state paid childcare for two of her kids, and is willing to give me $800-900 a month to watch the baby and the two year old during the day. Her new hubby works for a mechanics shop. Mon-Fri 8-5 so I would work Mon-fri 7:30-5:30 with this money, and the money Rob's getting from post 9/11 MGIB we would have ALMOST enough to pay the bills without him working....if he gets disability benefits we would be fine, and he could just focus on going to school. I worry about taking on another responsibility, but if Rob doesn't have to work then he will be more available to help me around the house and with picking up or dropping off kids/attending events since he would only be gone tue/thursday 9-3 for classes and we would BOTH have weekends with our family....its quite tempting, although I worry about my ability to juggle anything else, I really can't see myself turning down the opportunity....we shall see!

having some issues

2010-10-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

About 6 months ago after being on antidepressants for nearly two years, I decided to get off of them. Things were going fairly well for a few months, and then recently I've started to have some days of feeling very overwhelmed and not sleeping well, and within the last week to 2 weeks I started having little miniature panic attacks. Today I had an attack so sever, that the advice nurse for Kaiser told me to go to the ER because she thought I was having a heart attack, and frankly, so did I! Needless to say after a 3 hr wait and a 5 min check up, it was determined that my heart and lungs sounded just fine, however my pulse oxygen was at 100% meaning that even though I felt like I couldn't breath and was taking regular breathes that were spaced out, I was breathing so deeply that I was causing myself to hyperventilate without realizing it.

Of course the doctor recommended I get back on the anxiety meds, but I am hesitant, Not because they didn't work, but the anxiety was worse for the first week, my family has a history of liver problems, and my numbers were elevated when I got off the meds which can affect liver function, AND I had a horrible time getting off of them. I actually had to use GABBA and saint johns wort to counteract the discontinuation syndrome even when dropping by 10mg every 2 weeks! and I would just rather not go through that again if I don't have to. SO I'm trying the GABBA again along with the 5HTP that I've been on and I'm going to see if it makes a difference.
I do have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in two weeks though to discuss treatment and therapy options.

I've talked to a few people who love me and are concerned for me and everyone seems to think that I need to make some decisions and find some time to take care of myself and my stress level. My Mom said that I should look for a program for the kids 3 days a week, that might alleviate my stress some, or even put at least Samantha in public school to give myself on less kid to worry about. But I'm struggling.... Not that I don't think I NEED to figure out something, but I can't help but feel like I will be failing my children if I don't continue to home school them all, or that my inability to juggle our life is unacceptable.
I need to do something...but what to do? I think that Samantha would be fully capable of handling a public school setting, she is very social and would flourish socially, I worry about the quality of education, and the travel involved in having her in class from 8-12. it would interrupt my mornings with Matthew for school, and I would need to keep track of additional parent teacher meetings, of course I would want to be involved in her classroom at least one day a week....I just don't know if it would help...the other thought is that I use some of the extra money from Rob's new MGIB grant and hire a sitter one or two days a week, or maybe trade childcare with a friend once every two weeks? whatever the outcome I have to come up with something, and I have to accept that I can't mentally do it all for some reason my brain and body won't let me....hopefully the counseling can help that.
so that's where I am. everyone please just keep me in your thoughts, I'll try to keep you updated!

having to journal for a class means I have an excuse to BLOG!!

2010-09-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

I am taking a class this semester that requires that I supply a journal entry every week....which means I have an EXCUSE to come sit in the AC at the inlaws and get on Blogger and BLOG!!! whoo hoo!

SOOOOOOO here I am :)

Life has been Hectic, as usual! all 3 kids are busy and nearly at the end of the second week of classes along with myself. Samantha so far is doing so much better than I expected this year, she hasn't had a frustration melt down yet...even when I have her correct letter shapes during handwriting. She did quite a bit of Maturing over the summer and its been a great thing now that I have all the kids home every day!
Matthew is my source of pride and frustration all rolled into one. I love that child and I am sooo very proud of his abilities, and yet I find myself frustrated many times to. Just the other day we were reading a story for language arts and the questions at the end ask you to write about how a particular part of the story makes you feel and why that is interesting, and he just DIDN"T get it.... story's don't have FEELINGS the "tell him stuff" LOL we had to sit for some time and talk about how the words in the story helped him to build a picture in his mind about what was going on and how he could tell from that picture how it might make him feel...I think he got it?
I feel like my biggest struggle with Matthew is what people can't see. I hear from people all of the time how he is just "all boy" or a typical "busy body" and how he's "so smart" for his age. and although most of those things make me smile, I think that it also worry's me because what others see as "defiance" is actually Matthew's inability to perceive a social norm outside of his rule set. and what others see as "hyper active or talkative" is really Matthew being over stimulated or so lost in his own subject that he is unable to ever actually have a peer conversation with any give-take in it. It makes me happy for people to see him as a typical boy, but it also makes it hard for me to make sure that he is receiving the support that he needs to help in to function and not be so busy in his own world that he is actually not getting any information from the experience at hand.
I'm reading a book right now titled: Parenting Your Asperger Child: Individualized Solutions for Teaching Your Child Practical Skills by Alan Sohn
on a type of therapy called CSIT or Cognitive Social Integration Therapy that I hope will help us with all of these things!
I have lots to share about the other kids and other thoughts, but I'm going to share them next week!

compleate BOREDOM

2010-06-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have been overtaken by complete boredom! I don't think I have ever spent as many days doing as little as I have for the last week or so! My floors have been mopped every other day, and swept every day, there are NO I repeat, NO dishes in my sink for more than an hour, the kids rooms are clean, the laundry is done (and folded, and PUT AWAY) my bathrooms have been cleaned completely already this week and get a touch up every day......I am NOT a great house keeper normally, but my lack of things to do has apparently changed my perception!
I think my kids think I'm crazy when I have asked them to pick up their toys every day...as a matter of fact when I asked Matthew to pick up the stuffed animals on his floor this morning he did, and LEFT the remaining toys on the floor (damn literal child!) I called him back to the hallway and the conversation went like this:

Mom: "Matthew look at your sisters room and look at yours...."

Matthew: (looking at his sisters room) "uh huh?", (and then his) "yeah..."

Mom: "notice a difference?"

Matthew: (with the duh voice) " um yeah?"

Mom: "FIX IT"

Matthew: "ok" (all annoyed and such!)

how dare I have so little to do that I actually CHECK his room every day! LMAO!

feelings

2010-06-14T14:46:00.001-07:00

There has been so much continuing to go on lately that I am finding myself FULL of feelings. I just haven't been able to figure out where to put them all....

First and foremost, I am anxious and stressed. We have had to reapply for unemployment for Rob starting with the "new" quarter. Meaning that his benefits will not be ending in the first of July, but lasting until mid October some time, and we are eligible for an additional TWO extensions from this claim that could buy us another 4-6 months on top of the 18 weeks of original benefits. This was all GREAT news, but of course it came with the bad too. Since the last company he worked with was only for a few months, his benefit amount was adjusted and by adjusted I mean decreased by 1/3 so now instead of getting $1900 a month we will be getting $1200 a month. We have budgeted in every way possible, and we just can't quite make all the bills no matter what we do!
I've put a job application out to every mega and small chain drug store, retail store, movie store, and grocery store in town with no success.
We have decided to cancel our gym membership, and soon the internet will go to, after that it will be our cell phone services being downgraded. Thursday of this week we are headed to the food stamp office, now that we are making less, we should qualify for assistance, and if I don't have to worry about groceries, then we can afford to pay the car payment, insurance, and utilities, along with cell phones each month and even keep the internet probably, but that will leave us with NOTHING each week beyond gas money.
with all of this going on I am feeling grateful to, I'm grateful that I have such amazing family that provides a roof over our heads and medical insurance free of charge, I'm grateful that I have friends that although they live on the complete other side of the USA have helped us in every way they can. I'm grateful for our health, I think if Rob were sick right now I might loose it!
However, with my gratefulness comes loneliness. I feel so incredibly lonely right now. My closest friends live well over a thousand miles from me, and although there words and monetary assistance and phone calls mean the world to me, what I could use more than anything is a few hugs, a night out for coffee or a drink....the chance to truly be surrounded and embraced by someone who could just let me cry and fall apart a little bit.
And all of that makes me fearful, I have been nauseous for well over two weeks now off and on, with no REAL explanation other than stress. Rob has commented that I seem to be doing really well I'm not short with the kids as much as I have been in the past when things happen, I'm not as weepy, and given that I am not on any more anti depressants it appears I'm doing quite well. I am doing well holding it all together right now, because I am truly afraid that if I let myself fall apart I may not be able to get back together. nearly 11 years of barely able to keep our heads from going under has taken its toll on me. I'm tired, I'm angry, I feel betrayed, let down, and hopeless, and yet there is a little part of me that remains grateful, so I am clinging to that feeling holding tight to the little threads of hope that everyone has thrown us praying that the ends hold fast and that once more we can pull ourselves from the piles of crap we have been covered in....only this time I'm not so sure??

out of our mouths..

2010-04-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share the crazy commentary to my daily life

Things mom says:

get OUT of the mud...PLEASE!

I know you have a brain....start USING IT!

No you can not play with the water dropper, my stamp pads, the scissors, or the hole puncher BEFORE i've had my coffee this morning!

I asked you to PICK UP your toys...not PLAY with your toys!

stop throwing the ball AT the dog while your INSIDE the trampoline before she comes in and gets it from you the hard way!

Stop talking to each other, I'm tired of hearing you argue!

HOW did the water from yesterdays fast food cup manage to get flung up here while I'm driving??!!

DON'T play with your TRASH just wait till we get home so you can throw it away!

Things the kids say:
I promise I'll be good-ish (are you gonna be good?)

because it was FUN?! (in response to WHY are you doing ______)

but I was using the SAFETY scissors! (see above mentioned crafts)

my butt hurts...how come? (how the hell should I know??)

I'm bored there's nothing to do (nope nothing at all...maybe you could ride your bike, the scooter, play on the swing set, jump on the 15 ft trampoline, play with your 200 or so toys??? no there's NOTHING TO DO!)

mom, can I go meditate?.... (UMMM sure?? where the hell did you learn that term?)

Mommy Matthew threw a rock at my tummy...matthew: NO! I threw MUD not the rock! (was the rock in the mud?....yes?! DON'T throw things...and STAY OUT OF THE MUD!!)

and the favorite of the week.... "Hey Curtis, can you open this water bottle for me please?" Curt: sure, here ya go....Matthew: "thanks! I knew i should ask you, because you have Muscles I can SEE!" LMAO

this is just the last few days..LOL I'll add more when i can :)

7 year old logic and moms mental health!

2010-04-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

As a home schooling mom, I get to spend A LOT of time with my children! and normally I consider this to be a blessing of immeasurable proportions...however occasionally I am forced to ask myself WHY AM I DOING THIS???!!! today just so happened to be one of those days when I wished I could wave at my son while he trotted off to terrorize some lovely random women and I drove home in my slippers and sweatpants to enjoy a cup of coffee and some DVR'd soap-operas! (not that I actually watch those retarded shows, but some brain numbing sounds like a good idea today!)

Today Matthew took a math test...
two of his questions and answers were the following:
1) would you measure I book using
a) inches b) feet c) yards d) meters
HIS answer: B (mind you he read the question, looked at me and said "I think its feet!...ok on to the next one!")

2) class started at 9am and lasted 7 hours...what time did class end
a) 3:00 b)4:00 c)6:00 d) 7:00
HIS answer: D (again he read the question...looked at the answers and said "7:00 looks good....Ok one more and I'm done!")

at this point I was well aware that he had made up his mind he was answering these questions as quickly as possible, and if he had to actually THINK about an answer he was just guessing....so I let him finish, and immediately handed him two pages of Math drills and one page of time clock drills both containing about 20 questions on each page.
"what's this?" - eyes wide, in disbelief...(you see he THOUGHT he was DONE!)
"oh that's your practice, since you don't actually KNOW how to do those problems, and just FAILED a test, I decided you need to practice more! (I'm incredibly frustrated, but somehow I get a great sense of accomplishment watching him squirm a bit!)
"but I'll be here FOREVER! this is A LOT of work mommy!" (tears welling up in the corner of his eyes, I have to wonder if I'm getting through to him finally)
"well Matthew, if you had taken your time to complete your test questions correctly with the information you have been taught, you wouldn't need the extra practice"

we went back and forth for about 2 min. him trying to convince me that he actually knew how to do the problems, and me trying to make him understand that if he fails the state tests next year, he MIGHT not be able to stay home with me and will need to go back to public school because the powers-that-be were going to think i wasn't doing my job. Now this isn't the first time we have had this discussion, or this problem, and I really hope it worked this time! needless to say Matthews school day lasted from 9am to 2pm today which is about twice as long as normal....I'm really hoping Monday is better!

and now in true homeschooling fashion, I'm off to cook dinner, and plant tomato plants with the kids for this months science lessons and remember exactly why it is I truly do LOVE the time I get to have with my children every day!

sometimes...I'm still amazed!

2010-04-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the things people do amaze me! while I was gone to WA, I found out that my FIL had "decided" that he wanted "all non-blood relations" out of the house by May 1st! and that he had paid the last rent check on Freds apartment for April and he would be moving into the garage ( which apparently was some how going to be magically transformed from unfinished-broken door structure to livable space in a matter of 3 weeks!) Well let me tell you, I was PISSED. 1st the Girls were still trying to find a place that would take animals and was withing their price range, 2nd I don't want to live with my 30 year old BIL who can't hold down a job, lives off his dad, has no HS diploma, and no desire to change any of it!
So everyone scrambled...the girls applied for an apartment, Cheryl got accepted to her own appartment and Manning talked to rob about fixing the garage all before I got home. I found out that Cheryl can't take her dog with her, she asked us to keep her and Rob agreed. Rob told his dad there was NO way everyone could be moved out AND the garage done in such a short time. It was decided that Fred would move into the room Cheryl was using until the girls moved out, then into the girls room and finally into the garage. This change meant that we had to tell Samantha who had been waiting for nearly a year to get it back (she was only supposed to wait for 6 weeks initially!) at this point I was FUMING!
My MIL came over on Thursday, and I decided that I should talk to her. so I start the conversation with " sorry I wasn't very talkative today, I'm just really stressed about this whole Fred thing"
she says "What Fred thing?"
"well, with him moving into the garage and everything" I say....
"What? I didn't know anything about that!"
I couldn't believe my ears....WHAT! how could she not have known?!
we talked for nearly an hour, and she promised me she would handle it and kept telling me how sorry she was.
by 5 o'clock Thursday night, my FIL had called to say that Fred wouldn't be living with us!
I still can't believe that Manning didn't tell his wife about any of his plans....It just amazes me!

letter to my dad

2010-04-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

well I did it, I sent the letter.... I cryed through the whole thing, but I feel a strange sense of relief too!
here it is if you would like to read it:

Dad,

This letter has been a few years in the making, and I finally feel like its time I type it out and send it to you. If you could please let me know you recieved this email I would appreciate it. If I don't hear from you I will give a copy to Mom to hand deliver for me when you visit for Hannah's birthday, so I can be certian that you recieve it.

First things first, I want to say that I love you very much, you helped to mold me into the woman I am today and I am thankful and blessed because of it. I don't know how much you remember from the day that I found out that you and mom were divorcing, but one thing you said still sticks with me to this day. You told me that day " This is between your mom and me, no matter what, you will always be my daughter, and I will always be there for you" I don't know why things happened the way they did for our family, and I never will....what I do know is that on that day I lost my dad. I never would have thought that at 29 years old I would be able to say I lost one dad when I was 6 and another one when I was 19!

I don't know what you think I think about the end of your marriage with my mom...and to be honest, I don't care, but I want to make it very clear to you that you taught me my morals and values, it was you who taught me right from wrong, good from bad...and even with all of that, I want you to know that no matter how I felt or feel about the situation that happened between you and mom, you are still my dad and I still love you.

You know, speaking of things that you taught me; I have a really hard time now days explaining that the Man who taught me to ride a two wheel bike, taught me how to drive a car, saw me graduate from high school, gave his ok for me to be married to my amazing husband, and walked me down the asle at my wedding, the man I call DAD has never met my daughter, his granddaughter...and hasn't seen his grandson since he was 7 months old! not to mention I haven't gotten any phone calls, birthday, christmas, mothers day, anniversary or any other kind of card in 10 years. You know something? I used to keep a 11x13 print of my wedding picture of the motorcycles and all our "biker family" on my wall surrounded by 8x10 prints of my favorite moments..one of which being you giving me away to Rob. I took them all down a few months ago..because Matthew and Samantha kept asking me who you were and I couldn't explain any more that you were thier grandpa or think of a reason to tell your very inquistive 7 yearold grandson when he asked why he had never met you. They know the picture of Joyce, they know that she's in heaven...ya know he asked me if you were there once? I don't know what keeps you from being a part of our lives, but you sure are missing alot!

I'm greatful that i've been able to develop a relationship with Al since shortly after my wedding. I have two more sisters, and a great stepmom, and the kids have a papa...but ya know what? I still don't call him dad...because I have one, he lives in Florida, and doesn't know a damn thing about my life. I'm angry, and I want to know..how did you just move on? how did you push me so far out of your life that you don't want to ever talk to me, visit me, or be a part of my life? do you ever wonder if I'm ok? if I'm happy? Rob and I have had our share of difficulties, mabey a little more than our share, but thanks to the love and support of the OTHER people who promised to support us when we started this journey nearly 11 years ago, I can say that I love my family and even though its missing you, I love my life too. We've worked hard to get where we are today, I'd like to think that my DAD would be proud...but then again you don't even know what we've overcome, or the fact that Rob is 2 years away from being a History Teacher. It breaks my heart that you have chosen to miss so much of our lives, but I can't change the past and its up to you to change the future.

I hope that this letter finds you healthy and happy and enjoying life, and I hope that occasionally your Daughter crosses your mind because my DAD will always be in mine.

I love you,

Washington and a "sort of" vacation.

2010-04-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Well the kids and I made it to washington unscathed. I think I often freak out more than they do! the stress that I feel just trying to make sure I don't "lose" the kids and trying to get two carry on bags and two under the seat bags with us....I've decided all moms need octopus hands!

But we are here, and we are in one piece! I've already gotten TWO hugs from my little sister, which is a huge thing for her since she is soooo shy :0) the kids are looking forward to exploring the many acers that Grandma and Papa live on now! its like a minature forest in thier front yard!

Matthew is making me crazy, but I expected as much. He's got alot of pent-up energy, both naturally and from the change in routine. He's acutally doing a bit better than I expected him to do in that arena. however, I am having to really watch him with personal space and social issues. My littlest sister is only 3, which is not a baby, but still younger than even Samantha. Samantha has done great, playing tea party with her, and crawling into her tent...treating her very calmly and gentely, matthew on the other hand tends to instantly go into hyper crazy mode and has her runing around and hollaring before I know it! she also has some sensory issues, and Matthew is having a hard time remembering not to touch her so much, at the same time,she is learning HOW to share...remeber I am her oldest sibling at 29 and my other sister is 23 with severe Mental disablities so essentially she is a pusedo "only child" LOL. about the only other problem we are having is making sure that Matthew remebers that Grandmas knee is hurting, which he is aware of, but again...the personal space issues play a large part. He just isn't aware of his spatial relationship to things around him! poor grandma is really having to be vigillant when she ventures around the house!
I'm hoping today goes better, it doesn't seem to be raining, so hopefully we will get outside, and get rid of some of this energy! and I brought our school work with us, so that should add some familiarity to the routine of things :)

what is a Dad?

2010-03-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've not had your typical childhood....or mabey now days I have? I don't know. what I do know is that I spent most of my childhood without my biological father, the drugs were more important than me...he was an addict..that's what they do. BUT I was lucky...at 6 I got a great step dad, who became more than that to me. I stood up in his wedding with my mom and was asked if I would take him as a part of my family, he taught me to ride a bicycle, protected me when I didn't wanna have visitation with my druggie father, and fought with my mom to get me back when I was stolen from them for 3 years even after he was accused of sexual abuse! and after all that he treated me just like his daughter- he talked to all of his friends about what a good kid I was and how proud he was of me, he taught me to drive a car, was there when I graduated from highschool, and was the man who my husband asked to marry me, He walked me down the asile and gave me away! and then 6 months later, just after I moved to Montana to start my new life with my new husband....he called to tell me that he and my mom were getting divorced...after 13 years, he was going back to his first wife (my mom was his 3rd). I cried, and he assured me that no matter what I would be his daughter...."this is between your mom and I, you'll always be my daughter, and I'll always be here for you" that's what he said. I was heart broken, all I could think was "YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOSE TWO DADS!"

Alot has changed since that day. Mostly good but not all. I got back in touch with my bilogical father, he has been sober for 13 years now, and we have been in contact for almost 8 years. He's married to a wonderful woman, they have her daughter who is disabled and 23, and adopted a little girl that is now 3 years old. He's been an awesome grandpa, and we have done alot of catching up in the last 7 or so years and grown closer. It's been nice.
On the other side of the fence is my step-dad. I've talked to him 5 times in the last 10 1/2 years. once, I called him to ask for help with fixing one of our cars, we needed $300, he said he would help, and never called back. he met Matthew when he was 7 months old....He spent two hours at our house and we went to dinner. the next time I saw him was for about an hour when my sister turned 18. she's 21 this next month! He's never met
Samantha, I 've never recieved a card, phone call, or email for a holiday or anniversary in 10 1/2 years. I've sent a few fathersday emails, gotten a few thank you responses. that's it! so lately I've really been thinking about things, and the question I can't get out of my head is this: "How do you just walk away? can you really pretend it never happened?" I'm increadiably hurt, and i'm angry, I'm dissapointed, I'm confused. All I ever did was love him, as I got older I was always greatful for him and everything he had done. He made me into the women I am today, he gave me my morals and taught me about life, he pushed me, and he believed in me....and now I'm no one? how the hell does that work?
So I've decided finally after 10 years, I'm sending him a letter, I'm going to tell him how I feel. I don't have any pre determined idea of how its going to go, I hope he gets it but I'm not expecting it.
I'll let you all know how it goes!

Breakups abound.... changes all around....

2010-03-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

The last 10 days or so have been insane! I've heard from two close friends that they are getting a divorce from spouses of 6 years or more, and then to top it all off last Saturday the girls got in a huge fight and are separated now. I saw it coming, but I was hoping it would hold off until they moved at the end of next month! so now Chels is living with her sister, and Amyee and Robert are still here at the house with me. You would think with them being in two different houses, the drama would be less, but at times it feels like its worse! and now Roberts been pulled into the middle, with Amyee telling Chels that he doesn't want to live with her, (which he doesn't, and won't be) and Chels telling Amyee that Robert was telling people that he didn't know that he didn't like how Amyee treated him, and that she was to hard on him (which he swears he didn't do). I'm really pissed that he is finding himself in the middle of all of this crap. I hope they pull their heads outta their butts pretty quick or I'm gonna be forced to say something! he may not be MY kid, but he's a kid in MY house, and I'll be damned if he's gonna get drug down into THEIR issues!
SO... Cheryl is moving sometime near the 21st of April which is when she is expecting to receive her first Social security retirement check, and Amyee and Robert are moving in to her Aunts old house with her dad at the same time. I promised Rob after they moved that I will NEVER have roommates again not even for 2 or 6 weeks like this was supposed to be originally! NEVER again!!
Then last night my in-laws come over to visit, and while I was out running Amyee to work and going to the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner, my Husband finds out from his dad, that as soon as the girls and Cheryl move out and the garage is clear, he intends to put up drywall, re-do electrical outlets, and create a "grandmothers cottage" for my Brother-in-law to move into!!!!!!!!
I'm beyond frustrated! I don't have the ability to say anything at all, I mean its is my Father-in-laws home, He pays the Mortgage every month for us, and he pays for our medical insurance for our family....he also has been supporting my BIL for his WHOLE life he's always paid for his home, his medical insurance, his car, his car insurance, his utilities, his groceries, EVERYTHING.
and i know he can't afford to keep doing that for him....but does he have to drop him on US? I mean my BIL and I have gotten along alot better in the past few years then we ever have, and I know that he has honestly been working on changing alot of things about himself and he has become alot more polite, and conscious of others, but I don't want anyone else in my house! I know that he will technically be living "outside" the house, but I also know that he will be in here all the time, and I just don't wanna deal with it!
A few months ago I would have told you there was a very slim chance that we were ever leaving this house, even after Rob got done with school, we could very easily have afforded the mortgage payments on his new salary, and it left us close enough to his dad and wife that we could help them in the next 10 years or so as they started to get older........but now, I don't know... I will NOT take care of my BIL for the rest of my life, and I really don't know if we will have the credit to ever buy a house in our future after everything that has happened to us in the last 10 years, and I don't know if I want to pay the rental prices in Bakersfield! of course I don't know where we would move either.... If it were just me to think about, I'd be on the next plane to South Carolina, but I have to consider that the kids have a very good relationship with my in-laws here, and we have a pretty good thing going with the Charter School right now (at least for elementary years) I don't want to lose the friends the kids have made, or the programs that we get to be a part of for nearly free (how many homeschooling families get gymnastics class for 35 dollars a YEAR, or memberships to the local animal reserve and museum for free!)....I mean its not like teachers make bank or anything! I guess time will tell what the future holds, and for now, I'll just keep holding on!

aliright, alright already!

2010-03-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ok I admit I've neglected my blog....but I didn't realize anyone actually cared! apparently I was mistaken, so Jenny and Krista this ones for you!

Well to pick up where I left off, the wedding went wonderfully it was beautiful and tiring all at the same time!

August started a new school year for both of the kids and the parents. It was a busy few months
of classes, and holidays.

we took a trip to the apple picking farm between Thanksgiving and Halloween that was a lot of fun!

In October we saw some big changes to the house, as we added a new family member! (if you weren't keeping track, that brought the grand total to 5 adults and 3 kids....yes that's 8 people in my 4 bedroom 1,200 sq ft house!)
Chelsey's cousin Robert came to live with us. Robert is 15 yearsold, and needed a safe place to live because his mother is unstable and his father didn't want to step up and care for him. Within a few weeks of him staying with us, I officially was given a "Caregiver Affidavit" by his mother through the CPSA. Since he's moved in Robert is doing extremely well, he's growing taller, eating better, his ulcer problems have subsided, and he is attending school again....actually he's attending the Charter school that I use with Matthew, and I am overseeing his education.
Next Month, Amyee and Chelsey are moving into Amyees' aunts house, and Cheryl (amyee's mom) will be retiring and getting her own apartment as well. Robert will be moving with the girls, and we will be transferring the caregiver affidavit to them so that he can be with family.
I will miss having him around, but I know he really wants to be with his family, and I still get to do his schooling with him, so I will see him a few days a week still! (here's the picture I took of him last week)
The end of October brought us Halloween, and before we knew it, it was time for Matthew's 7th birthday! Its so hard to believe that my baby boy is 7 years old! He had a great party at the bowling alley, and he's already coming up with ideas for next year :0)

Christmas was amazing this year. we had an early Christmas with Manning and Cece, because.... Rob and the kids and I saved up all of our left over money from school grants, and drove to Colorado to spend the holidays with my family. It had been almost 4 years since we had seen my grandmother and all of my aunts and uncles and cousins, so it was a great visit. To make it even more enjoyable, I got to get away for a night with some of my best girlfriends who I miss terribly, and we had a wild night ( we even managed to get escorted out of the bar!) No harm though....well aside from the pounding headaches and sour stomachs that we all had the next day! While in Colorado, the kids got to play in the snow, we made a trip up to the "North Pole",we got to attend my mom's surprise 50th Birthday party, and we got to see her Fiance officially propose to her on Christmas day! it was a wonderful trip, and even the driving weather back and forth cooperated!

So that brings us to the New Year.... I had my birthday in the beginning of the month, and Samantha was treated like a princess for her birthday at Medieval Times in Bueana Park (I still need to upload those pictures from the CD my Father in Law gave me!)
And now here we are in the first of March already........
last weekend we traveled with just the adults to Disney Land....it was a great time, we had an awesome hotel that we got for cheap in the off season

Rob and I only made it about 5 hours in the park, but we got to ride all the big rides, and came back to the hotel at about 4pm and enjoyed the on site restaurant, happy hour at the hotel bar, and the 24hr spa and heated pool! we even got to see the Disney land fireworks from our room!
It was a great vacation, even if I'm still paying for it with overly tight and sore calf and hip muscles 3 days later!

Well that catches up the last 7 1/2 months for the most part.....and I can't make any promises, but I am going to TRY and start updating this again....it was lotsa fun!

Fun in the summer sun!

2009-07-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, vacation is over. A sad yet happy thing. We had so much fun staying with Jen and the guys, it was a great time of family fun and relaxation! I commented to Jenny that I think this was the LEAST busy I have been in well over a year, and it was great! we did manage to squeeze in some fun while we visited. Rob and I went to Charelston for a day and spent 3 hrs at the Museam and another hour in two the museam owned homes taking the tours, I laughed at how old we have become.....spending our 10 year anniversary in museams ( and excited that the kids wern't with us so we could enjoy them!). We all also made a trip to the beach for the day while rob was visiting. Jen and the kids and I took a trip to the Fort Jackson water park one day, spent the whole day on the waterslides, pools, and lazy river :) we took the kids to play at chick-fil-a and Mcdonalds a few times, went to the library twice, toured the base, played at the park, and even went "looking" at the new model homes that are for sale (I SOOOO WANT ONE!), it was very fun, and we are sad we have to leave them in S.C. for a few more years!
But.......I am also happy, Happy to be getting back to my Hubby, and my animals, happy to get to sleep in my own bed and enjoying the routine of life with my kiddos again, and I know the rest of my family is looking forward to it too!

In 10 days we have a wedding at the house, I can't wait to watch "my girls" walk down the isle and enjoy thier day, its gonna be alot of fun! In the mean time, we have to get all of the food prepaired, I have to help rob make the cake, and we need to go and pick up samantha's dress and flower girl basket, and arrange the music on the ipod so we can play it. Oh and I need to figure out where I am going to take the wedding pictures at too!

after the wedding its just about a week before we meet with matthew's resource teacher and get the materials for the new school year, and about two weeks before Samantha starts again! We are planing to take another camping trip or mabey two before all of that with some friends, and just our family.

SO I guess I'm offically back to the "normal" pace of life, busy busy busy! but ya know what?? I wouldn't have it any other way!

I have much more updates with pictures and such about our trip, and my anniversary, but they will have ot wait until I am home and not sitting in this cramped airplane seat with two restless kiddos next to me while I try to recal the majority of vacation thoughts and get them written down before I forget them!!

Enjoy what's left of your summer dear friends.......I know I will!

summer vacation 2009 ROCKS!

2009-06-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

vacation.......ahhh....

My vacation has been wonderful, I am so enjoying spending time with the best friends I could ask for and watching my children play and enjoy themselves surrounded by people who love them deeply. If I had only one thing to change, it would be that my husband could have been here with us for the last two weeks, and the rest of the vacation for the rest of that matter! BUT I'll take my one week that I get! :0)

The kids and I have had the best time, we haven't done anything "huge" but just relaxing, playing, swiming and making the occasional trip to the store or the base has been great! I don't remeber the last time I did THIS LITTLE for this long, its awsome! I sorta wish I would have brought some scrapbooking stuff with me, this would be the perfect opportunity to get some layouts done!

Rob gets here on Tuesday in the morning, and we have a few activities planned for the week (ok mabey its more than a few!) Tuesday night we are going to see the new transformers movie, One day next week we are going to the beach with the kids, Rob is going to install two outdoor electrical outlets for the house, we have 4th of july festivities of course, and on the 6th Rob and I are leaving the kids with Jen and Gary and Rob and I are going to Charelston for our 10 year anniversary celbration! I have plans for us to visit the old exchange musuem, take another walk down rainbow row, have some She Crab soup for lunch and at night we are taking a historic "graveyards, and ghosts" tour. On the 7th Rob leaves again, and the kids and I have almost 2 more glorious weeks left to spend with my amazing friends! If I knew where more things were, I would like to take my nephews out for an afternoon just to hang with them since I never get to do that. Hmmm mabey I'll put some more thought into that one......

I hope everyone is a compleatly content as I am tonight! untill next time my friends, Happy summer!

wondering what's ahead?

2009-06-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

wow Its been forever since I was on my blog!

You know how sometimes you feel like the space on earth you operate in has come to a halt and yet the world seems to go on without you? well that has been our life for the past 2 or 3 months it seems.

Starting back around the end of April, We were almost done with our classes, stressing about passing the enlish essay exam. My dad called to let me know that my grandfather who had been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks already was not doing well, but they were trying new things and he would keep me updated. Well we passed our english class! so that was a relief. I also booked Matthew's surgery for May 27th to have his tonsils and Adnoids removed.

By the 1st of May, Rob's job had informed him that by June 1st they would most likely not have anymore work for him to do. May 15th was our last check, it was $700 less than normal. (of course we didn't know for sure it would be the last one, but I figured as much) we used the last of our saving to carry us through about a week, since we had already used a little bit to carry us through the slowing down that started 2 weeks before. On May 18th My dad called, Grandpa's Kidney (he only had one, having had the other removed a few years ago) was only functioning at about 25 %. He had decided to refuse dialysis, it was now a wait and see wether the meds would work or not. May 20th in the evening I got the call I had been dreading.....Grandpa had passed away that afternoon. Suddenly plans were being made for me to fly to Minnesota and attend the funeral the following Monday. In a very short time I packed my bags, and made the hard decision to miss my son's surgery (they couldn't reschedual him until the end of AUGUST) and fly to minnesota for the week to attend Grandpa's services. I am so thankful to my Dad and his wife for purchasing my ticket for me so I could be there. The week was emotionally draining, and I was very happy to be back home just two days after my baby boys successful surgery.

I came home emotionally drained and yet had a hurting little man who needed his mommy, I don't think I slept through the night for the first week that I was home.

With all of this going on, we also got some new roommates, temporary ones, but none the less we have a house full! Our friends Amyee and Chelsey, and Amyee's mom Sheryl are staying with us until school starts in August and they can have the income to get there own place, after a series of bad roommate situations for them. Having them all here has had its challenges, but I couldn't be more thankful for the extra help and love for my family during all of these difficult times. The girls have been great with the kids, helping around the house, and helping with what little bills they can.

June 1st Rob was offically removed from the payroll at his work, and applied for unemployment. We should get a check 10 days from NOW. I got the first shut off notice the first week of June, it was for the water bill, Jenny paid it. (I LOVE YOU) last week I got the second notice I knew was coming, Chrysler was Repo-ing my van on the 22nd of June if I could not pay the interest that was due $320.00. Now mind you at this point we have a negative blance in our account of about $400, PGE and gas company are nearly 2 months behind, and we have barely been able to keep food in the house and enough gas in the car to get rob to his summer classes and Sherly to her job at Jack in the Box which is what has kept the food in the house!
after having a miniature panick attack, Rob tells me that his dad has agreed to give us the money for the van. again I am indebted to this man who just last month let me borrow the money to put 2 new tires on my van because they were COMPLEATLY bald. BUT I think.....at least they won't come take the van! then I find out they wouldn't take the check because it didn't have our name on it, so my lovely husband went ahead and depositited it into the BANK (remeber the bank is in the red?) well as you could guess the bank took the money to pay what we owed them.....which ALMOST got us out of the hole, but left us with NO money to pay for the van.
at this point I sat at my kitchen table and cried, the ends We had been working so hard to make meet, were fraying right before my eyes and I could do Nothing to stop them. Then, an angel came into my home. Her name is Katie ( I don't even know her last name!) she is Chelsey's maid of honor in thier upcoming Union on August 2nd. she was here to help us finish the last of the invitations that we were making for the girls. She heard about our problem, looked right up at me and said "I have $350 dollars in my savings, you can borrow it to pay for your car if you need to." I couldn't believe it, this young girl just 19 years old, was willing to give me nearly $400 of her hard earned money and she had just met me!
We took Katie up on her offer and paid the car company. This will hold us off from another repo threat for almost 60 days. By that time we hope to have gotten enough from unemployement that we can pay our bills up to date.
So for now the ends are meeting, its taken strangers and friends, family and some tears, but we are holding them together!

On an up note, Rob's class is going great! and the kids and I leave for South Carolina in just 3 days for a 6 week vacation to see Jenny and her family. (we got comp'ed tickets last time because of a flight cancellation!) I can't wait to get away from all of this for a while! by the time I get back, we should be caught up with the important bills and recieving regular unemployment checks, and I get to help Amyee and Chelsey with the last of the wedding planing before the ceremony in our back yard on the 2nd of August.

Hopefully I'll be able to update soon! until then, have a wonderful Summer all of my dear friends!

New adventures in homeschool land :)

2009-04-06T16:42:00.000-07:00

Things are going great here at the kitchen table classroom!

This week I will have an opportunity to teach both of the kids together, since its spring break and Samantha's school is closed. Today was day one and things went great!

I planned out Matthew's cirriculum for the week last night and made sure I had all the papers ready. Then I went on the hunt for preschool/kindergarten matterial for Samantha and I found some great things!
I printed her 5 sheets for the week: some handwritting practice with the letter B, a matching page, a more or less/bigger and smaller sheets, and a what doesn't belong? sheet......well, she did them all today!
I figured she would want to get up and go play LONG before she finished all the sheets, and was actually planning on doing just one sheet for about 15 min. with her and then letting her be part of the science reading about earth day, and social studies about easter egg history story that I read. I figured a this point 45 min was probably her limit for sitting in one place and paying attention.....Boy did I underestimate her! LOL
Of course this is just day ONE, so its all fun still, but she amazed me knocking out sheet, after sheet, and very eagerly stating "I want to do another one, that on please!"

so far the only stubling block seems to be Matthew being so interested in what she is doing that he had trouble staying focused on what he needed to do! but that will become less as he gets used to her being there I suppose!

So that morning went great, and Samantha sat through all 1 1/2 hours of instruction, even sitting and listening to her brother finish his reading work :)

I'll let you know how the rest of the week goes!

I love teaching my children!

2009-03-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

We took the kids to see the new movie "Monsters vs. Aliens" today~ it by the way is great, but not the reason for my post.........
As we were sitting in the theater watching previews of other movies that are opening sometime around HALLOWEEN, one of the clips showed a school house getting coverd in an oversized pancacke, butter, and syurp and then immeadiatly panned to the group of school children. The gazes of the little movie kids changed to glee, as they all shouted " YEAH! NO SCHOOL!!" about half of the movie theater chuckled......and my son.....looks and me and very frankly asks "why would they NOT want school?"

I Love that my children love to learn, and that I get to be such an active part in them doing that!

Yesterday evening, Rob got a piece of chocolate candy out of the fridge, and Samantha asked if she could have a piece. Instead of speaking to her, (because as a typical man he had already stuffed the chocolate in his mouth) he SIGNED to her: No, You have cookie. In ASL and she immeadatly responded: " I get a cookie?? yea!!!" It amazes me how fast she is picking up sign! her use of it is still not much, but that is to be expected since she communicates 99.5% in speech, but just the fact that she is able to understand simple commands and statements is AWSOME!

emotional rambling

2009-03-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am sorta down today. I went to another babyshower for a "friend" and I just felt like an outsider. I am in desperate need of some mommy time with some good friends. I have come to the conclusion that I am tired of surrounding myself with people who can't accept my family and my children, and people who don't have "time" to build relationships. I need friends.....good old fashioned FRIENDS you know the people who have you over for a game of yahtzee or margaritas just because? the ones who are willing to come and help you move, or watch your kids so you can have a night out with your hubby? I have made a promise to myself from here on out, I am only surrounding myself with people who care about me, who love me for me and all my crazy, sometimes cussing, garbled religious view having, homeschooling, over weight, gooffy, emotional ME.....and people who can accept my childern, even though they aren't perffect little angels, even tho my son has social/emotional/behavioral issues, and my daughter is a cranky little brat at times, I will only have people in thier lives who love them despite all of that.......who love US. If you are one of those friends now......thank you! you should know that I hold you dearly in my heart and should you ever need to call on me for anything, no matter what the distance I will answer....and if you arn't one of those people who feels the same way about me......then leave me the Hell alone!

funny

2009-03-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

On our way home from the Museum going down the I-5 freeway, we were stuck in a traffic jam just sorta rolling along and I was watching the Big Riggs go by reading the little sayings they sometimes have printed on the Cabs, and seeing what state they are from and THIS truck drove past us.....I couldn't help but snicker at the lable for the Flame exstinguishing device:

Roller Coaster Week!

2009-03-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

This week seems to have been quite the roller coaster!

Monday was just a cranky day, I woke up that was and apparently so did my kids, but I found out why on Tuesday night when Samantha started complaining of a soar throat. I looked and sure enough she had the beginings of little white spots on her tonsils! I got up early Wed. Morning and got them both appointments for 8:30am with the doctor.....2 1 1/2 hours later, we left with Amoxacillin for Samantha and negative quick strep tests from both. Matthew's appeared to be more allergies than anything, but since samantha was getting worse and they had both been around thier sitter who had strep two weeks ago we decided to play it safe.

Thursday both kids stayed home, and Rob did too. The company he works for had him doing contract work for another Bigger company, and the bigger company decided it wasn't sending any more money to the yard for projects until after a week long audit that starts next week some time..............SO, Rob's company didn't have any work for him to do Thursday, since he couldn't buy the parts he needed to finish any of the jobs! I had to take Matthew to physical therapy, which we were almost late for......and then our therapist was out sick! so we saw another of the ladies there, but she wasn't nearly as good at keeping matthew on task, and didn't do the excercises in the same way as Jan, so matthew was struggling to stay on task and listen......ugh! Jan should be back on Tuesday again thank goodness!

So here we are at Friday, I decided to keep Samantha home today too, partially so she could finish recouping, and partially because they are having a Bike-A-Thon at the preschool, and not only did we neglect to fundraise for it, but I figured riding around on her bike for an hour was probably not the best thing for her health anyway (although she is almost 100% better and 48+ hours on the antibiodics). Matthew had a ENT doc. appointment today at 8:30am and the doctor says his adnoids and tonsils are HUGE even with our nightly use of claritin and Nasonex for the last few months, so he reccomended we have them removed. His secretary will call to set up an appointment for the surgery...it should be next month some time.

School has been great for Matthew this week, We have kept it kinda low key with everyone sorta feeling crudy, but we have still managed to get alot done. Samantha was home with us most of the week, so she got to have some lessons too. We worked on writting the letters O,M,T, and E both upper and lower case and with a little help (she can't seem to remeber 14) she can count all the way to 29! It's hard to believe that she is 4 already :)

Just for fun, here is a picture of the kids haning out in the pharmacy, and one of Matthew in his "school Uniform" aka spiderman robe, and our "class Mascott" aka, Poe the kitty cat! :)

home educator

2009-03-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well my friends, we took the leap......we have been for one compleate week a Homeschooling family!

What pushed us this way, or persuaded us down this path are a collection of events. First and formost is my desire that my children recieve the BEST possiable EDUCATION avaliable to them, and my full belief that it is my job or rather our job as parents to ensure our children's education to its fullest potental. Secondary to this is a grouping of events that have transpired over the course of most of this school year.
It all starts with the school, overall Rosedal North is a good school, but due to recent budget crisis, the school was forced to increase thier child to teacher ratio for this school year to 31 students in the kindergarten class room. Which in my opinon was WAY to many children for one teacher to adiquetly teach. BUT, after much milling it over, Rob and I decided we should give it a shot....after all, Matthew would surely benefit from social interatcion with his peers, and the opportunity to interact with an adult instructior and a structured environment is important too....right?
So let me enlighten you as to what my 5/6 year old boy learned in the 6 months he attended public school:

1st, I'll start in the class room:
My son learned that you should never question authority, even if they are wrong. Case in point: Matthew comes home and says: mommy did you know that its a myth that flamingos are pink because of the food they eat? My response (after I looked it up to be sure, since I'm not a zoologist) No son they get thier color from the brine shrimp and algea that they eat.........Him: No! Miss Cable said it was not true!
Second Point: Matthew got in trouble for going down the slide head first at reccess, when I asked him why he didn't follow the rules, he proceeded to tell me how he was playing with a little girl in his class and they fell-slid down the slide on accident, and that she had gone down head first as well, but Miss Cable only saw him. When I asked why he didn't tell her? His response: because I didn't think she would believe me.
Also in the classroom my son learned that its ok to break the rules and talk, but you should be sure you don't get caught, lest you be the one who misses recesse time.
He also learned that its ok for your teacher to belittle a little girl in front of her peers for farting on the rug, its ok for a teacher to single out a particular student because "you need to make sure you pay attention Mariah, because your one who doesn't KNOW how to do this"
He also learned that even if you follow the rules and raise your hand, you won't neccessarily be acknowledged and what you have to say has vurtually no value to the person who is supposed to be teaching you. I actually heard his teacher say to a child who had his hand raised for some time wanting to use the restroom "I see your hand Joeseph, but I'm ignoring you right now because I need to take roll" She told that poor child not that she saw him, however he needed to wait just a moment while she finished the task at hand but simply that she was IGNORING him, his needs held no value to her own.

Also in the classroom, my son learned that just because you are able to compleate a task compleatly and fully, does not mean you should do so. He got in trouble many times for Jumping ahead and finishing the task before the other children.......which I would have supported had he not actually read and followed all instructions given to him and compleated them correctly. What he was being taught was that the Public school system has a standards box, and if you don't fit in that box you are eithier singled out because you don't know enough, or pressured to stay on task when you know to much, and not activley pursue more knowledge than what is being given to you.

Outside of the classroom, my son learned the word, fat, he worried about being made fun of for the clothes he wore, he listened to 6 year old girls talk about not eating to much junk food so they wouldn't be fat, he listened to his teacher describe Martin Luther King Jr. in such a way that he came home convinced that "we don't like black people, because we are white, right mom?" a simple miss understanding I assumed until I brought up Lincolon's birthday and he informed me that he knew about him already, Miss Cable had told them he was a president, and this one man didn't like him very much so he shot him in the head and he died!
and these things happened in a "controlled" environment with just 30 peers and 2 adult supervisors, I can only imagine what he will be subjected to when he has recesse with grades 1-3 and just 3 aids for the WHOLE school yard??

Just a few weeks before I pulled matthew out of school, I recieved a notice that due to budget cut backs, the school would no longer be able to provide kleenex, papertowels, or liquid hand soap for the kindergartners, so If parents could make donations that would be great...first they are taking away my childs individual attention by increasing class size, and now they are endangering his health by denying him basic sanitary iteams? I don't think so!

those are just a few of the many examples that made us decided to change our educational goals for our family.

We have currently enrolled Matthew at Valley Oaks Charter School. VOCS is a "public school" that is state funded and accredited with the state as a "homeschool support"
The school provides me with all materials that I need to teach Matthew in each subject, at no cost. The provide a resource teacher (someone who is a credientaled teacher with the state) with whom we meet once a month to discuss any concerns or questions I have about matthew's progress. Monica also files a report with the state monthly for me that includes a sample of the work that Matthew and I do at home and I bring to her, as a way for me to "prove" that we are meeting his educational goals. (no paper work for me....I love that part!) VOCS also participates in state testing like all of the other public schools, so we will have regular proof again that we are doing our job as parent educators.
Some of my favorite things about the school are : They offer a passport membership for free to enrolled students, so we get into a TON of local and national museums and science centers for FREE. They also offer enrichment programs at no cost for the children once a week at the school in all diffrent subjects like art, PE, Agricuture, ect... They have 900 students in K-12th grade for Bakersfield and a few of the outlying communities, and last year they offered 150 diffrent field trip activities to the children. They have a wood shop, the have a computer lab, a library, hands on science kits for learning, a Partents Club, they do soap box durbies on an new track they recently bought, they offer a prom for the older kids, and at the begining of the year when funds allow, they also offer outside enrichment free or low cost for the kids such as gymnastics, t-ball, karate, flag football........ect...
On March 16th I will be enrolling Matthew in the Living History Week that they have at the school, he will have the opportunity to go for an entire week from 9am-1pm and dress up in pioneer period clothing, and learn about living in the west, he will also learn an age appropriate "trade" each day. The event is supervised by school staff, and while I am welcome to stay and participate, I am also able to let him stay alone and interact with the children and staff.
I have gotten many worried questions about sociallizing from many friends, and my answer is this: in Public School, your children spend an average of 20-30 min. twice a day outside "socializing", they are not permitted to talk in class, and in most schools now they aren't even allowed to talk during the 20 min they have to eat lunch. so If you add that time up Public schooled children average 2 1/2 hours of peer sociallization a week in school and about 3 hours or less daily of socialization at home with Mom and dad and family after you figure in homework, meals, and preperation for the next day. My son will be getting 3 hrs. of enrichment classes (that is hands on, classroom engaged instruction) one day a week from the school, and given that our student to educator ratio is one on one at home we accomplish our school work in about 2 hours a day. leaving about 7 hours of FREE time after you factor in the same meals and next day prep.
another day a week some of his time will be spent in homeschool play groups, and the rest is spent at home with his family and friends developing long lasting and loving relationships, with not only his immediate family, but all of our close friends who come into our life each day because we are free to spend that quality time with them.
The break down:
Public school: 17 1/2 hours average free time each school week for emotional, social, and childhood development outside of a controlled environment

Homeschool: 31 hours average of free time each school week for emotional social, and childhood development outside of a controlled environment

And secondly I ask this- Each year your children spend an average of 2-3 months on Summer Vacation, away from all of thier friends at school, and surrounded by family and close friends- are they any LESS social at the end of that 3 month period then they were when it started? So that begs the question, what does "school" have to do with socialization?

The public school cirriculum offered to matthew was Kidergarten level except for his reading which was given to him at 2nd grade level.........why, you might ask did he not recieve more complicated work if he was able to do it correctly? the response I got was that " It would be a distraction to the other children if he was doing work so diffrent from thiers" Again, he must fit in the box. At home, after our inital assesment at VOCS, we are currently in our second lesson of 1st grade Math, We have been provided with 1st -3rd grade reading material, and our social studies and science this week was done at the San Diego Natural History Museum where we discussed the diffrence between rivers and oceans, the diffrent wildlife that survive in the climates in California, and what it means for animals and seeds to lie dormant, while wating for periods of rain. and that was just the first exhibit we saw!

The changes in my sons behavior are amazing! he is no longer full of pent up energy, he is never bored, and we have a continuing list of things he thinks about and wants to learn about that we pick from each week, and research to his satisfaction. Most recently we made sugar crystals.

I can't wait to continue to update you all on the journey of homeschooling, it will be a journey, and not every moment will be a great one.......but in the end, I believe that the journey itself will be!
for anyone considering homeschooling or interested in learning a little bit more about the public school system and what it actually teaches your children, I suggest that you pick up a book entitled: Dumbing Us Down, By John Taylor Gatto

sunday baking tradition

2009-02-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

a few months ago, I decided to start making our own bread for the house. It's cheaper, and in our oppinion it tastes better too!

Well it has sort of become a Sunday tradition now that I make half a weeks bread every Sunday afternoon, and then more as we need it. I couldn't help but share a picture I took just the other day of the bread cooling.......yummy!

8 things about me

2009-01-25T17:05:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by Kim to come up with this list about myself.....so here it goes!

8 Things about me:
1. I am a full time student again
2. I LOVE being a mommy
3. I am horriably unorgainzed
4. I bake all my own breads
5. I like to stay busy
6. I like to scrapbook
7. I am teaching myself how to sew
8. I love to read

8 TV Shows I watch:
1. Biggest Loser
2. CSI
3. Hero's
4. Big Love
5. Numbers
6. The News
7.
8.

8 Restaurants I love:
1. Sorella's Italian (Bakersfield)
2. Maui Pho (Bakersfield)
3. Taj Mahal (Bakersfield)
4. Jakers Steak House (Montana)
5. Outback
6. Chick-fil-a :)
7. Elephant Bar
8. Que Pasa

8 Things that Happened Today:
1. Taught Sunday School
2. cleaned the house
3. made 4 loaves of bread for the week
4. folded laundry
5. took some pictures
6. hung out with my little girl
7. I will be picking up matthew in 40 min.
8. I will be reading my english book for the quiz tomorrow

8 Things I look forward to:
1. Helping in the kids classrooms this week
2. meeting my new personal trainer at the gym
3. getting throug another week at school
4. warmer weather
5. seeing Jenny this summer
6. my anniversary this summer
7. going swiming with my kids soon
8. my mom hopefully coming to visit!

8 Things I wish for:
1. continued health for my family
2. less struggles with my son's behavior
3. seeing my friends and family more
4. a maid for the house
5. a cook for the family
6. more income
7. moving to south carolina!
8. making better friendships with my california friends
8 Songs I just listened to:
1.-8. ummm......... the christian radio station this morning, and my Hubby's play list on myspace this afternoon

8 Favorite Movies:
1. Mary Poppins
2. The sound of Music
3. Juno
4. Newsies
5.-8. almost any documentary or informational movie about women/and or/ childrens struggles or rights and cultures

Tag 8 people for this :
1. Katie
2. Sheila
3. Sheralyn
4. Krista
and anyone else who feels so inclined :) just leave me a comment so I can go check it out!

The nothing drawer??

2009-01-25T15:12:00.000-08:00

Last week, we were getting ready to go to school in the morning, and I was directing the kids to get there shoes and socks on and get ready to go.

A few minutes later, I finishing my hair and I hollared at each of the kids to make sure they had indeed gotten there socks and shoes on.

My darling daughter replied with:

"yes!, I got my socks out of my nothing drawer.....where are my shoes?"

Mommy- "Your shoes are in the office, on the shoe rack!".........a moment goes buy....... "Hey Samantha?"

Samantha- "I finded my shoes!"

Mommy- "Good!, Hey sissy? what is a Nothing drawer?"

Samantha- "its my drawer that has nothing, I putted my socks in my nothing drawer."

Mommy- "ok, just wondering......to the door guys were gonna be late!"

I sort of giggled that morning, its amazing the things my daughter thinks up. Each of the kids put away there own clothes in thier drawers when I fold laundry and I always say "Make sure you put your pants in your pants drawer....ect." apparently samantha decided to create a "nothing drawer" ...........so I wonder, just what goes in a nothing drawer?

This morning just as we were getting ready to leave for church, Samantha came out with the black "pop-up" toy from my previous post, and she says to her brother: "Hey Matthew, Look what I found!, It was in my Nothing Drawer"

so now my intrest is peaked, just what IS in the "nothing drawer?" so I did a little investigating today, and this my friends is the NOTHING DRAWER:

all the things every little girl needs: a blowdryer and hair tie, a stuffed animal, some leggos, and barbie clothes and for course the socks! LOL

good morning sillies!!

2009-01-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

I got out of bed this morning, and came out to the living room to find my children playing with these: Description:Endless amusement. Turn this rubber pop-up inside out, place it on a flat surface, and watch it jump skyward.

however, the flat surface Matthew had chosen to use was SAMANTHA'S HEAD!!!! of course I came out just in time to see this black thing go flying off her head, and to hear Samantha say "owww!"
Matthew- "I'm sorry Samantha"
of course he's saying this as he is placing the pop up toy firmly on his own head.........POP!!!
Matthew- Oww...that does hurt!
Samantha- I told you!!!

I just shook my head on my way to the kitchen to get breakfast.......my children are dorks!

A new year of Possiablities!

2009-01-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOSH..................I'M BACK IN THE TECHNOLOGICAL WORLD!
I am so happy to report that we offically have internet in our home again!
I get to blogggggggg...........WHOO HOO!

Ok, enough celebrating.....on to the updating.
The last time I was on here, I don't even think we had celebrated Christmas yet!
The Holidays went great, with lots of presents for the kids and more good food then I needed to eat!

January has already brought alot of changes to our house. Starting with Rob, who finally got his hearing test results, and subsequently a hearing aid for his left ear. Its been an adjustment with all of the extra noises for him that he didn't used to hear..... little things that we all take for granted, like the sound of the coffe pot perkilating in the morning or a clock ticking are all part of his day again, and for a while it was an overload of sensations, but he is doing much better now.
I have regularly made "adjustments" for him for so long- Like offering to switch places at a table so that he could talk to someone, or reminding friends when they hollar at him from another room that "he can't hear you".... so it has been a real change for me as well to remember that he CAN sit across from someone at a table, and he CAN actually hear people from across the room now! Its AMAZING!! I think my favorite experiance has been seeing his face light up when the audiologist first put the hearing aid in, I wish I had a camara, he was just in awe of all the sounds that he had forgotten about!

Along with the Hearing test, we also got refferals for him to start Physical Therapy for his vertigo (simular to training that they give figure skater's so they don't get dizzy) and he also had an MRI to check for a small tumor incase that was causing the problems(It came back negaitive)
and Last but not least, he is Schedualed for an ENG on the 21st so that we can mabey find a cause of the vertigo --(Electronystagmography (ENG) is a diagnostic test to record involuntary movements of the eye caused by a condition known as nystagmus. It can also be used to diagnose the cause of vertigo, dizziness or balance dysfunction by testing the vestibular system)

I am really hoping that this will help give us some answers and give him relief from the daily "personal Earthquakes" as he reffers to them! LOL I love my Hubby, he can find humor in anything!

Its seems as if the Guys in our house are Genetically engineered to gravitate toward the Doctors office!
With all of this going on with Rob, I have also been trying to handle matthew. I finally broke down, after 4 years, and took him to the Doctor to see if she had any ideas as to ways to help him to not have accidents during the day. I didn't realize it until I was talking with the pediatrician, but Matthew hasn't had a COMPLEATE week without some sort of potty accident in the last 4 years that we have been potty training!
Well the doc of course gave him a compleate physical, which showed that he has some weakness in his ankles, and need some allergy meds. She also had his blood drawn, and sent us for a bladder function/kidney reflux x-ray test. (Blood work came back good, No thyroid issues, kidney and liver function normal, and no enimea- Bladder xrays also came back normal) I sort of figured all of these things would come back normal, so I'm not suprised. If anything I'm a little peeved that my poor baby had to go thru all the sticks, and needles, and cathiderization for the tests! but at least we have concreat medical evidance that there is nothing internally wrong. The Doc Mentioned some nerve testing as our next step to make sure that the right signals are being passed along, and I intend to push again for the OT evaluation that I think he needs.
Aside from the bladder issues, I have also recently been dealing with quite a bit of over-active impulsiveness from him as well. I think in part it has something to do with all of the holiday madness, and birthday fun for himself, me and his sister......BUT, I am absolutly exhausted and at my wits end! Even his teacher is commenting that he is figgitting on the rug, and having a hard time staying on task. Today, he got in trouble for taking his arm out of his sleeve and swinging his long sleeve around repeatedly. I kept him home from school yesterday, hoping that if I could give him a day to stay with me and get some one on one attention and discipline it would help, but the day ended with my just being physically and mentally exhausted. I took him to the dollar store to get some balloons for his sister, and I ended up having to physically hold down his arms in the check out line so that he would stop touching the conveyer belt and debit card buttons! twice he jumped out of the van into the parking lot instead of waiting for me to come around and open the door, and to top the night off, he got sent to his room for running through the living room and jumping feet first onto the couch and catapoling back off!
On an up note today's home time seemed better, we are experianceing some warm weather, so I was able to let the kids play in the back yard with the dog and chalk and stuff for about 2 hours this afternoon..........it was a nice little break!
For some positive news for Matthew, He has mastered about 2/3 rds of the skills that he is graded on in school and is compleating the remaining tasks (following rules, staying on task, ect.) with regular consistancy. As for the State testing, he tested 37 out of 37 for the information and subjects that he needs to master to move on to 1st grade! he is accidemically at the top of his class, and we couldn't be prouder of him!

Now onto the Girls in this family!

My little Sissy Bug is now offically 4 years old! a few weeks ago, she decided she finally wanted to cut her hair, so I took her to Great Clips, and we cut off 8 inches and donated it to Locks of Love. So she now has a cute little sholder length bob, that she LOVES and so does mommy!!! No more knots and tears in the morning, it's so much eaisier now!
Samantha really enjoys her preschool class (most days!) and her teacher couldn't be more perfect for her and is a pro at dealing with our little girls' "strong personality" while still enjoying her loving princess side! I love going to her class and hearing her sing her ABC's and Days of the week and Months of the year songs, it is so much fun to watch her learn and grow into the little kid that she is becoming--attitude and all!!!

and last but not least, Mommy:
its funny, I have so much to say about my family, and I had to sit here for a few min. to figure out what to say about myself......guess that's how it goes when your the mom!
I started back trying to lose weight again recently. when everything happened with Rob losing his job and all of the battles that we had, I sort of gave up on losing weight and became more focused on surviving. Not an excuse I know, but I did manage to gain back all but a pound of the wieght that I lost at Weight Watchers! on the up side I have lost 7 pounds already!!
I recently went to a LapBand seminar, and this really seems like a procedure that could help me alot, BUT my insurance often won't pay for it, and I just can't afford the 14,500 dollars that the surgery costs, plus any complications from my surgery as an infant with my stomach and my hernia..........so those plans have been put on hold, until I am sure that it is possiable and we can figure out how to pay for it!
I am excited to say that I am going back to College on the 20th of this month full time again. I have finally made a decision as to what I want my major to be..........drum roll please......... I plan to get a k-6 teaching creditental as well as a bachelors in Mathmatics to be followed in the future by a single subject creditental to teach 7-12th grad mathmatics. I realized after being in the kids class rooms this year that I really enjoy that environment, and that it sounds like alot more fun than being an accountant! so since math comes so easily to me,. and I want to have a bachelors degree in something other than just liberal studies, I decided to go for math......leaves me lots of options!
So this semster I am signed up to take: ASL II and English with Rob, and I am taking Sociology and possiably Child Development if I get into the class. Right now it is wait listed.
That is all the news I can come up with for myself, unless of course you are intrested in hearing about my dirty dishes, bathrooms, homework, gas bill........well you get the picture!

Thanks for reading my lengthy update, and I can't wait to come back this weekend and get some of the pictures I've been waiting to share uploaded for your viewing pleasure!!

hello long lost blogger buddies!

2008-12-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

wanna know something cool????
there is internet access at the church where I watch kids on Wed. nights!
I'm sure that sounds really goofy, but I am jonesing for an internet fix right now and this is just what I needed.....2 hrs of surfing the web...Ahhhh!

Well, so much has happened I don't know where to start! Rob's hours picked up alot at work, and the kids and he were just UNABLE to adjust to me having to be gone so much working. Rob was having anxiety attacks, matthew was having trouble in school, our house was a dissaster even by my lax standards, my kids were both sick and going compleate weeks without showers, not to mention my hubbby was almost not passing his classes. So we are very greatful that I am no longer working now.

Money is still tight but we can atleast survive, and I have signed up for classes again starting I Jan. I am changing my major to Elementary Education and possiably getting a single subject credintal in Math so that I can teach JR. high and High school math if I want. Still looking into the double creditial program at Cal state.

I have started to make it my job to save us money so that it is cost effective for me to be home with the kids rather than be out there looking for a job. 1st I have started making a menu plan for dinners and I do my groccery shopping off of the list, so we save money, and I know exactly what I am cooking every day which helps me to actually cook it! 2nd I have started making our bread, the old fashoned way, by hand. its not as complicated as I thought it would be, although a bit time consuming waiting for the raising I can make 8-10 loves of bread/rolls/biscuts ect. for about $3 so its a big savings! I was also given a starter for amish friendship bread and have been making a really yummy quick bread for breakfast and dessert with pudding mix every 10 days.
I feel like suzie homemaker! LOL
of course I am still at the kids school Mon. and Fri. and helping inbetween whenever I can. Yesterday I helped at the SantaSecret Shop at matthew's school where the kids can come with money and buy $1-$15 dollar gifts for mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and other family. Its really fun to help the kids decide what to get and help them stay in budget! Tonight, while samantha and I are at the church watching kids, Matthew is at Awana's with Rob and one of his little buddies Michael from school. Tomarrow Matthew is making Gingerbread houses with his class and I am going to help him. and of course Friday I will be with Samantha at her school hanging out.
This Sat. we are processing more pumpking for Christmas pumpkin pies...yummy! and Sunday I teach Sunday School classs with the kids!
I am truely enjoying my buys schedual and the kids seem to be much happier having me home, I know I'm happy to be there again!
Oh and Rob passed his first two finals and takes the 3rd one tomarrow, so proud of him!

Our house is all decorated for Christmas, can you believe we only have a little more than 2 weeks until the Big Day!?!?! where has this year gone? I just can't believe how much has happened in the last 11 months, I am praying for a little less excitement next year, I could use a little mundane for a while :)

For a little holiday cheer I will share my wonderful Son's version of Deck the Halls that he shared with us today:

"Spike the Halls with Boggs of Jolly.......fala lala la lala la la"

Happy holidays to you all!

things are a-changing!

2008-12-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

well, I'm not working anymore! (long story!)
but things are going good, Rob is working alot more, and I am busier than ever just being the mommy again. I have started making my own bread, and been doing alot of cooking.
we will have our internet back in about a week or so, and I will have more time to blog about alot!
Happy Holidays to everyone!

I got promoted!

2008-11-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

Job security.....sorta!
My new job is going well! so well in fact, That I got promoted today to a CS2. Although it doesn't mean a lot, what is does mean is that I am now on a "team" and no longer part of the "trainees", I will have different programs that I call in now, and I am also eligable for $1 and $2 an hour bonuses if I can keep my stats up.
on top of my promotion today, I also got a "Top Trainee Caller" award for being at 124% of goal for my average for the week. To put that into perspective for you all, the programs I was calling in last week had a goal set of between 35-68 dollars an hour that the company wanted you to make, so that means that I made at least 25% more than that for every hour that I was on the phone in those programs....yea me :)
The last two weeks, I have been above 100% of goal, and because my stats were so high, they did a gift filter on my calls (aka, we are pretty sure you are screwing up, so the head hanchos are gonna check it out) by the Shift Supervisor to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong....they pulled 40 of my calls for the week, and listened to 20 of them for mistakes....guess how many I made???? .....2 and they weren't even big deals, on one I forgot a legal close at the end...oops, and on the other I told the lady that we could call back her husband on a sat. when I was supposed to tell her that we were on an automatic dialer and that we would call back but I didn't know when.....my bad!...
The other good thing about getting promoted, is that unlike when I was in training and they could fire me within 7 days of not making my 85% of goal, as a CS2 If my numbers drop, they give me 4-5 WEEKS to get my numbers back up! so for now at least, I have some amount of job security through thanksgiving :)

I'm really hoping to get our halloween pictures and stuff up soon! for now I need to go take care of my poor little girl, who has croup, and figure out what is happening this weekend with the rummage sale for the school, Rob's working on the coast, sick kids, and lets not forget matthew's homework that is due tomarrow and got left at the church last night that i need to go pick up, Work tomarow night, and going and getting cat food! ahh it never ends!

Another week of Chaos has ended!

2008-11-01T14:45:00.001-07:00

Another week has ended, and another paycheck earned. I feel like the world just sort of spins around me from day to day, and I am in some alternate universe!

So for this week, The kids didn't get a shower after MONDAY night....
Rob left Samantha's hair in THE SAME BRAID for 3 days! (thank you Kristina for finally taking it out and brushing it!)
Matthew didn't have a snack on two days this week, and I filled out his book log for THE WHOLE MONTH on friday morning since it hadn't been done.

My husband went and put gas in his car, and spaced out and put $20 instead of $5 in his tank.....I'm really glad I stashed a little bit in our savings that I could transfer over until friday so that we didn't pay anymore fees!

On the up side, I managed to get the kids cosutmes bought, watch kids at the church, get the cat to the vet, and attend Matthew's Scarecrow Day at his school on friday as well as help on Monday.

Work is good. If my stats are high enough from this week, I should get a premotion to a CS2 this upcoming thursdays.....which doesn't actually mean much except that I am no longer sitting in the "training row" and I am eligable for weekly bonuses.
I can not wait until elections are done! If I have to make one more call for the Macain/Palin campaign, the RNC, or Yes for Marriage for Arizona state, I might just scream! oh and just FYI..no offense, but Republicans are a bunch of rude tightwads! LOL

I finally got Rob to go to the doctor for his hearing. it is now offical, I am married to a deaf/hard of hearing person! He hears at 90 Decibles (the same level as the inside of a deasle engine if you stuck your head in and closed the lid) in his right ear and 35 decibles in his left (just at the start of hearing loss, due to loud noises exposure). The doc says a hearing aid should work for the left ear, and he needs to have a surgical consult for the right ear to make sure that nothing strange is going on inside the ear. although it is likely it is a genetic weakness, it could be a tumor (gee thanks doc!)

Halloween was good, I'll post more tonight on that with some pictures!

The new adventures of the working mommy!

2008-10-21T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well folks I'm almost done with my 3rd week of work, and let me tell you, this has been one BUMPY ride!!
The first full week was crazyness, Monday night after work, I couldn't get my brain to stop going over the script that I had been reading for 7 hrs! I ended up so tired on Tuesday, that I was dizzy by the time I got home. I took a one hour nap and then we went to parent-teacher confrence for matthew (that will be another blog!) Wed. I went to work and then went to the church in the evening. Between everything going on with Little feet Repeats, and school pictures for Samantha we have had some interesting things happening!

I got my first paycheck last friday! I was so excited! I came home and checked our bank account before heading to deposit it, and was shocked to see we were in the red!
of course I had to do a little investigating....so here is what I found out:
My Husband is NOT a "mister mom!" LOL

It starts like this, Samantha's dress for picture day got a rip in it, so he went to target and got her a new outfit and matching shoes......$40 worth!
Two of his afternoons were "busy" so he decided to get lunch for him and the kids.
that in itself wouldnt' have been bad, but we went out to dinner after PT confrences, and I put gas in the Van, and asked him to go to foodmax for some odds and ends on Wed........because I THOUGHT we had money! sooo low and behold, my first check went to bank fees! LOL Oh well at least it was covered!

Back to the hubby and my house.....
I recently found out that my kids didn't eat breakfast one morning last week, because they left it in daddy's car when he dropped them off and didn't tell Kristina they hadn't eaten.

Matthew hasn't worn the appropriate color on "color day" for 3 weeks now

daddy sent matthew's homework folder back to school with him on tuesday, with all of the homework for the week and parent information STILL INSIDE the bag!

Matthew's school started a fundraiser on the 15th, I found his bookbag in the van on the 19th, and finally figured out it was happening, and ending on the 27th.......daddy negelected to look inside the bag!

Laundry in my house is a whole story in itself, my husband has continued to was and dry the laundry and put it on the couch......however I am not home to fold it and have it put away....so that is where it has stayed, slowly becoming smaller each day as we dig clothes out to wear, and then re-appearing at the begining of the week to start the process over again.

I think we have eaten 3 home cooked dinners since I started working...between me leaving at 6am and both of us being gone until 2 and 3 pm respectivley, nothing is getting taken out for dinner and of course my hubby doesn't remeber to take anything out in the am or the afternoon, and I don't remeber at 5:25am when I am leaving the house with my hotpocket and coffee!

My floors need to be mopped so bad its sad! I started cleaning last tuesday....I got half of the bathroom clean and the dishes done before I needed to start with dinner and finish my LFR stuff!

This wed. I came home to find my husband laying on our bed with a bad case of vertigo, and the kids at the neighbors house. I took him to the Urgent care, where they ran tests and after about 5 hrs decided to send us to the ER for a CT scan. 3 hrs later we found out that everything was fine and it was just a virus that causes something to happen INSIDE your ears causing the vertigo, and Rob was perscribed valium and phenegran to help until it went away and told to take 2 days off from work. need less to say I didn't go to work yesterday, Although I was able to get the kids to school, get robs perscription filled, put gas in the car, take a NAP!!, drop my stuff off at LFR, eat dinner with my family, and go groccery shopping! of course now I have to work 6-3 on Sat. to make up the hours. Rob is at work right now until 3 and then I will head to work until 9 tonight and back for a good portion of Sat. and Rob is working in Ventura on Sunday while I teach Sunday School.

I would like to say its going to slow down and get better but I doubt it! I still am helping at the kids classes on Monday and Friday respectively, and at the church on Wed. nights and every sunday now because the two ladies that were helping me are having family/health problems.
This week I need to find, buy, or make the kids costumes, get matthew's shirt and patches done for scarecrow day at the school on halloween, help Rob decorate the Van for Trunk-or-Treat at the school, and make a cake or two for the cake walk at Samantha's school since I probably won't be able to be there with her. Oh and the cat is going to the vet on the 31st for his shots and teeth cleaning so I need to drop him of at 8am and remeber not to feed him the night before!

In three weeks its Matthew's 6th birthday! I have NO IDEA where we are having it, what I am getting him, what the cake is going to be? not to mention actually making invitations and getting them out by the 2nd or so!
A week after that will be thanksgiving, and making pies for the holidays and starting to make plans for Christmas and decorating the house (you know my halloween decorations never even made it out of the box this year!)
of course then we have the new year, and just a few days later is my birthday, then Samantha's birthday and Cece's on the 14th..........at that point I think I will be able to breath again!

So If I haven't called, messaged, blogged, emailed.......ect.......
now you know why!!

I have so many good pictures from pumpkin patch visiting, and carving.......I can't wait to have some free time to sit and blog again.......someday!!!

Until next time!

1st day!

2008-10-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

My first day went well. normal first day paperwork, getting aquainted with the company ect....
tomarrow will be more about the acutal functions of the job.....so far so good!

a few projects

2008-10-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

so I have been working on these projects and I finally got them all done!

Samanth's skirt was easy, just took me some time to actually sit down and hem it!

Matthew's pants took me about 3 days of sproadic work, the elastic was a pain in my ASS and the pattern I had was WAY to big, so I spent some time trying to figure out how to hem them smaller and not loose the material so that he can keep growing into them......finally got it, and there is a 4 inch seam around everything so he should be able to wear them for at least two whole winters if not three....Not bad for a $4 pair of jammie pants!

The halloween cloth is something I started from some extra material that Katie graciously gave me the other day :) I got it all sewn together, but decided I want to do something more with it, my plan is to line it with some orange ribbon, and then use it as a center to a larger black or purple table cloth for the kitchen table........just gotta make a trip to wal-world or joann's and figure out what I want to use and can afford!

Working Women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!
I went in for a group interview.......read from the script, found out about the company and went home.
One hour later I got a call from the HR lady that I had made the cut! I start training on Monday.
I was a bit hesitant about the whole idea because it is telephone fundraising for a VERY Conservative group of folks, and I don't always tend to agree with alot of those views.........but after hearing about a good handful of the 100 diffrent clients they help, I found that in actuallity there are only 3 organizations that I don't fully support, and only one of those three do I actually 100% disagree with......so all in all NOT to bad!

after the training week, which is 8am-noon, I will be starting my schedual and after talking to Rob this is what we came up with: Mon. 1pm-9pm (that way I can still help in matthew's class every monday!) Tue-Thur. 6am-2pm (that way I am home in the evening to spend time with the family and work on homework for my classes, also I can continue to watch the kids at the church on Wed. nights which is also a paid position!) and Fri. 5pm-9pm (so that Rob can still work his day time hours that day, and I can still help in Samantha's class!) Sat. and Sunday I will be off and Rob will be able to work when work is avaliable. Originally I was not going to work on Friday eithier, BUT as it sat I would have made $10 per hour only working Mon-Thur, and If I worked another 4 hrs a week my pay would go up to $12 an hour! SOOOO we decided it was financially better for me to just work the 4 extra hours on friday evening. The Only catch is that If Rob has to work out of town for a weekend i will need to find a sitter for the kids for the 4 hrs I will be working.......but I figure between Grandma Cec, Kristina just down the block, my neighbor, and the few girlfriends I have here, I can figure something out from time to time if the need arises! and with the $400 extra a month I will make with the pay raise, I can even afford to pay for it!!!!

I am so excited and compleatly blessed to have found a job that can work enough around my hours that I can still be avaliable for my kids, and my husband can still work on the weekends!!!!

Thanks Katie for suggesting that I apply!
and thanks to all of you who have prayed for us and helped us while we went through all of this, we couldn't have made it without you!!!

An update on my first day is coming soon :0)

I have an interview!!!!!!!

2008-09-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

I got a call back today from MDS the phone fundraising place today.......I have a group interview on Thrusday at 2, and if that goes well, I should have a job!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll let you all know how it goes!

fun with digital scrapbooking

2008-09-28T20:50:00.001-07:00

I downloaded a free version of a digital scrap program called Scrapbook MAX! and decided to try it out tonight.......pretty fun although I think I like doing it on paper more, this is a fun way to figure out what your ideas could do before you actually glue them down!

fun with layouts!

2008-09-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I have seen all these really cute layouts on peoples blogs, and I really wanted one! of course I have NO ability to understand HTML codes or anything like that, so I just stuck to my plan jane layout offered here on blogger :)

well I started snooping around tonight, did an internet search and found the cutest little layout site! and I even played around with pictures a bit! fun stuff :)
of course I will never have fancy shmancy layouts that I see around, but its nice to get a change every once in a while!

Hope you all like the new look!

A Picture is worth 1000 words

2008-09-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

In keeping with her Red Neck Roots, I present.............My Lovely Daughter!

She makes me sooo proud!!!

Good food, and family time!

2008-09-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Grandma and Grandpa took the family to the fair.! ( and mommy took lots of really cool pictures!!)

It's become sort of a family tradition for us all to go to the fair on Senior day, Grandpa and Grandma always insist on paying the bill, and the kids have a Blast!

This year started out pretty normally, Grandma the kiddos and I, and Grandma's sister Bea who was visiting, all got to the fair about 3 and shared a funnle cake! yummm! (Not my picture, daddy hadn't brought the camara yet!)

Then all the ladies and Kids went and saw all the craft and art exhibits, the kids really enjoyed the minatures section this year, and I was amazed at the hand made dolls exhibit!

About 6 Grandpa and Daddy joined us for some yummy fair food, we found a table big enough for all of us, and I sat with the kids while the other adults went to figure out what there hearts desire was :) (again not my picture but I thought it was cool)

The kids wanted BIG slices of Pizza (big suprise there!)

Grandpa and Daddy had a fried chicken dinner (BORING!!!!!!)

Grandma Cece and Bea had philly steak sandwiches (Better than fried chicken!)

and I had my Traditional BBQ'ed turkey leg!, plus I stole some fries from daddy's plate ;)

(HAHAHAHAHA you think I let someone take a picture of ME eating a BBQ Turkey Leg....YEAH RIGHT!)

Of course I had to get pictures of us all sitting around getting fat and happy at the fair (except for me of course!), I think my favorites are Rob covered in BBQ sauce after finishing my turkey leg, and of course the kids had to have a taste too.....which turned into them EATTING the rest of it! Little stinkers!!!!

After all our tummy's were stuffed, we headed over to the little kiddos area so the kids could check out all the cool FREE stuff. (isn't it cute how matthew has his arm around his sister??)

About 8-ish Grandma and Bea and Grandpa were pooped and headed home, but before they left they gave us some cash with the instructions to let the kids ride a few rides!

Of course Mom and Dad were pooped out too, and the kids weren't to far behind, but we headed over to the ticket booth and got a few tickets. The kids could have picked two diffrent rides each, but they decided to ride together on the same two rides and had tons of fun!

So with aching feet and cranky babies, we left the 2008 Kern County Fair. Can't wait untill next year!! (kern county library photo)

still alive

2008-09-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

we are still alive and kicking, although we have all been fighting an icky cold this week, I think we are on the mend. Just in time for Grandma and grandpa to take us to the fair :) so excited to have some fun memories for the kiddos!

Still no word on a job for me, Rob has been painting his dad's house for a little extra cash, and as soon as my cold goes away I am going to go down and get a job with a local telemarketing/fundraising company.

Other than that we are haning on and remebering how blessed we are to have friends family and strangers helping to carry us through this difficult time. Although I do have to say, I wasn't a huge fan of spahgettie before all of this happened and I have a feeling when we get back on our feet you may never see me eat another bowl of spaghettie anything!!!!!!!! for now tho, I will just be thankful to have food in our tummies!!!!!

Hanging in there!

2008-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much time I have, since I am borrowing a VERY weak signa from a neighbor......but wanted to let you all know we are hanging in there.

Still no word for me on a job, but Rob was able to get some work today and tomarrow on the coast, so that will help on next pay day.

we have been blessed again by friends and strangers at the preschool and the church that it is run through with gifts of food for the family. We currently have about 3 weeks of Food in the pantry and fridge and enough snacks for matthew to take to school for at least 2 weeks if not more.
It looks like rob's check will cover our van and insurance, and pay part of the utilities as well as keep the phones on since that is what I have on all the applications.

Jenny sent me a little bit of cash, which is paying for the animals to get fed this month ( love ya!)

and of cours Rob's dad is still a HUGE help every day just by finding work for Rob, and letting us live in the house, let alone everything else he helps or is helping with currently.
I'm still helping with the kids classrooms, I was in Samantha's today, it is so neat to hear her sing there little songs and watch her do the centers and interact with her friends :)
Matthew can't wait for Monday!

This weekend we are going to be hanging out at home, I think I may drag out my sewing machine and try and get some projects done, and of course I ALWAYS have laundry to catch up on! everything else is done tho, its amazing how much I get done when I don't have the T.V. or internet to distract me! LOL

so there is our update for this week!

The silver line in the rain cloud

2008-09-09T16:27:00.001-07:00

I was sitting last night at 10pm doing some work for Mrs. Cable drawing x's on little button shaped pieces of colord paper to make them actually "look" like buttons, it was manatinous work, but I got it all done in about 2 1/2 hrs! then today I was cutting out little strips of paper for her with my decorative sicissors, and I realized something........
I am having SO MUCH FUN! this may seem silly, but I have waited for 5 years to be able to be a "room mom" and get to help in the kids classrooms, and I am finally getting a chance to do it!

So I am trying to focus on enjoying myself :) yes I am still really needing and wishing and praying for a job, but I am going to take this time to enjoy doing what I have been dreaming of all of this time, and that is: BE A MOMMY WHO IS INVOLVED......I am so overjoyed to be helping matthew and doing little projects at home, its the best feeling in the world to know that he will remeber me helping him and being there with him and being a part of his schooling. I love having the opportunity to be involved with the kids, and I am going to focus on counting my blessings while I wait for that job to come along!

ignorance is bliss

2008-09-07T10:47:00.001-07:00

The last week to week and a half, I have blissfully been ignoring our worsening situation........well trying to at least!
My cousin came out to visit for the long holiday weekend, and graciously paid for EVERYTHING we did or ate, which was a nice reprieve. Then we had a short week with school, and I even got a chance to go up to the college with Rob one day and get some class work done with the library book. A "friend" got married on friday, and the inlaws watched the kids so we could enjoy the reception, we had a nice yummy free dinner and even got to dance together a little bit :)
Yesterday, I sat down and read my textbooks that came in the mail because of Crystal! (thanks again!) and we watched some old movies we had around the house with the kids.
Rob even got his first paycheck since South Carolina on friday!
And then last night after the kids were in bed I sat down to look at the bills......and compare them to Rob's check..... Well we can pay for the Van, and the one credit company that is threating collection who I made payment arrangements with can get paid, and I can pay our cellphone bill so that we have phones. And that's all, the money is gone.......

It hit me again, the situation we are in.......I can't avoid it, and so far I can't fix it eithier.
I started to take a inventory of the food we had from Christina, and the things that Andrea bought for us before she left. I'm back where we were on Aug 25th, I think we have about 7-10 days worth of meat for dinners, rice and boxed potatos and frozen veggies. I have cereal, enough to last the kids about 10-14 days mabey a little longer.....we are buying soy milk with some of the money that Rob is making today painting a room for his dad. We have 2 packs of corn dogs and a loaf of bread and some peanut butter and jelly and lunch meat for lunches....again I think it will last us about 1-2 weeks.

So monday I shove back my pride and I will be calling Love Inc. to see what they can do to help us with food, and possiably a job for that matter.

I have turned in 16 Applications!!! and I have gotten 4 responses of positions being filled........I registered with Act-1 temp agency last week, and am praying that they will call me this week with something, even if its uber temporary.

Ignorance was bliss for a little bit.........guess its time to face realities deamons once again.......
thanks for listening to me vent, and I continue to ask for your prayers, and if you have or hear of anyone that is hiring for a job, or needs odd work done let me know!!!!!!

My funny son!

2008-09-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

Matthew has a packet of homework that he brings home with him every Monday, and all of the papers are due back finished and in class on Friday. Last week one of the things that he brought home was a picture of an Elephant that had a grid drawn on it. Apparently the kids have been working on recognizing and compleating patterns last week. Well for this particular assignment Matthew had to pick two colors and create a pattern on the elephant and color the whole thing.
So my son picked Blue and Red, and began his pattern.......Blue, Red, Blue, Red, Blue, Red.....all the way accross and down this giant Elephant grid. He was just about done with the elephants trunk and he looks up and says:
"You know what would be funny mommy?"

"What's that?" I reply

and ever so matter of factly, " If the elephant sneezes, it's gonna sneeze PURPLE!"

of course I had to ask "Why Purple?"

"Because blue and red mixed together make purple" (in the requiste....duh mom! voice)

I am amazed every day at the amount of things he knows and retains!!!

BTW.....after he finished his pattern on the elephant, he just had to get out the purple crayon and color a nice big purple spray of snot coming out of the elephants trunk so Mrs. Cable could see what would happen if the elephant sneezed!

LOL I love my goofy son!

we had company, and a very unproductive weekend!

2008-09-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

The end of this week was better than last!
for starters my cousin came out to visit us, who the kids and Rob haven't seen since we moved alittle over 2 1/2 years ago. We had a very nice visit, and she was soooo kind in coming on vacation (one that had been planed before all of this shit happened!) and still paying for EVERYTHING that we did! I was able to take her to applebee's for a dinner with a gift card that I had, and my inlaws took us all bowling, so we had a little fun :) she also bought all of us Rosemary's one night, and got a some little crafts for the kids and her to do one day at home, we got some cute pictures!
Today we had to take her back to the airport, but on the way we made a detour to the Hollywood sign and got a picture for her, as well as Rodeo Drive, and the corner of Hollywood and Vine! it was a fun little excursion :).
Now we are getting ready to start another week, I still haven't found a job, and have continued to put in applications, I most recently sent one in to the FAA for a Air Traffic Controller, and to Walmart. I am hitting up Target and Denny's tomarrow night. I have gotten 3 letters of positions being filled so far......ick!

Tomarrow I have arranged with Kirstina to take matthew to school with her and her girls and drop samantha off with my Mother in law, who will pick the kids up as well, so that I can go with Rob to the college and get caught up on my online classes before I get kicked out. I got one of the two books that Crystal sent me, but I got accepted to one other class as well, so I need to get started on those two tomarrow. Its frustrating to have to do all this juggling, but I am determined not to give up on school or my education, I am just glad that my MIL is willing to help this week!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day weekend, I know we certianly enjoyed our family visit!

why women should vote!

2008-08-31T15:26:00.000-07:00

My friend Sheralyn posted this and it amazed me! so I am passing it along!
Why Women Should Vote
I got this email today. It sounded exaggerated so of course, being me, I looked it up. I'm telling you this now because this is has some really bad details in it. But it's all true. I've included links at the bottom for those that want to read more. Don't get me wrong, I knew women fought hard for the right to vote, I just didn't realise how much they went through to get that right. History often "softens" memories like these, so I felt the need to share so it isn't forgotten....
This is something we all need to be aware of and execute our right to vote.This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers, as they lived only 90 years ago. Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketting the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote. And by the end of the night, they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden's blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of 'obstructing sidewalk traffic.' They beat Lucy Burn, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air. They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.Thus unfolded the 'Night of Terror' on Nov. 15, 1917 , when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson's White House for the right to vote.For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms. When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press. So, refresh my memory. Some women won't vote this year because--why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn't matter? It's raining?Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO's new movie 'Iron Jawed Angels.' It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder.All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was inconvenient.My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women's history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She Was--with herself. 'One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,' she said. 'What would those women think of the way I use--or don't use--my right to vote? All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.' The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her 'all over again.'HBO released the movie on video and DVD. I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum I want it shown on Bunco night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn't our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn't make her crazy.The doctor admonished the men: 'Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.' Please, if you are so inclined, pass this on to all the women you know. We need to get out and vote and use this right that was fought so hard for by these very courageous women. Whether you vote democratic, republican or independent party - remember to vote.History is being made.
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My Friends

2008-08-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

My friends are the best! all of them!
Since we have been going through all of this the last week and a half, I have had the largest outpouring of support from my friends, those who live here in bakersfield, and even the ones who are far away in other states and cities.
I can not say thank you enough to all of you who have supported us in every little way possiable through this hard time. All of you are amazing and your prayers and words of encouragement mean more to me than anything!
To those of you who have supported us with help that is material, I am forever in your debt.
I would like to give a few special thankyou's out right now........Please know that even if you have been able to offer only your shoulder to cry on and your prayers that I am forever greatful!!!

A special thank you to:
My Father in Law Manning, without his unending support and selflessness we would not know what to do, Thanks dad for giving us a place to live, for finding work for my husband, and for all of the monetary loans you have given us.......I don't think I will ever be able to repay you!

To my Mother, Thanks for calling to check on us, and for offering to send me your tip money from massages, I know that you don't have much, and offering to give me your extra means alot to me.

To Christina, thankyou so much for the extra food, and for helping with the preschool, and our halloween delima, I am forever in your debt.

To Crystal, I don't think I can say thankyou enough for your willingness to help me get me school books for this semster so that I can continue my education and reach my dreams, it means so much!

To the Julies and Miss Elly at the preschool, Thanks for listening to me, and finding out where I can turn in the community for assistance.

To Doris, Katie, and Krista, Thanks for being my cheerleaders, thankyou for reminding me that I have people in my corner, and thanks for being willing to listen to me and be my shoulders.

To Jenny, Thanks for calling every day and making sure I'm ok, thankyou for your unending support and willingness to help my family in every way that you can always, I couldn't ask for a better Best Friend!

a new kinda low

2008-08-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well the kids are at school, and I am waiting to hear back from someone for a job.

I did something this morning I have NEVER done in my whole life. After I dropped samantha off at school I went over to the park and scoured the trash bins for cans and plasitics......I found 3, then went and drove around the neighborhood, trying to get up the nerve to possiably check out some of the bins out for trash day. It didn't work, I just couldn't do it.......guess I'm not that desperate yet? When I came home I noticed we had a cardboard box by the back door that we had missed that was full of cans, so I will see if Rob wants to take them down later tonight or just wait until tomarrow, its not a big box, so probably only a few dollars worth total, but the last set of cans was only $12 so we only got a small bag of food for the dog, I need to get her more in another week or so.......may have to switch her to something cheaper, but I don't want her to get an upset tummy or not get the right nutrients for a large breed puppy, so I will try and find ways to buy her food first.

So now I'm sitting here, my stomach is a ball of knots today, I think it's because college started today and I still don't have my books, or Rob's. On the plus side, Rob did get into his ASL class but wasn't able to get into English. So if he gets into the class online that he is waitlisted for, he will only be one credit shy of full time...guess he will have to sign up for gym or something?

We are gonna call the utility companies this afternoon and see what they can work with us on, and the credit card companies to see what happens with them to.

Rob's dad said he would try and find some work for him once he know's his school schedual. He also found out that he needs to absolve his company (he only keeps it for insurance for Rob) if he wants to get the second mortage on the house and pay his IRS debt. So he is really pushing for me to get a job that has good insurance........I hope I can find one!

alright I'm off to check the paper for any new job prospects, wish me luck!

Our vacation the last half!

2008-08-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

We had such a wonderful time in South Carolina!

On August 11th, Jenny kept the kids, and Rob and I took Gary's car and headed to Charelston for a morning of sight seeing. It was Amazing!!

1st. we went to the visitor's center and found out some of the "Must see's" in our alloted time frame. (the kids and Jenny and Gary were meeting us at 1:30pm for a ferry ride to Fort Sumter)

We first walked down Historic Meeting Street, where we stopped and had breakfast at a cute little dinner that was recommended by the lady at the visitor's center counter as a local favorite. Boy was it yummy!

After our breakfast we walked just a few blocks to the "Slave Market" (so named because it was donated land with the stipulation that a market be placed there, and that it be used for all people including freed slaves to sell goods.......meaning it "belonged" to the slaves, therefore "Slave Market") There were so many locals selling handmade goods, and the coolest thing was the african women and men that were making Sweet Grass Baskets, this is a skill that slaves brought with them, and the only two places you can get an authintic sweet grass basket are southern Africa, and Charelston S.C. I really wanted one but they aren't cheap! $80 for the small ones and $300+ for the bigger ones....but they are so intricate, and it really is an amazing skill!

An original Cobblestone street!

We walked through all of the shops, and I got a little handmade rose out of palmetto leaves (the tree on the state flag) from a little boy for $2. After that, we decided to take a horse drawn carriage tour of Charelston. It was a really neat way to get a feel for the town and see little glimpses of alot of things in a short time, as well as learn more about the history.

A Shot of Rainbow Row

Amazingly restorted million dollar homes!

A home that was in the proccess of being restored, isn't the acrhitecture amazing??

after our Carriage ride, we only had about an hour left, so we made a quick stop by the Proverst Exchange and dungeon, we saw some things but not nearly all of it!

On our way back to the car to meet the family, we stopped by the oldest graveyard in Charelston and walked through and looked at some of the gravestones dating back to the 1700's

there we older ones, but we couldn't get in to the area at the time.

First Baptist Church Est. 1682!

At 2 we met the kids and Jenny and Gary and took a 30min ferry ride to Fort Sumter (for those like me, who are history inept, Fort Sumter is where the first shots of the Civil War were shot to from just across the Harbor) The island and all the old history were really neat to look at and read about! Then we had another ferry ride back to Charelston.

Once back to Charelston we went to the Swap Fox resturant and had some really yummy southern food. Rob had an Oyster Po'Boy, and I had Shrimp and Grits in a lobster sauce, and we tried a Charelston original called She Crab soup which was to DIE for! (so good we got some to go and took it home with us!)

It was a wonderfully long day, and there is so much of Charelston that we didn't see and can't wait to go back and explore! what an amazing vacation!

It's payday........NOT!

2008-08-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was supposed to be payday.......supposed to be......

This payday's pay period was from the 4th of Aug- 15th of Aug. We were supposed to be back from S.C. on the 13th so Rob could work the 15th, 16th and 17th.......some how I thought that all of that would be on the check, but we ended up stuck because of the plane cancellation and didn't get back until the wee hours of the 16th. So payday came yesterday and we got a big fat NOTHING. Which means we have to wait another 14 days to see any pay from this week's work that Rob is doing, isn't that great? NOT!

We start school on Monday, sort of.....not sure how long we are going to be able to hold out without our books for class, hopefully at least a week or two untill our school money comes in and we can buy them?

I'm anal sometimes, so I decided to add up all of the money that we owe currnetly so that I would know how much we will need to make up, I'm figuring at this point its going to take me at least 6 months mabey 9 to get us back on track.......of course it could be longer since I somehow have to get a christmas present or two for the kids in Dec. I have to get or make costumes for October, Matthew turns 6 in November and Samantha turns 4 in Jan. so anyway the grand total for what we owe in current over due payments (utilities, credit cards, medical, ect...) and negative balances for the banks is: $2554.76

of course that doesn't include the gas we will need to get to and from schools, or Rob's doctors appointment, or refills on my perscriptions, or animal food, or additional late fees after the due dates in early september.... or any of the other regular expenses we will have, but hopefully Rob's check on the 5th of september will at least afford us the gas and meds and hopefully the van payment and insurance.

If Rob's dad continues to pay for the car payment for us and let's rob use his credit card for gas for the little blue car and I get a job that pays $8.oo an hour at 40hrs/per week I can pay our minimum vehical operation costs, grocceries, animal insurance and cell phones. If Rob can get enough money from odd jobs to cover the utilties for the winter then I can put $116 dollars a month toward our debt, meaning it will take us 22 months to get everything paid for. We will have to use our pell grant money for school books and to pay off the computer we bought for Rob a few months ago when he had a steady job, and with what is left I am going to try and pay for the kids birthday and christmas's. If we get a tax refund in Febuaryish time frame, then I will use it to register the vehicals and get all the tune ups done on both cars, plus I am sure the van will need new tires by then with all the use it is gettting, and mabey shave 8 months or so off of our get caught up plan? If Rob's dad can't pay the car payment for us past about 6 months or so then I will have to use the tax money to keep the car payed for.

Crap I just realized that I need to buy the kids winter coats and clothes, I will have to see what they have in there drawers that didn't fit them last year, mabey we can sneak buy with just a few things and some belts. Ok so its looking more like 24-28 months before I can say we are offically on our feet again. And then we will be starting the university for both of us! and only 2 years from finally having our degree's God willing!

Uhggggg.......money sucks! I hope the economy picks up in the next year or so!
I applied for 2 more jobs online yesterday, and I'm going to check the paper for new ones tomarrow after church. I contemplated not going to church on Sunday so that we don't use any gas in the van, but I think I need the refill of my faith....I'll talk to Rob when he gets home tonight and see what he wants to do. Mabey if we talk to the curch pastors they can offer some help with text books for one of us or something? I don't know......grasping at straws I guess......

I think God Hates me!

2008-08-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

I know I just had a wonderful vacation, and the kids have started school, but I just can't blog about all of that right now........another time mabey.

In other news: I don't know what I have done in this life or a past one, but the Creator of this universe and those who lead me must be eithier really pissed at me or just lacking all concern!

We got back from our S.C. trip, and found out that due to the drop in oil prices, my husband's services were "no longer needed" at the lease in oxnard. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!

AGAIN we are without employment, and here is the kicker....we don't qualify for state aid! two reasons, 1st. Rob is technically still "employed" by HDB so that his dad can HOPEFULLY find some contract work for him to do, and 2nd, we own ( and by own I mean pay for!) two "new" cars. So here I sit, "borrowing" internet wi-fi, waiting and praying that one of the 5 places I applyed at on tuesday, will call me for an interview......I found 3 more to apply for today after I pick up the kids and can go to my FIL's to print my resume.

So here's the scoop, I'm behind 2 months as of 9-1-08 on all my utilites, I'm in the hole $341 as of this morning at the bank, one car payment was due 3 days ago the other is due in 10 days along with the insurance for them. Rob gets a partial check tomarrow......praying that it covers the cars and gas!

My kids are both in school this week,(speaking of, how many parents do you think had to pay for thier kids book bag with $7 in dimes and a few quarters?, I wanted to just hide my face when I handed the teacher the baggie! but she didn't seem to notice!) so I have been driving to and from rosedale all week picking matthew up, and to top it all of, yesterday morning I noticed my gas tank cap was off of the van (Rob just went and filled me up with his dad's credit card the night before......now that card is maxed but at least we got some gas, THANKS DAD!) I get in the car and I have........ 1/2 of a tank! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? not only are we poorer than dirt, but someone syphoned our gas??????? FUCK!!!!!!!

School starts on Monday for Rob and I, we re-arranged his schedual so that he is in class Mon-Thur. from 7am-10:30am and can the go and pick up the kids, and I dropped all of my classes and picked up a few online so that i can get a job.

Oh and did I mention my cousin from Colorado is coming to visit us on Wed. the 27th until the 1st. of September? she already bought her plane tickets, and I don't even know how we are going to afford to go and pick her up from LAX let alone how I am going to feed her while she is here!

On an up note I'm loosing weight, trying to conserve our meat in the freezer so we are having "normal" portions every night instead of the ammount we would normally eat. Also eating lots of frozed veggies to fill me up while rob and the kids eat more pasta and veggies with each meal too, I guess being poor is forcing us to be healthy?

I think I can get our grocceries to last another 2 weeks or so, we might be living on spaghettie for a few days, but at least it will taste good! :)

My stomach hurts, I'm exhausted, I still need to give samantha's preschool her $5 desaster money....oh well it can wait..... I am going to go cash in our cans so I can buy the dog food tonight, that should last her a month at least.

Please Please Please, Let someone call me back about an interview!!! I have given myself until friday evening for a call back, and then I am headed to denny's and longs, and all the other minimum wage, crappy hours, part time jobs I can think of. Worst case scenario, I drop my classes compleatly for a while and get two part time jobs........need to leave the weekends open so Rob can do contract work when its avaliable, can't beat his $20 an hour if I tried!

Why does this happen to us? its become such a normal occurance that I can't even cry about it, I just feel hopeless, yet I know somehow we will make it, we always do....I don't have any tears left for these struggles we have had to many years of them....yet I don't know how much longer I can grit my teeth and put my nose to the grind stone, I don't know how much longer I can pull up on my boot straps, how many more times before they break? how many more times before I break? What other option is there? Shouldn't I just be happy we have a home, and food in the pantry and health insurance? yes I SHOULD, but somehow I'm not......mabey I'm selfish, mabey I expect to much, but I want MORE, I want to pay my utilities, I want to not owe my bank money, I want to be able to afford to have two cars in our family, I want my husband to be able to work so that I can volunteer in my kids class rooms, I want to go to school and get a degree so that I am worth more to the "world", I want to know that I can afford the books for my classes, I want to not have to leave my husband so that some government agiency will help pay for my college career or food for my family, I want someone to say....you are a family, and husband and wife with children who are trying so hard to make a better way for yourselves in the wake of trials and tribulations, in the wake of chronic illness, in the wake of disabilities, of hard times and low times.......you, BOTH of you, stuck it out, you didn't get divorced, you didn't loose your kids, you arn't drug addicted, or alcohoics, your just struggling, and we can help......I wish that someone could HELP, I wish that someone would see how hard we have tried, how much we want a better life, how much we NEED a chance to overcome our illnesses and bad luck....I wish Life would give us a CHANCE, just once.......let us keep a job, let us keep our health, let us better ourselves.......I don't want a hand out, I just want to be able to support my family and live a comfortable life in a nice home, i don't want anyone to GIVE me anything, I just want someone to help ME ACHIEVE, help Rob ACHIEVE a few of our DREAMS.

Why can't we catch a break? why is this life so hard? what is the lesson I am supposed to be learning? I know no one has the answers, and some would say trust in God, and everything happens for a reason....but right now I need some answers!

Every bone in my body wants to Run as fast as I can from this life, I want to give up and just not get out of bed, I want to leave this life behind and start again, I want a DO OVER.

and yet my brain says, be logical, before long you will have a job, and my heart reminds me that my babies need me, and that my husband loves me, and that leaving wouldn't fix it, giving up doesn't fix it........so I'm off to pick up my children, and smile at them and tell them I love them and make there lives wonderful because that is what they deserve and no matter how much Life tries to break me THEY will NEVER KNOW IT, thier life will be everything it has been, no matter what!

leaving on a jet plane

2008-08-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

well we made it to South Carolina on Wed. at 11am.....boy what a trip we had! We left for LAX at 5pm tuesday night, and finally got there and through security with our tickets at 8:30pm. We killed about 45min. bought some water and started a 5 hr plane ride to Maryland......red eye flights and small children is an interesting combination! we let the kids have a snack and do some coloring and then told them it was time for bed. Rob ended up with Samantha in his lap her feet laying across into her seat and him trying to sleep sitting up holding her. I ended up with matthew, we were in a two seat row, so I put the arm up inbetween us and used the outside isle arm rest for my back and streached my lets out toward the window so as not to be in the path of passangers going to the potty, and matthew layed ontop of me curled up. that lasted about 2 1/2 hrs. after which time I couldn't feel my lowerback or feet any more! we only had about 45 min to landing so I sat up and just held matthew untill we started our decent. We had a 4 hr layover in Baltimore, so we grabbed two HUGE COFFEE'S and a danish for the kids. I pulled out the granola bars, apple, and pretzles and peanut butter with grahmcrackers and we had a little makeshift breakfast. It was 6:30am local time and 3:30am in California! about 8am after touring our terminal and visiting two diffrent bathrooms as well as coloring and listening to music/playing solitare on the computer, we were all about wiped out. Rob and I sat back to back with our legs laying across the attched seats next to us, over the arm rest. We each took a kid, I got samantha this time........and the kids and daddy slept for about 1 1/2 hrs. at this point my back hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep. Once we got on the plane, we had 3 seats together and one way out of the way, so Rob let me have it since at this point it was 7am CA time and I had been up 24hrs minus my little nap. I got an 1 1/2 hr nap on the trip into Charlotte and I was SO greatful!!!

We had an uneventful and very happy trip to Jens house in sumter, she and I chatted the whole way while the rest of my family conked out!

So we are here, we are having lots of fun, and good food! tomarrow we leave for Myrtle Beach for the day Rob is very happy to be experiencing the east coast beach after a life on the west coast!

Oh BTW I went to a W.W meeting before I left and I had lost another 3.2 lbs!!!!!! so I'm down to alittle over 19lbs lost! whooo hooo. My goal for this week is just not to gain anything :)

Here are some pictures so far: # 1 the kids helping me pack before we left...LOL

#2 and #3 are my boys Travis and Riley, I'm so happy to see them!

#4 me and Jen hanging out on her back porch, I LOVE HER!!!!

its done!

2008-07-31T16:05:00.000-07:00

VBS is done for us! it was alot of fun, and I hope I get the opportunity to really be involved next year, hopefully with the church I actually attend (Laruel Glenn Bible Church~on ash) for all of you bakersfield readers.......

Matthew had a blast, and I amazingly didn't gain but 0.8 lbs this week, even tho its my monthly visitor week and I usually see a 2-4lb gain! I can't wait to see my numbers after vacation...I'm gonna try really hard to stay on task and still enjoy myself!

since tuesday, Rob has been keeping Samantha while matthew and I go to VBS, so today when they came to get matthew so I could go to my WW meeting, Samantha wanted to come with me. Of course this is the day I had Planned to go and get my nails done and have some mommy time! BUT she was so cute I just couldn't resist! we went to my meeting, and then grabbed a quick bite to eat. While Rob took Matthew and they went home to play Halo 3, Samantha and I went and got our nails done........she was so cute sitting and letting the lady paint her nails the bright pink color that she picked! they even gave her a little daisy flower on her ring fingers :) she is so proud of her "pretty nails!" it was fun to have a little mommy daughter time too......I guess I'll catch my mommy time later!

tomarrow we head to the L.A. zoo with the inlaws, I'm sure I will have lots of pictures when we get home!

I'm old!

2008-07-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

So we just finished day 3 of VBS and can I say one thing??
I FEEL OLD!
I woke up this morning with a stiff neck, by the end of the day I couldn't turn it anymore!
I came home today and took a 3 hr. nap!!
dancing like a fool and keeping 80+ kids hyped up and happy is a seriously demanding job!!
but it is sooo rewarding and fun to see all the smiles!
today was a bit stressful, but once everyone talked out thier issues (all adults....uhgg drama!) then it got better!
looking forward to tomarrow, last day for me, then its off to the zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

enlightenment for the day

2008-07-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

Matthew: When is Samantha's Birthday gonna be?

Me: Not for a few months, why? (her's is Jan. his is Nov.!)

Matthew: Because I want our birthdays to happen quickly!

Me: oh yeah? and why is that?

Matthew: Because, Birthdays are THE BEST!!!!!

Me: Birthday's are THE BEST!

I love my son, and the little happy moments he reminds me of all the time!

VBS Day one!

2008-07-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

The kids sure had fun at VBS!

I got stuck kinda rescuing my friend who was supposed to be the "leader"

needless to say I am exhausted! I spent 4 hrs running around, taking pictures, figuring out the sound booth, and wrangeling almost 100 kids! Not to forget leading the movements for half of the songs, and givving direction and encouragement to the Highschool volunteers who were a little stressed! Then I came Home with my friends girls and thier friend while she went and looked at the reception hall for her wedding, 5 hyped up hungry kids-ages 3-8, and one tried hungry grownup = BAD NEWS!!!!!! No it wasn't to bad, we had lunch and made thankyou cards for the station leaders since todays lesson was "Jesus Gives us the Power to be Thankful"

Here is matthew being put in a bubble for part of the games today!

Matthew falling on his butt on a tarp covered in soapy water playing "steal the bacon"

Colby Dancing "There's POWER in the blood of the lamb!" too cute!

I've got the dishes done, and the kids are watching a movie.....just a few more hours and my hunny will be home again! yippeee!!!!!

* I went to check on my kiddos in the middle of this blog, and remeber how they were watching a movie? well this is what I found: The movie is over and.................. now I'm off to wake me up some cranky kiddos! we've got a 6:30 am start again tomarrow, gotta go to bed early!

bunco and bathtime fun!

2008-07-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty rushed day........I just couldn't seem to get my feet under me and continue at a steady pace!

This morning I made snickerdoodle cookies while the kids watched Toy Story, and I messed around on the computer.

This afternoon I read a blog about a friend of mine with young kids who needed some help, so the kids and I packed up everything that I had in my pantry and freezer that was backstocked and brought some goodies over to her. Matthew was cute, he asked if we were having a BBQ over there since we were loading up all the food?
I told him No that it was for our friends, of course he asked why.........it was the perfect opportunity to explain to him that sometimes our friends need our help, and so we do what we can to help them! I hope that he may never know about any of our financial struggles as he grows, but if he does figure out that things were tough, I hope that the lessons we teach him about being giving and caring people to our fellow friends and neighbors are what he remembers the most.
My favorite part of the whole thing, is when we went to the door, and when my friend opened it, he piped up with "We brought grocceries!" and held up his little bag that he carried.......he was so happy and carefree as he ran off to play with my friends little boy! children are so innocent and and untarnished by the selfish acts of the world, it inspires me every day!

speaking of innocent children, tonight was the bunco fundraiser for little Presley for the JDRF walk....I am so glad that I got to go (Thanks to Katies Husband David agian!!) visit with friends, make some new ones, and learn to play bunco! but most of all I'm glad that all of the ladies that made it were there for all of the Presley's in our world, I pray that we might find a cure in her little lifetime, and am very proud to have been a part of supporting that cure, a big thankyou to all of the ladies who made it out tonight, and anyone who has donated to Presleys team (Presley's Blue Suede Shoe Crew).......I know it means alot to them!

and now for the nightime tales of some not so innocent children, my own!!!!!
I came home this evening and promtly put my two little munchkins in the shower to get them all squeeky clean for church tomarrow. My exact instuructions were " get in, get wet, use one ONLY ONE pump of soap and clean your whole body and I will be back in a second to help with your hair" I left to grab towels and ended up talking to daddy on the cell phone for about 10-15 min. This is usually not a big deal, I leave the door open and the kids are normally very good about washing, taking turns and playing for a bit in the water untill I get back It's one of my PERKS of having older children that I truely enjoy :)
When I got off the phone with thier daddy, I walked back toward the bathroom in time to see a big blue leggo go flying out of the shower and into the hallway "WHAT THE HE........" my sentence was stoped short, as was I when I got to the door of the bathroom....... there covered in about 1/4 -1/2 an inch of water was my bathroom floor littered with leggos, an old camara, some little people plastic things, and did I mention water? and staring back at me with that deer in the headlights look were two very naked little children holding a soaking, sopping wet stuffed animal in each of thier hands!
As soon as they saw me, they started to chuck stuff out of the bathtub and onto the floor, I think they were hoping if it wasn't in the shower by the time I took my last two steps mabey there was a chance they could still get out alive??
"STOP!" "Put it all back in the shower!"
I didn't say a word as I washed thier hair amidst cries of "are you mad at us?" and "mommy we are sorry!"
I got them both out of the tub and dried off and sent to get ready for bed. when everyone was dressed we had a littel "chat" about what the hell they thought they were doing, and the possability that the stuffed animals they had soaked might have to be thrown away (mind you two of these animals were ones my son sleeps with, one of them was Bunny from the Aspergers post!)
Of course that kicked of the whining and tears and crys about "loving bunny" which I countered with lessons about "caring for, and making good choices about the things that we love"
after all was said and done I tucked my kids in bed and now I have a stuffed animal drying camp on my couch, and a newly mopped bathroom floor...........KIDS!

I'm off to go to bed and get ready for church and class tomarrow, I'm teaching alone and watching kids in the evening, which has led to some frustrations, but that is another post for another night!

VBS, bunco and good friends

2008-07-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

well today started out good, the kids and I went to Kern Christian Center to help decorate for VBS since they will be going there next week. it was fun if a little unorganized and chaoctic.

I brought the kids home and we actually got the house cleaned up! of course as soon as we were done, the power went out! we were without power from about 3 till about 7:30 or so this evening........we spent it at my inlaws house in rosedale, where they had power! and an added plus.......they took us out to dinner!

I got about a quarter of my ravioli's made today, I hope to finish the rest tomarrow!

I have to mention that I have the coolest friend, who has the BEST husband! my friend Katie, who is doing the JDF bunco game tomarrow-- wrangled -- I mean "asked" her husband if he would be willing to watch my kiddos so I could go to her fundraiser, and ya know what? he said YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! David rocks!!!! I am soooo excited to be getting out without my kiddos for some adult time, and knowing that they are in capable hands makes it all the better! I'm making snickerdoodles for the party, and I am praying for an awsome turnout for Presley!!!

thats all folks!
have a good one!

Money, swiming, and more

2008-07-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that we will NEVER have enough money! My hubby just and I mean like 6 hrs ago JUST!! got paid and you know what? after half, let me say that again HALF of our bills getting paid plus grocceries, plus registering the van, we are down to a whopping $100 to last the next 14 days that translates to about $7 a day......blah! they turned off our cable today, can't afford to pay it right now.....summer has kicked our ass, we lost half of our MGIB money for school for the summer and just haven't been able to make up for the $500 loss each month.......oh well I guess the last post about the kids having to much T.V. was solved by a higher power.........the power of BRIGHTHOUSE! LOL..........next pay day we should acutally get to see the rewards of all the extra work that Rob has been doing.....whoo hoo! just gotta make it till the 8th!

The water park was a blast, matthew was having so much fun swiming around and playing in the spray water! and samantha took a bit of coaxing, but she eventually had fun too, they want to go back soon, mabey that is something we will do this week, its only $10 for a group of 4-6 so if the kids and I go we can bring another friend with 2 kids and split it for only $5 a family, anyone up for it? the don't open till 12:30 and are open till 5pm.......I think I may try for the free movies on tues or wed, or mabey the library for a story?

I never did manage to make the ravioli's for dinner, so that is on the agenda for tomarrow since the dough and filling is in the fridge. I guess the kids will help me too, since they can't watch Sprout!

tomarrow morning we go to help decorate the church that a friend goes to for VBS nest week, I'm not overly excited, but at least it is something to do!

My honey leaves tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn, well actually before dawn at 3:30am he's gone again untill monday night.........my mantra: "It WILL be worth it, It WILL be worth it!"
hopefully I don't kill my kids, I think my "aunt flo" is coming to town any time now.....Lucky kids!!! LOL NOT!

Oh I am also gonna be doing a dice cake for a very good friend of mine and her JDRF fundraising for Sat. unfortunatly I won't be going to the fundraiser.......damn work, damn kids, damn responsiablities!!!!

Oh I almost forgot to mention, I went to my weightwatchers meeting today, I was down 3.4 lbs which takes my weightloss to a grand total of 17.2 at week 13! all the more reason to get that bike (Katie, that's a yes for the bike!, just let me get the $$$ together) BTW I will be getting a new pool from another friend when I get back from vacation in mid August, so as soon as we get it I will be selling mine.....its a vinal pool with pump 16ft x46" circular I have shocker and chlorien tablets for it still and we have only had it up for about a month! It's even got a one year warranty on it that i paid for, (I would be more than happy to help if you needed to use it)
we paid a total of $300 + for it all, and I am willing to sell it for $200 OBO, let me know if your interested.........again, it won't be ready to go until mid august, but its easy to store, I'll even throw in the HUGE tarp I bought to go under it!

Ok I'm off to have a captin and sodie and enjoy my last few hours with my hubby before I enter single momdom for the next few days!

life today

2008-07-23T22:46:00.003-07:00

its a short one tonight, had such a laid back day, it was nice!
I took the dog to the dog park for about an hr. tonight and she got to play, and I got some much needed mommy alone time while the kids got some much needed daddy alone time!

found out about a really cool thing for all my bakersfield friends its called: abundantharvestorganic.com its a local thing that you can get fresh organic produce that is locally grown and in season for really cheap! you pay the monday in advance and get your stuff on sat. morning. I think we are going to give it a try after payday, I'll let you know how it goes!

In weightloss news: I'm not doing so great! I don't think I've lost much more than a pound this week, after a gain last week, I think I am at a platteu, so I am looking into buying a recumbant exercise bike from walmart........I'm a tad discouraged, but I also recognize that life has been a bit off kilter lately, and so I am not beating myself up to bad, next week is a new week!

going to the water park tomarrow, should be fun!

My Hubby is home, and my kids watch to much t.v.!

2008-07-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

1st and foremost, my Hunny is HOME! I slept about 15 hrs since last nigth, and I feel so much better!! we have had a great day just hanging out at home and going out to eat :)

On to my newest battlew.........the TV, its such a curse and a blessing all rolled into one, My Son in his smart little way has learned not only how to turn ON the tv but he can find programs on the guide and the saved list, as well as set programs he wants to record........little shit is to smart for his own good!
The kids new favorite channel is PBS sprout program (516 for those with brighthouse) its a neat little channel with educational and very family friendly programs, so Ican't complain to much.
I have noticed tho with the heat, and lack of funds, we have been spending alot of time infront of the tube........and my kids behavior is changing for it......time to put the breaks on I guess!

Matthew gets so spazed out and hyper when he watches to much t.v. and I am noticing his ability to pay attention to directions, as well as make appropriate decisions about simple rules is becoming less, i feel horriable! but at the same time, he really loves his programs that he watches and acutally learns from them........just today he was telling me about the Eye Eye animal that has a big middle finger and taps the trees for bugs then bites thru the bark and uses its long finger to get the bugs out.........he said he learned it on Za Boomafoo......
It doesn't seem to be affecting Samantha to much, she is just not napping since we aren't really doing anything taxing.

Tomarrow's goal is to clean the house, and get the kids to work on thier rooms.......Matthew has been wanting ravioli's homemade, mabey we will get out the pasta press and make some for dinner!

its Monday, where's the coffee?!?

2008-07-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Monday, Monday ba, da, dat, da, da.........for some reason I have that song stuck in my head now!

I would think being a stay at home mom, Monday's wouldn't be any diffrent than Sunday or Tuesday, but they are!

Today started just like yesterday.........exhausted!

Last night in a desperate attempt to sleep, I put both kids in bed with me at 8:30pm with the dogs and locked up the house. an hour and 1/2 later the t.v. goes off, the kids are almost blissfully asleep and.............dun, dun duh......the dogs both want to go out!

Oh well I was still awake anyhow! climb out of bed, go unlock the door and shoo them outside.....and head to the couch to read my book for a bit, praying I will get tired again soon, I want to sleep so badly!

12:30am a friend calls needing to talk, the same "friend" from my previous post. When I finally was able to shuffle back to bed ( at 2:30am) I found my bed was full: Matthew on one side samantha on the other, and both Bella and George on the bottom of the bed. I remember mumbling something which basically translated to "screw it!" LOL. I moved Samantha over crawled onto my little patch of the king size mattress and drifted to a deep and final sleep!!!!

7:57am I could swear that I hear my phone ringing...."not even opening my eyes!" I thought, andI turned over.

8:23 am I awake to "mommy, mommy, mommy.......",

a sliver of light peeks thru my eyelid as I whisper "shhhh, don't wake up your sister!"

"uhg, too late!"

my eyes feel like sand paper was stuck under them while I slept.......

I got us all up checked out the phone, called back Jenny, who it turns out just misses me (a big DITTO on that one!) and I drank two VERY LARGE cups of VERY STRONG coffee.

I remembered at 11am that bella had a vet appt. at 2, which was the perfect excuse to get an early dinner at the drive-thru ;)

remeber that storm I said HAD to be brewing with the kids? well apparently I need to go into behavior forcasting! so far today my kids have:

clawed at eachother (leaving nice red marks), pinched, and screamed at eachother.....oh and lets not forget the black and blue dry erase marks that the drew up each arm, or the green colored pencil that found its way on my bed sheet....that's ok though, now the bed sheet and the pool match! LOL

did you know that in just over 48 hrs a 16 ft x 46in circular vinalpool can grow enough allgie to cover the ENTIRE bottom of the pool? I found that out today...... so tomarrow we are off to the pool store to get the chemicals to "fix" it!

just about 3 hrs and I will have my hubby home! I have grand plans of a sleeping pill and 8 hrs of sleep........ahhh sleep.........damn I'm tired!

Sunday's brain dump

2008-07-20T17:46:00.000-07:00

So I've decided rather than try to write eleoquent posts, that are flowing and funny and all that jaz, I am just gonna brain dump, if it comes out commical or interesting great, if not......well just consider it your own little window into my brain ( its scary in here I know!)

I am so tired and I ache.
I haven't gone to bed before 3 am in I don't know how long now, and I am sleeping like crap.
No real reason I can think of, but damn am I tired!

we went to chruch today, or I guess I should say sunday school since I couldn't drag my tired ass out of bed to make it to service, I just went and taught class. part of me is irritated, as I feel I have deprived myself of that "alone time" that I get the the pew for an hour, its the one time a week that I don't have to worry about the kids, the house, the bills, the dog, the husband, school, the laundry, the doctors, the cats, the dishes........well you get the point......its the one time a week that I can just be me, and refill me.....not mommy, not wifey, but Megan. I spent alot of time seperate from the Spirit as of late, and I have recently been trying to reconnect, it feels good. Of course I still struggle with most of the "foundations" and "rules" of organized religion, but luckly no one seems to notice!
another gripe from my friend from the last post related to religion: Hypocrites! I mean come on people, you can't say "dont do, don't do.....but you can do??? and then turn around on monday and do as you please, or hide who you are. What kind of "God" is that? I have morals, I have beliefes and I have values......I believe the Spirit is LOVE and CREATION nothing more, nothing less. I live by my beliefes and I am at peace with them 100% and I just hate being around people who have to pretend like they arn't doing something because it is what is in "The word" Like my friend she is 27 he is 32 she has two kids, and as far as his family is concerned they have never had SEX!(because "the word" says you shouldn't do that before your married) LMFAO yeah RIGHT!!! because "God" so has nothing else more important to do but worry about if your a 30 year old adult having sex with someone you love and respect who love and respects you? Give me a BREAK! I dispise Hypocrites!

My children have been exceptionally good this long weekend with daddy gone, I am feeling blessed and aprehensive for the storm I know HAS TO BE brewing! Lately I've been scanning the classifieds for a part time job, while at the same time I question if I really should or want to get one? It's all so complicated!

another problem this week is I'm bored outta my mind! I need friends! I'm not one to spend alot of time by myself, but with Rob schedale this week being gone for long weekends, I have been just kinda hanging out at home......all of my friends have hubby's who work week days, or they work too, and it bites!

I'm lonely.......

I need a house keeper! I am bored, but that doesn't seems to increase my want to acutally clean my house LOL I just wanna go have fun I guess! :0)
even tho I don't want to, I really should go and fold some laundry and see what my now quiet kids are up to......

28 more hours and my hubby is home and I can take a damn sleeping pill!!!!
damn I'm tired!

Is it worth it? I think so!

2008-07-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have a "friend" who called me today upset about something rather trivial to do with her boyfriend(he somkes, and she doesn't like it). I tried to reason with her, and give her advice and all she could say was "I am trying, but its really getting on my nerves, its almost a deal breaker!" all of this after just yesterday she is talking about them being married in a matter of months!

By the time we got off the phone I was irritated at her ignorance, and lack of empathy, and it occured to me she has never had to support someone or walk a path of dificulty with anyone as a partner ever! her solution seems to be, if it doesn't benifit me, if it isn't the way I like it eithier it changes or I leave it. And she is lucky enough to have family to carry her through.

That got me to thinking, about my marriage, and my life and I realized that I used to be just that way about 10 years ago. I think there comes a time in a relationship or in life where you find yourself down and out, hopeless, whatever it may be.......and NO ONE can pick you up and save you from your troubles, and if you are lucky enough to have a partner you can lean on, you do, and if your partner needs you to pull them through the fire....YOU DO IT its not about how hard it is, its not about the hopelessness, its about your life or that person being worth it, no matter what!

I guess what it boils down to is: I've commited to something bigger than me, my family! and Nothing will ever make me give up, ever!

What do you think? have you become a diffrent person? are you less selfish? have you ever questioned if you had what it takes left in you? I know I have!

ramble, ramble.......

2008-07-19T02:28:00.000-07:00

I was so happy last week to have such a good loss after a past week of loss!!
I went back for my meeting this week and wouldn't ya know I gained 2.6lbs!
and I am way retaining water..........ick! I think most of it is PMS, so I'm shooting for a big loss next week. Need to add in some exercise this weekend although its kinda rough with Rob gone till Monday night.

Speaking of Rob, I hate it when he's gone for days at a time! but its good, we need the money......... 2 weeks until we fly to see Jenny in S.C. I am so excited!!

I downloaded the requirements for Kindergarten graduation off of the CA BOE site today, so I can start working with matthew and samantha for the next few weeks.....I think I have school fever! I am not looking forward to the craziness, but I am excited to have our routine back and something to fill my days and nights besides Myspace and dishes!

Clean laundry on the bed is calling to be folded, and then I suppose I should go to bed since it is already 2:30am.....I never sleep much when Rob is gone! ick!

weight loss and rambelings

2008-07-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

lost more weight last week! 3.6 lbs
that's a total of 16.6 lbs lost in 11 weeks!

I'm loving summer and can't wait to go and see Jen and the guys in 2 weeks!
Alothough I am anxious for school to start again to, I just want to get done and move forward with our lives!
I signed up for another accounting class, bringing my total units up to 15 for this semester, which is 3 units above full time again.....it might just make me crazy, but at least I got the summer off with the kids!
I'll have to come back and blog about our summer activities soon, for now I'm off to nap while the kids do!

progress

2008-07-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

went to my meeting on thursday, I managed to loose 2.6 lbs so I'm back down to a 13lb loss! I'm working hard this week to stay within points, its easier without company! I even managed to do extreamly well yesterday with the holiday!

The new Love of my diet life: The Hungry Girl Cook Book
totally awsome recipies!
oh and the new Lay's Light potato chips and chedder chips, fat free and half the calories per serving (that's a points value of 1 per serving!!!) they ROCK!

untill next week

arrrrggggg

2008-06-26T13:42:00.001-07:00

went to my meeting today, Last week I lost 4.4 lbs.......and this week I gained 3.4 lbs......what kind of crap is that???????
uhg looks like I won't be making my 10 lb goal by the 5th

I'm so frustrated with myself! I can't seem to get out of the 10 lb loss range! so I'm steping it up a notch......no more weekly points allowances, and I'm walking at least 45min 3 days a week even if I have to do it around my yard with the kids playing
I WILL lose this weight!

the battel with Aspergers

2008-06-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think we are doing good, great actually....Matthew has his rough times, his troubles, but overall, most people wouldn't guess he has aspergers, at least not untill they get to know him.
Then a night like tonight comes, and this ugly thing that has ahold of my son rears its ugly head, and i want to put my head in my hands and cry.
Tonight just before bed, matthew informs me that he wet the bed today and we need to change his sheets, so I grabed one of the extra sets, and procceeded to change it. Only I couldn't get the corner against the wall to hold the matteress, so I told him I would just spread it out on his bed and daddy would fix it tomarrow when he got home. I went to sing to his sister.
I come back in and he is so upset that he can't take a whole breath and his eyes are blotchy.
I'm frustrated its already 9pm and we have been fighting to go pee and get in bed in the first place, and need to get up early for showers before church.
so my response was none to nice it went something like: what the hell are you freaking out about!?
he tells me through tears that he doesn't want to sleep on plastic (his bed is covered incase of accidents), and I tell him that he can just sleep on the side where the sheet is....my patience is dwindeling and I am assuming this is simply another stalling tactic........
Matthew is all in an uproar when he says: What about bunny?(and he holds up the stuffed bunny he sleeps with)
My patience is gone now! "I don't give a crap about the bunny matthew, you need to go to sleep and daddy will fix your bed tomarrow, I'm tired, I did the best I could now just lay down and put bunny next to you and go to sleep!"

and then I see a glimmer of what has him in an uproar, its not simply stalling (which he was eagerly doing earlier!) his little quivering voice says " but bunny likes to sleep in the crack next to the wall and I always sleep on that side (he points towards the wall) and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" uhgggg, there it is, the aspergers peaking its ugly face out into our lives again, and now mommy feels like a compleat monster........he wasn't just being difficult, I had taken away his routine, his normalacy, and he was truely LOST and didn't know WHAT TO DO with the change in his bed and the place that his bunny slept every night! and all I did was get frustrated at him and scream at him and not even think that mabey he was out of his control, I hate myself when that happens!

I know I'm not perfect, I know that I'm a mom and I know that 90% of the time matthew is a typical boy, he stalls at bedtime, he trys to get away with things, all the normal little boy things, but that 10% is sooo hard!

I was going to make an appointment with the physcologist for the daily accidents he was having, but he seems to be doing better, but now I am thinking I need in anyway, if for nothing other than to talk about my frustrations as a parent and mabey find a support group!

I spent a few minuets with matthew, calming him down and hugging him, and we moved his sheet, he is sleeping peacfully, and my guilt is subsiding......tomarrow is a new day, we are both learning about all of this and niethier of us has it all figured out, I am lucky he is my son, and he loves me, because with that love, we can overcome anything!

my new tattoo

2008-06-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

my little sister is here for a visit, and we decided it was about time we went and got a sister tatto.......soooo Here it is!

and an upclose of mine:

emotional

2008-06-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I am an emotional wreck. My best friend in the whole entire world has been sick for about the past month, and her inital diagnosis was an ovarian cyst. Yesterday she called to tell me that she had seen the GYN and he had given her two options, she has cancer, that has possiably spread to her intestines, or something is wrong with her intestines and she will need to go to a G.I. for more testing.

When I got her call, I was numb, my heart was in my throat, I didn't know what to say.....I stuck to the logical questions, when was her surgery? how was she doing? how was gary? and did she need me to come out there? after alittle bit of chatting and deciding that I should wait until after the sugery to find out what was going on before I came out, I was able to choke out a "keep you chin up, and I love you" before we hung up.

I've had one good cry since our conversation, and I feel a little less overwhelmed about it all, but all of this has raised so many questions about my life and her life, and friendship and families......I just don't know what to do with it all!

I can't help but let my mind wander, I think, what would happen if it was me? could I be strong? how would my family survive without me? all of the things I would miss? would my kids be ok? what about my husband?

and then I wander to Jenny, and if she has cancer, I know I can be there for her and help her fight this, but if she looses that fight, I can only pray that I am able to be strong enough to not have her, and help her children and her husband.........of course then my brain says, NO SHE WILL BE FINE, SHE IS NOT LEAVING ANYONE! but the thought is still there and I just can't shake the dread of not having my other half in my life to laugh with and raise our children together, and be old ladies playing cards while our grandkids run around our homes........

she is such an amazing person, and she doesn't deserve to be facing this, I only wish that I was closer to hold her hand and give her a hug!

please pray that everything is fine, we have to believe that, with all of our hearts and souls, there is just no other option!

frame of mind?

2008-06-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

over the last two weeks, my husband worked ALOT, his check this friday was for 104 hrs, in 2 weeks! I was so proud of him for pushing thru the summer break and getting us a little extra money, and so proud of the kids and I for making it thru without having daddy home. I had such wonderful plans for all our "extra money" a little savings for our trip in august, some money for Rob to get his tatto that he has been waiting for 3 years to get, and paying off one of the credit cards, I couldn't wait to put all that hard work to use!

So friday came and the check was in the bank, no sooner do I see the balance of our account, my excitement is stomped on........the neon, the one Rob drives to oxnard everyweekend has 4 bald tires, we need new ones before Rob has an accident on the drive to or from work.

Alright, so that is only gonna be half the extra right? NOT apparently tires for a Neon are crazy, we went to discount tires, and they got us the cheapest tires for the car $440 for all four.

I spent a good 3 hours absolutly pissed, feeling like we never get to ENJOY what we all work so hard for, and mourning all my wonderful plans.

I'm sitting in the car waiting for Rob to pay the bill so I can follow him home, and out of no where I feel like I am hit by a MAC- TRUCK, all of the sudden, this overwhelming sense comes over me........BE THANKFUL!

so I tried it, I think a higher power (call it God or whatever you like) was with me.....I realized that I should be thankful that we had been given the opportunity to have that extra money to replace our tires without causing us financial difficulty, I should have been thankful that my husband hadn't been hurt by a blowout while we pushed our tires until that extra money came in, I needed to be THANKFUL for the little things!

so I have made a resolve in myself with my Spirit, and my soul, with my Guides and my Angel's.....I will remeber to be thankful for the things that I am given and remember that life is hard, but somehow we are always provided what we need when we need it..........
Even when life doesn't go MY way, I need to remeber that it IS going the RIGHT way!

It's inspiring to see what a little change in the frame of mind can do, give it a try, I think you will be amazed!

all in the day of Matthew!

2008-06-08T21:36:00.001-07:00

what a day my son has had!

today started out with church in the morning, which he wasn't to excited about to begin with......after classes, we were invited to a suprise birthday party for the pastor of the deaf church, so we went and had yummy lunch.
While I was chatting/signing with people my son introduced himself a few times, and one of the gentelman gave my son his name sign. Getting a name sign from the deaf community is a great honor, not only is it easier to speak to others once they know your sign (you don't have to spell it each time!) but it is also a way that the Deaf Community shows that you are accepted and "a part" of thier community it was an exciting moment!
Apparently while I was in the bathroom with Samantha, Matthew had a spoken conversation with Jeff Jackson, the Deaf Pastor of the Deaf Church.........you see JJ was born during a time when Sign Language wasn't allowed to be used, and he spent all of his young life being forced to vocalize and learn how to read lips to communicate with people, it wasn't untill his HS or College years that JJ learned and began to use ASL. Because of this he speaks very clearly and well, and he reads lips extreamlty well. Matthew also had a little bit of a conversation with JJ's wife, who doesn't speak as clearly, but has some speech. We finally said our goodbyes and left the church at 4pm!
When we got home the dog was stir crazy, so the kids and I decided to pack a dinner and go to the softball game that members of the deaf church were playing in at the park, and take Bella with us. The game started at 5:10! We watched the first game and I chatted with JJ's wife while the kids played in the grass, of course the grass had red ants in it and of course matthew got bit!
after a trip to the bathroom to wash his hands the crisis had been averted. Fast forward to the end of the game, JJ is standing in front of the bleachers signing about the game's outcome and the next weeks practices and game, and my son's head pops up next to me on the bench and he very loudly exclaims "HI JEFF!!!" its all I can do not to laugh, as I bend over and tell my son that Jeff can't hear him. His little head tilts and a wave of confusion settles over him "what?, he can't hear me?"
"no son, he is deaf" I explain again trying not to laugh at the thought of my son screaming hello to the Deaf Pastor
"but at church he talked to me and I talked to him?" he says with a question in his voice
I then explain that JJ can look at matthews lips and understand him and that he is able to talk as well. "OHHHH!" looking behind us at JJ's wife matthew exclaims "she know's signlanguage, but she isn't deaf" Again I inform him that no she can't hear him, she is indeed deaf. Another look of confusion sets in, but this time it is followed by instant exceptance of the situation. I'm so proud of my multi-cultural, almost bilingual 5 year old!

Fast forward again, we are home for the night and Matthew is in the bathroom and out of toilet paper, his sister brings him some for me while I let the dogs out. I am walking back to the bathroom to check on them and I hear samantha say "you don't have to wipe when you pee, you have a penis" and matthew replies " yeah, and you have a chinese" "yep, I have a chinese" my daughter says. Of course I had to walk in and inquire as to what exactly "a chinese" was? to this samantha promptly points and her vagina and says "chinese!"
"that is not your chinese, that is your vagina" **giggle**
matthew pipes up "But mom you said it was a VaCHINA"
OMG I almost have tears! "no son, not China, VaGina, GGG!"
"OHHHHH!" again with the amazement!

Fast forward 20 min after bed, I go back to check on Matthew and he asks "mom, does God have a refridgerator?"
now its mom's turn to be confused "I don't think God needs a refidgerator, why?"
"well, to put our pictures on!" (duh mom!)
Me-"sure son, God has a fridge for our pictures I suppose, now go to sleep I'll see you in the morning"
"alright, I love you.......I'm sure God has to keep his food cold and stuff"
Me-"I'm sure he does! sleep good, I love you too"

Ahhh a day in the life of a 5 year old boy..........signlanguage, ant bites, china, and refridgerators in heaven...........need I say more?

I love my son!

sheading slowly

2008-06-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

went for another weigh in and I am down 0.8 lbs, not as great as I would have liked but at least its something!
11 lbs lighter!! whoo hooo!
I am aiming for a 10 lb loss by july 5th, wish me luck!

weight loss

2008-05-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

went to another meeting and weighed in today
another 1.2 lbs gone!!
that's a total of 10.2 lbs in 5 weeks, I can handel that!!!

summer time fun!!!???

2008-05-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

I was looking online today for some fun summertime toys and activities for the kids and I since I will be home with them and even daddy will be home by the afternoon on the week days, and in my scavaging around the NET, I found some really cool educational toys to! I went ahead and bought some neat bingo cards, one is bingo using sight words for matthew and one is bingo using abc's for samantha and they were only $8 each :) here I am thinking we are going to be spending alot of time at the spray parks this year, and the free movies at the MP with some friends.

I want to make sure we keep up with school to, so I am going to be doing some online search for kindergarten and preschool activities that I can print and do with the kids so they don't loose all of what they learned this year! hope everyone has a busy and eventful summer :) HAPPY PLAYING :)

glitter glue

2008-05-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I spotted some silver glittery glue on samantha's upper arm, the same glue that I had told them earlier in the day to leave alone!
the conversation went something like this:

Mom-Samantha, did you get into the glittery glue?

Samantha-no!

Mom- what is that on your arm?

Samantha- glitter glue......sheepish grin :)

Mom- the same glue you DIDN'T get into?

Samantha- Uh-huh!

Mom- stifeling a laugh.........go wash your arm and stay out of the glue

Samantha- Ok!

I was laughing so hard I almost wet myself.......that girl needs to learn how to plead the 5th!

more weight gone!

2008-05-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

went to another weight watchers meeting.......I lost another 4.2 lbs, that is a total of 9 pounds in the last 4 weeks! at this rate I will reach my goal in about 11 months......that is crazy fast!
I am still giving myself the 2 years, but I'll take faster too :)

new chruch, new fun!

2008-05-17T12:43:00.001-07:00

we have recently started attending Laurelglen Bible Church or LBC, and so far I really enjoy the people, its a big church which is odd for us, but it has alot of smaller groups that meet, my only real complaint is the preacher, he is old and BORING! I know I'm going to hell.....I'll save you a seat! LOL any way, along with going to church I have been taking my ASL class this past semster, and it just so happens that my teacher attends LBC and teaches the CODA class for the deaf church on sundays too, CODA or children of Deaf Adults, is the sunday school classes for the children who's parents are attending deaf church. after talking to her I found out that they needed some help with the little kids class, so a friend of mine and I are going to volunteer to teach the class over the summer, and off and on during the year as they need us. it won't be ALOT of signing since almost all the kids can hear and speak, but it will keep us involved with the Deaf community so we don't lose our signing, and it'll be fun! tomarrow is our meeting with Laurie, the current teacher, and Jeff, the deaf pastor for the curch, I'm excited!

why is it???

2008-05-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

why is it that i always get sick when rob has to work? I started yesterday crapping my brains out, and an up set tummy and this morning I have horriable stomach pains, and of course my husband is working all weekend on the coast! How is it I always seem to be sick when he is not able to be home? oh and why is it that Mom's still have to work when we are sick, and dad's get to call in sick and go to bed?? that just sucks! well I'm hoping that its just a 48 hr deal and I'll feel better by tomarrow because I am supposed to go to a meeting at church!

Mothers day

2008-05-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

I had a nice mothersday! Rob was supposed to work all weekend but he found someone to cover for him so that he could be home with the kids and I, such a sweetie! Sunday morning he let me sleep in and got up with the kids and made breakfast for us all, then we had to rush to get to church, but I was thankful for the sleep! after church we went and got Boba Drinks from a little resturant that is over by Home Depot on Ming.......totally weird the first time I had one, but now I am hooked on the Ube flavor and hubby and son like the mango and strawberry

After our little treat, we all headed to the inlaws and met with Kristina that the girls and we all had a yummy ham and potatosalad lunch. Then we all settled in to watch Ice Age, and I took a nap! after we left the inlaws the hubby took us to Sorella's a local itallian resturant that we just LOVE and we had yummy food that ALMOST killed my diet! I have no weekly allowance points at all this week!! but it was worth it!

Then we got to come home and just veg out for the night until bed time, it was a nice stress free day!

Hope you all had a wonderful Mothers Day

the age of technology

2008-05-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at the computer this morning and the kids decided to join me, ahh the age of technolgy, even my 3 year old has a "computer" LOL.........notice the large stack of library books in the front right corner???????? who needs books, we have the internet.....hehehehe

how its going

2008-05-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

I went to my 3rd weight watchers meeting this afternoon.......in 2 weeks I have lost 4.6 lbs.
so far I love the flex plan and it is so easy to follow and I am hardley ever hungry, and last week I even had a scoop of baskin robbins peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, chipolte for dinner, a mcdonalds fish sandwich and apples for dinner, and a chicken sandwich from burgerking for lunch!!! of course not all on the same day!!! but the point is, I'm loosing weight, and changing how I eat BUT that doesn't mean I can't eat the good stuff too :)
I found my new favorit dessert........Skinny Cow Ice cream sandwiches!! I LOVE the chocolate ones and they are only 2 points each!!! :0) my other favorite, has been the smartones lunches, fast easy and balanced all in one!!
so there is update for week #2 , see ya next week!

a new diet

2008-05-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I started a new diet last week, in a last effort to get healthy without surgery I have joined weight watchers. so far I love the program, even though last week I only lost 0.8 lbs. LOL. I am paying the monthly fee to attend the meetings as well, it is alot of money that we don't have but I figure its safer and cheaper than the surgery.......wish me luck!