what a difference 24 hrs can make

I think everyone who actually reads my blog is a close friend, so you all know the struggles that Rob and I have faced medically and financially for the last decade or so. Today was another one of those roller coaster rides that I wanted to get off of. But it led to some changes, scary changes, but I think positive changes. First, Rob's unemployment quarter for benefits was adjusted for the new quarter...this dropped our benefits by HALF....meaning that the amount we had previously gotten was just enough to support us is nowhere near enough now. SO first order of business was to reorganize, put things on hold, decide who we could forgo paying, and reapply for state aid on Monday. No sooner did we have that conversation, and went back to talking to the kids and deciding what was for dinner, Rob came back into our bedroom to talk to me, and what he said caught me completely off guard, it made my heart break, and it made me scared and hopeful all in about 20 min.

Rob's health has been better than it was for the last 4 years, but it hasn't been great. Lately, it's been getting worse. about 6 months ago his treatments were increased so that he is receiving them every 6 weeks rather than every 8 to try and manage his symptoms and until recently it was working. But it seems that his symptoms have been returning. he is regularly completely exhausted, spends an average of 3-6 hrs a day in the bathroom and has been plagued by headaches for months now a couple of days a week.
yet even with all of this he was ready to enroll in classes this summer and talking about all the things he was going to need to do to get back to the university, little did I know he has been contemplating for a month the changes that came about tonight.

To my surprise, Rob came in tonight and finally after 8 years, said the words to me "I don't know if I can do this, I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I think it is time for me to stay home with the kids and for you to go back to school. How fast can you get your RN License and be working to support us?" I was so caught off guard that it took me a min. to respond. I could see that this was a hard thing for him, and as we talked he admitted that it wasn't what he wanted to do, he WANTED to be healthy, and be able to support his family financially, but the fact was he is sick, and he can't change it. he actually said the words "I am afraid I have painted us into a corner in my stubbornness, and I'm sorry.....but I am glad I know you are in the corner with me, so we can get out" My heart broke, to see him finally coming to terms with his illness, and honestly I panicked a little bit to realize that its all on me now.

SO plans have changed, Rob is going to drop his classes, I have enrolled in classes in Delano (45 min away) for this semester so that I can have priority registration in the spring. I am taking Interpersonal communication, Anthropology, Medical Terminology, and Mathematical Statistics. I am hoping to be able to stay with a friend up there on Monday's and Wednesdays so that I don't have to make the drive home after a 13 hr. day. After this semester I will have 4 science classes an English class and an intro nursing class to finish to apply for the program. I'm hoping that I can be applying by Fall 2012 and get in quickly because its a 2 year program.
In the mean time, Dad will be homeschooling the kids, and even babysitting like I have been to try and bring in the extra cash that my financial aid will be lacking, but he will be home, near a bathroom which he needs, and able to sleep at least 9 hrs a night since he won't have homework or any of that which he also needs.
I am going to try and get him to apply for SSDI as well to supplement our income, and hopefully we will get cash aid as well.
Dear friends, please keep us in your thoughts as we make all these changes. It is going to be a hard transition for all of us but I think that it will be a change for the better in the end.

changing my career goals- changing my life

For a very long time I have wanted to work with children, to be a medical professional, and to own my own business. Most of these ideas about who I wanted to be when I "grew up" changed drastically when I had children. My sole goal the last 8 years it seems has been simply to be the best mother and wife I can be, to give every ounce of what I have to my children. psychotically so.......yes I understand that is probably harsh, but I have seriously developed a psychosis over the years, to the point of having panic attacks and mental break downs when I felt like for any reason I was choosing to do something that took away from me being physically and emotionally available for my children at ALL times. The only job I have ever been able to hold for any length of time was at the animal ER. Because I knew, that I was only gone for 2 hrs before bed, and that they slept through my shift. I was there for play dates, birthdays, diaper changes, meals, ect. and they were young ( do you know I never left Matthew overnight or for more than a 2 hr dinner out, until I was 5 months pregnant with his sister?!). It actually got worse when they got older, then if I missed a trick or treat, if I wasn't active in the preschool and kindergarten class a minimum of 1 day a week, if I didn't accompany Matthew to every enrichment class every Wednesday, I was failing as far as I was concerned.

So, when I started college in 2007 I took two semesters of full time classes, I left my kids with a sitter or their dad a few hours every day, I told myself I could do it, it was worth it, It was NEEDED for me to get this degree....and yet I beat myself up, I cried, I sobbed...my poor husband...trying so hard to convince me that it was ok, that the kids were ok, that I WAS a good mom even if I didn't sit down to dinner every night with the kids.... and ultimately telling me to do whatever my heart needed to do. eventually I dropped my classes, all of them. Homeschooling 3 kids, enrichment, football practice, high school class days, I just couldn't be there for everything AND take my classes, and I wouldn't DARE to NOT be there!

This year, I realized that I had convinced myself that my demons, my childhood damages would some how affect my children. For some reason, I placed my fears in my children and vowed to protect them from something they didn't even know, from something they had never experienced. This year I realized, It was ME who was left alone with strangers for years, not having my family to trick or treat with or a mom or dad to go to parent conferences with, it was ME who felt cheated while mom and dad ran the business and I took care of a sibling, it was ME who wished that my mom had made it to more than 1 choir concert and ROTC parade in high school after missing 4 years of my life before. and no none of this was fair, and most of this I need to deal with still, but it's NOT my children!!! they have never known a day without mom or dad, they believe with all of their heart that we will be there tomorrow, because its what they know. I have given my children everything I got taken from me, and because of this it is OK for me to miss a football practice because I'm at class, or drop the kids of at enrichment once a month and NOT stay with them, because they KNOW I'll be at the next one, because they aren't afraid of MY demons!
I have been slowly spending more and more time doing little things for myself, I've lost 40 lbs this year, partly because I go to the gym 3-5 nights a week....and I miss bed time to do it! I go to the store without my kids, and I was forced this year (although a blessing in disguise!) to alternate between the kids enrichment classes every Wednesday meaning they only got me for one of their 3 classes every week, and I got to see that they were still OK!

All of this has lead to a change in my career goals. I had decided to complete a degree in child development mostly because it was fast and easy and something I could use to run an in-home preschool (aka. never having to leave my kids) BUT with my new Epiphany this year and my growth, I have decided to go back to my roots, back to what I wanted BEFORE kids...I'm so grateful not to feel like this makes me LESS of a mom!....soooo drum roll please.....

I have 6 classes left to take and I will be applying for the Registered Nursing Program at the junior college!!!!! after completing the program I will have my RN license and from there I want to get my BSN as a midwife and maybe one day I will start my own birthing center, but at the very least I will work with mommy's and babies. I am beyond excited to be doing something that I LOVE and I am praying that I have the strength to remind myself on these long nights of the things I have been learning this year!