Saturday, June 21, 2008

the battel with Aspergers

Sometimes I think we are doing good, great actually....Matthew has his rough times, his troubles, but overall, most people wouldn't guess he has aspergers, at least not untill they get to know him.
Then a night like tonight comes, and this ugly thing that has ahold of my son rears its ugly head, and i want to put my head in my hands and cry.
Tonight just before bed, matthew informs me that he wet the bed today and we need to change his sheets, so I grabed one of the extra sets, and procceeded to change it. Only I couldn't get the corner against the wall to hold the matteress, so I told him I would just spread it out on his bed and daddy would fix it tomarrow when he got home. I went to sing to his sister.
I come back in and he is so upset that he can't take a whole breath and his eyes are blotchy.
I'm frustrated its already 9pm and we have been fighting to go pee and get in bed in the first place, and need to get up early for showers before church.
so my response was none to nice it went something like: what the hell are you freaking out about!?
he tells me through tears that he doesn't want to sleep on plastic (his bed is covered incase of accidents), and I tell him that he can just sleep on the side where the sheet is....my patience is dwindeling and I am assuming this is simply another stalling tactic........
Matthew is all in an uproar when he says: What about bunny?(and he holds up the stuffed bunny he sleeps with)
My patience is gone now! "I don't give a crap about the bunny matthew, you need to go to sleep and daddy will fix your bed tomarrow, I'm tired, I did the best I could now just lay down and put bunny next to you and go to sleep!"

and then I see a glimmer of what has him in an uproar, its not simply stalling (which he was eagerly doing earlier!) his little quivering voice says " but bunny likes to sleep in the crack next to the wall and I always sleep on that side (he points towards the wall) and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" uhgggg, there it is, the aspergers peaking its ugly face out into our lives again, and now mommy feels like a compleat monster........he wasn't just being difficult, I had taken away his routine, his normalacy, and he was truely LOST and didn't know WHAT TO DO with the change in his bed and the place that his bunny slept every night! and all I did was get frustrated at him and scream at him and not even think that mabey he was out of his control, I hate myself when that happens!

I know I'm not perfect, I know that I'm a mom and I know that 90% of the time matthew is a typical boy, he stalls at bedtime, he trys to get away with things, all the normal little boy things, but that 10% is sooo hard!

I was going to make an appointment with the physcologist for the daily accidents he was having, but he seems to be doing better, but now I am thinking I need in anyway, if for nothing other than to talk about my frustrations as a parent and mabey find a support group!

I spent a few minuets with matthew, calming him down and hugging him, and we moved his sheet, he is sleeping peacfully, and my guilt is subsiding......tomarrow is a new day, we are both learning about all of this and niethier of us has it all figured out, I am lucky he is my son, and he loves me, because with that love, we can overcome anything!

2 comments:

Cheeziemommie said...

OH Megan this brought tears to my eyes. Mommy guilt can be a terrible weapon. I am so thankful that Matthew has YOU for a mommy. Someone who understands him so well even when others don't. ANd I know that someday Matthew will be thankful as well! You are doing an amazing job with him!!!!! Definitely inspiring! {{{{HUGS}}}

Terrance said...

Thank You. I am Aspergers Autistic and in my 30s. I did a google search for Aspergers and frustration and found your blog. I was diagnosed in my adulthood and my biggest problem has been interaction with " normal people" especially women. It has been a a source of frustration to a point where I wanted to give up. Reading this reminded me that interacting with people is out of my comfort zone. It is not easy but rewarding.

When dealing with your Aspie remember the most important word in your arsonal is "why". Aspies are highly logical. If you are able to explain that things can and will change and show him the rewards of change you will feel better and he will function better in society. You are his greatest asset and his strongest support. It is your reward and curse.

I look forward to future posts.