Sunday, September 8, 2013


Things are never easy are they? but being the care giver is hard. I know he doesn't like being sick, I try not to let him see me feel any other way than worried. It's not his fault that we can't go do certain things as a family, that our lives have taken a complete 180. or just the simple things like taking advantage of our kids being gone, Can't do that when your world is spinning. and now this morning I sit alone no kids to occupy me, no husband to visit with. but I try to be in a good mood for him. It is just SO HARD and LONELY.

Friday, April 20, 2012

dreams of......

I'm really tired of the anxiety, and of being tired, and frustrated. I'm dreaming now at night. every time its of a different life. with different people. people I know but who aren't a part of my daily life currently. In every dream I'm sad that I'm abandoning my family or leaving my husband, but happy and relieved to feel accomplished, or important in the "new life" I don't know what this means other than I don't like life now, want it to change, but want to take my husband and family with me?
at any rate, I've got 3 weeks till the end of this semester and I can't WAIT. I'm taking the summer off!!!! and next fall should be far less stressful.

Monday, February 27, 2012

can't let go

tonight is one of those nights. I just finished my homework, spent the day with my kids and wonderful hubby, and sit here thinking...why can't I let go of some of these thoughts? I still desperately want to have another baby, of course I shouldn't and won't since hubby doesn't want more anyway, but I still do. and I still find myself hurt, angry, grieving in a way, the fact that I am being forced to have a career and not be home raising my children. I love my husband, I am glad that I am able to support him and he is a good enough dad to home-school and do laundry and cook and take the kids here and there like I would, I know I'm blessed...but its not what I wanted, and its not fair and I don't like it! but, I suppose I will get over it all and find a way past it all in time. I want to be happy with my life and happy with who I am, and tonight I feel like a lot of that was taken from me. maybe some counseling is in order?

Monday, February 20, 2012

lost in the land of textbooks

Hi everyone!
well I made it through my first semester, passed all four of my classes with a 4.0, got through Christmas and have started my new semester since I last blogged! LOL This semester is considerably harder. I only have 3 classes, and they are all in town, however I am spending nearly 20 more hours a week than I was last semester. I'll save you from going back and re-reading...that's nearly 60 hrs a week that I spend in class or with my nose in a textbook! BUT, its paying off! we have been in class for 5 weeks now, just had all three of my first exams and I know I passed two of them with B's and am confident about the other. taking two science classes, one chemistry the other human anatomy/physiology has been VERY challenging! but I am blessed with a very supportive hubby who has helped me study and kept the kids busy so that I can have quite time to myself. My easiest class is actually the one I didn't even expect to like: research English!
My family has been getting along pretty well. there have been a few glitches with school stuff and dad getting his groove, but we are all managing!

we had Matthew tested in Dec/Jan. the Psychologist who did the testing was really great. the official findings we that he has an above average IQ, and PDD-NOS, as well as ADHD. all things we pretty much expected to hear. The positive side of getting an official diagnosis is that now we are able to get him signed up for the children's skills building group therapy, some OT for his repetitive hand movements, perching when he sits, pencil grasp issues, and possibly some outside community resources and support for all of us. I am hoping we can make the call this week to start getting things set up, because he and we certainly need it! Last week he decided to go one block behind ours when he was supposed to be playing out front on his bike. to make matters worse, he had removed his jacket and shoes, and left his bike in a friends yard (it was a chilly 45 degree evening!) and talk to some strange man at the mailbox! he just doesn't have the fear of strangers no matter what we do. this is the 4th time since kindergarten that we have had to reprimand him for befriending complete strangers and disappearing from where he is supposed to stay. Each year he seems to finally be doing better and then bam we are back to square one.
Luckily he did talk someone who didn't cause him any physical harm, and one of the moms on our street saw him and told him that we were looking for him and to go home! he desperately wants to do things that the kids his age are doing, but he just doesn't have the "common sense" to keep himself safe! its a catch 22 between letting him be a "normal" kids and being overly protective for us....I'm hoping some help from a professional will give us some direction.

the other two kids are doing good. Samantha is not at all interested in learning or school and would much rather watch movies and be lazy, not sure where this comes from but we are diligently trying to remove it from her understanding of what life is about! Robert is doing well, he still struggles in school but is passing his classes, ready to turn 18, and can't wait to finish this year of high school so that he can enlist in the navy, finish his senior year and get on with his life!

Rob is doing pretty well. he had a partial obstruction just two weeks ago, but it finally got him back in to see the GI Doc. he is having an upper GI x-ray some time in the next two weeks, and a colonoscopy on the 12th of march. they are also upping his remicade to 2x the dose he is on now. down side there being that he will be even more immune suppressed, and his risk of cancer will increase. He had some lab work done and his platelets were on the low side of normal and his RBC count was on the low side as well and WBC count was slightly elevated. of course all of these are typical of an immune-suppressed person, so we will just watch them. One big plus for him was that the VA came to a final decision about his disability claim. we are waiting for a call to find out the details, but in the mean time we saw a substantial deposit in our checking account for back payment, which has alleviated some of our stress about affording therapy for Matthew, getting the new washer and dryer we needed and just paying the bills in general!

I think that's all of the major updates. Oh I guess the fact that I am officially a year older now too! seems like the last 5 months have just FLOWN by! but we are 5 months closer to our future! :)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The life of a not so young college student!

Wow, school started a little over 3 weeks ago already and boy am I exhausted! it seems like everything is just flying by, each day is sort of a blur of the last and the next. My classes are going well, so far. I'm staying ahead as far as I can, and putting in about 40 hrs right now both at the college,driving, and doing homework. When I add to that trips to the store, picking up daycare kids from the bus for the hubby, girl scouts, dentists ect. I'm one busy cookie! Rob has taken over the role of homeschooler, house cleaner, cook, and babysitter incredibly well! I am so blessed that I have a husband who has always been active in our daily lives and was well aware how much WORK it took to keep the house functioning!
I try to pick up some slack for him on Tue/Thur afternoons and Friday's by running errands and doing the pick-up for him, and although it adds to my craziness, I am also greatful I get to do those little things to ease the load for him.

So, its almost the end of the THIRD week.....did I mention that already? did I also mention that I've missed 3 weeks of science and math lessons, 3 weeks of hearing my little girl read, 3 weeks of tuck ins, and I love you's and hey mom I don't understand how to do this.....Well I have, I've missed A LOT, and it makes me sad. BUT i've also gained 3 weeks of ground toward our future. So, on the rough days, like today, when I want to go home and tuck in my kids instead of going to terminology class, or on the mornings when Samantha asks me to stay home and I tell her I want to but have to go yet secretly aching to just relent and stay with her.......on those rough days, I remember I'm closer to our goal and it will all be worth it in the end! For now, I am just going to just keep breathing and keep taking those ever so important steps, just like my family is doing at home, and together, we will get to the finish line!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

what a difference 24 hrs can make

I think everyone who actually reads my blog is a close friend, so you all know the struggles that Rob and I have faced medically and financially for the last decade or so. Today was another one of those roller coaster rides that I wanted to get off of. But it led to some changes, scary changes, but I think positive changes. First, Rob's unemployment quarter for benefits was adjusted for the new quarter...this dropped our benefits by HALF....meaning that the amount we had previously gotten was just enough to support us is nowhere near enough now. SO first order of business was to reorganize, put things on hold, decide who we could forgo paying, and reapply for state aid on Monday. No sooner did we have that conversation, and went back to talking to the kids and deciding what was for dinner, Rob came back into our bedroom to talk to me, and what he said caught me completely off guard, it made my heart break, and it made me scared and hopeful all in about 20 min.

Rob's health has been better than it was for the last 4 years, but it hasn't been great. Lately, it's been getting worse. about 6 months ago his treatments were increased so that he is receiving them every 6 weeks rather than every 8 to try and manage his symptoms and until recently it was working. But it seems that his symptoms have been returning. he is regularly completely exhausted, spends an average of 3-6 hrs a day in the bathroom and has been plagued by headaches for months now a couple of days a week.
yet even with all of this he was ready to enroll in classes this summer and talking about all the things he was going to need to do to get back to the university, little did I know he has been contemplating for a month the changes that came about tonight.

To my surprise, Rob came in tonight and finally after 8 years, said the words to me "I don't know if I can do this, I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I think it is time for me to stay home with the kids and for you to go back to school. How fast can you get your RN License and be working to support us?" I was so caught off guard that it took me a min. to respond. I could see that this was a hard thing for him, and as we talked he admitted that it wasn't what he wanted to do, he WANTED to be healthy, and be able to support his family financially, but the fact was he is sick, and he can't change it. he actually said the words "I am afraid I have painted us into a corner in my stubbornness, and I'm sorry.....but I am glad I know you are in the corner with me, so we can get out" My heart broke, to see him finally coming to terms with his illness, and honestly I panicked a little bit to realize that its all on me now.

SO plans have changed, Rob is going to drop his classes, I have enrolled in classes in Delano (45 min away) for this semester so that I can have priority registration in the spring. I am taking Interpersonal communication, Anthropology, Medical Terminology, and Mathematical Statistics. I am hoping to be able to stay with a friend up there on Monday's and Wednesdays so that I don't have to make the drive home after a 13 hr. day. After this semester I will have 4 science classes an English class and an intro nursing class to finish to apply for the program. I'm hoping that I can be applying by Fall 2012 and get in quickly because its a 2 year program.
In the mean time, Dad will be homeschooling the kids, and even babysitting like I have been to try and bring in the extra cash that my financial aid will be lacking, but he will be home, near a bathroom which he needs, and able to sleep at least 9 hrs a night since he won't have homework or any of that which he also needs.
I am going to try and get him to apply for SSDI as well to supplement our income, and hopefully we will get cash aid as well.
Dear friends, please keep us in your thoughts as we make all these changes. It is going to be a hard transition for all of us but I think that it will be a change for the better in the end.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

changing my career goals- changing my life

For a very long time I have wanted to work with children, to be a medical professional, and to own my own business. Most of these ideas about who I wanted to be when I "grew up" changed drastically when I had children. My sole goal the last 8 years it seems has been simply to be the best mother and wife I can be, to give every ounce of what I have to my children. psychotically so.......yes I understand that is probably harsh, but I have seriously developed a psychosis over the years, to the point of having panic attacks and mental break downs when I felt like for any reason I was choosing to do something that took away from me being physically and emotionally available for my children at ALL times. The only job I have ever been able to hold for any length of time was at the animal ER. Because I knew, that I was only gone for 2 hrs before bed, and that they slept through my shift. I was there for play dates, birthdays, diaper changes, meals, ect. and they were young ( do you know I never left Matthew overnight or for more than a 2 hr dinner out, until I was 5 months pregnant with his sister?!). It actually got worse when they got older, then if I missed a trick or treat, if I wasn't active in the preschool and kindergarten class a minimum of 1 day a week, if I didn't accompany Matthew to every enrichment class every Wednesday, I was failing as far as I was concerned.

So, when I started college in 2007 I took two semesters of full time classes, I left my kids with a sitter or their dad a few hours every day, I told myself I could do it, it was worth it, It was NEEDED for me to get this degree....and yet I beat myself up, I cried, I poor husband...trying so hard to convince me that it was ok, that the kids were ok, that I WAS a good mom even if I didn't sit down to dinner every night with the kids.... and ultimately telling me to do whatever my heart needed to do. eventually I dropped my classes, all of them. Homeschooling 3 kids, enrichment, football practice, high school class days, I just couldn't be there for everything AND take my classes, and I wouldn't DARE to NOT be there!

This year, I realized that I had convinced myself that my demons, my childhood damages would some how affect my children. For some reason, I placed my fears in my children and vowed to protect them from something they didn't even know, from something they had never experienced. This year I realized, It was ME who was left alone with strangers for years, not having my family to trick or treat with or a mom or dad to go to parent conferences with, it was ME who felt cheated while mom and dad ran the business and I took care of a sibling, it was ME who wished that my mom had made it to more than 1 choir concert and ROTC parade in high school after missing 4 years of my life before. and no none of this was fair, and most of this I need to deal with still, but it's NOT my children!!! they have never known a day without mom or dad, they believe with all of their heart that we will be there tomorrow, because its what they know. I have given my children everything I got taken from me, and because of this it is OK for me to miss a football practice because I'm at class, or drop the kids of at enrichment once a month and NOT stay with them, because they KNOW I'll be at the next one, because they aren't afraid of MY demons!
I have been slowly spending more and more time doing little things for myself, I've lost 40 lbs this year, partly because I go to the gym 3-5 nights a week....and I miss bed time to do it! I go to the store without my kids, and I was forced this year (although a blessing in disguise!) to alternate between the kids enrichment classes every Wednesday meaning they only got me for one of their 3 classes every week, and I got to see that they were still OK!

All of this has lead to a change in my career goals. I had decided to complete a degree in child development mostly because it was fast and easy and something I could use to run an in-home preschool (aka. never having to leave my kids) BUT with my new Epiphany this year and my growth, I have decided to go back to my roots, back to what I wanted BEFORE kids...I'm so grateful not to feel like this makes me LESS of a mom!....soooo drum roll please.....

I have 6 classes left to take and I will be applying for the Registered Nursing Program at the junior college!!!!! after completing the program I will have my RN license and from there I want to get my BSN as a midwife and maybe one day I will start my own birthing center, but at the very least I will work with mommy's and babies. I am beyond excited to be doing something that I LOVE and I am praying that I have the strength to remind myself on these long nights of the things I have been learning this year!