I know I just had a wonderful vacation, and the kids have started school, but I just can't blog about all of that right now........another time mabey.
In other news: I don't know what I have done in this life or a past one, but the Creator of this universe and those who lead me must be eithier really pissed at me or just lacking all concern!
We got back from our S.C. trip, and found out that due to the drop in oil prices, my husband's services were "no longer needed" at the lease in oxnard. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!
AGAIN we are without employment, and here is the kicker....we don't qualify for state aid! two reasons, 1st. Rob is technically still "employed" by HDB so that his dad can HOPEFULLY find some contract work for him to do, and 2nd, we own ( and by own I mean pay for!) two "new" cars. So here I sit, "borrowing" internet wi-fi, waiting and praying that one of the 5 places I applyed at on tuesday, will call me for an interview......I found 3 more to apply for today after I pick up the kids and can go to my FIL's to print my resume.
So here's the scoop, I'm behind 2 months as of 9-1-08 on all my utilites, I'm in the hole $341 as of this morning at the bank, one car payment was due 3 days ago the other is due in 10 days along with the insurance for them. Rob gets a partial check tomarrow......praying that it covers the cars and gas!
My kids are both in school this week,(speaking of, how many parents do you think had to pay for thier kids book bag with $7 in dimes and a few quarters?, I wanted to just hide my face when I handed the teacher the baggie! but she didn't seem to notice!) so I have been driving to and from rosedale all week picking matthew up, and to top it all of, yesterday morning I noticed my gas tank cap was off of the van (Rob just went and filled me up with his dad's credit card the night before......now that card is maxed but at least we got some gas, THANKS DAD!) I get in the car and I have........ 1/2 of a tank! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? not only are we poorer than dirt, but someone syphoned our gas??????? FUCK!!!!!!!
School starts on Monday for Rob and I, we re-arranged his schedual so that he is in class Mon-Thur. from 7am-10:30am and can the go and pick up the kids, and I dropped all of my classes and picked up a few online so that i can get a job.
Oh and did I mention my cousin from Colorado is coming to visit us on Wed. the 27th until the 1st. of September? she already bought her plane tickets, and I don't even know how we are going to afford to go and pick her up from LAX let alone how I am going to feed her while she is here!
On an up note I'm loosing weight, trying to conserve our meat in the freezer so we are having "normal" portions every night instead of the ammount we would normally eat. Also eating lots of frozed veggies to fill me up while rob and the kids eat more pasta and veggies with each meal too, I guess being poor is forcing us to be healthy?
I think I can get our grocceries to last another 2 weeks or so, we might be living on spaghettie for a few days, but at least it will taste good! :)
My stomach hurts, I'm exhausted, I still need to give samantha's preschool her $5 desaster money....oh well it can wait..... I am going to go cash in our cans so I can buy the dog food tonight, that should last her a month at least.
Please Please Please, Let someone call me back about an interview!!! I have given myself until friday evening for a call back, and then I am headed to denny's and longs, and all the other minimum wage, crappy hours, part time jobs I can think of. Worst case scenario, I drop my classes compleatly for a while and get two part time jobs........need to leave the weekends open so Rob can do contract work when its avaliable, can't beat his $20 an hour if I tried!
Why does this happen to us? its become such a normal occurance that I can't even cry about it, I just feel hopeless, yet I know somehow we will make it, we always do....I don't have any tears left for these struggles we have had to many years of them....yet I don't know how much longer I can grit my teeth and put my nose to the grind stone, I don't know how much longer I can pull up on my boot straps, how many more times before they break? how many more times before I break? What other option is there? Shouldn't I just be happy we have a home, and food in the pantry and health insurance? yes I SHOULD, but somehow I'm not......mabey I'm selfish, mabey I expect to much, but I want MORE, I want to pay my utilities, I want to not owe my bank money, I want to be able to afford to have two cars in our family, I want my husband to be able to work so that I can volunteer in my kids class rooms, I want to go to school and get a degree so that I am worth more to the "world", I want to know that I can afford the books for my classes, I want to not have to leave my husband so that some government agiency will help pay for my college career or food for my family, I want someone to say....you are a family, and husband and wife with children who are trying so hard to make a better way for yourselves in the wake of trials and tribulations, in the wake of chronic illness, in the wake of disabilities, of hard times and low times.......you, BOTH of you, stuck it out, you didn't get divorced, you didn't loose your kids, you arn't drug addicted, or alcohoics, your just struggling, and we can help......I wish that someone could HELP, I wish that someone would see how hard we have tried, how much we want a better life, how much we NEED a chance to overcome our illnesses and bad luck....I wish Life would give us a CHANCE, just once.......let us keep a job, let us keep our health, let us better ourselves.......I don't want a hand out, I just want to be able to support my family and live a comfortable life in a nice home, i don't want anyone to GIVE me anything, I just want someone to help ME ACHIEVE, help Rob ACHIEVE a few of our DREAMS.
Why can't we catch a break? why is this life so hard? what is the lesson I am supposed to be learning? I know no one has the answers, and some would say trust in God, and everything happens for a reason....but right now I need some answers!
Every bone in my body wants to Run as fast as I can from this life, I want to give up and just not get out of bed, I want to leave this life behind and start again, I want a DO OVER.
and yet my brain says, be logical, before long you will have a job, and my heart reminds me that my babies need me, and that my husband loves me, and that leaving wouldn't fix it, giving up doesn't fix it........so I'm off to pick up my children, and smile at them and tell them I love them and make there lives wonderful because that is what they deserve and no matter how much Life tries to break me THEY will NEVER KNOW IT, thier life will be everything it has been, no matter what!
2 comments:
oh darling i am so sorry. I did a cursory look and this is all I could find for now ( http://www.sccgov.org/portal/site/scc/chlevel3?path=%2Fv7%2FSCC%20Public%20Portal%2FHealth%20and%20Human%20Care%2FFinancial%20Assistance%2FFinancial%20Assistance%20for%20Families%20with%20Children)
It really doesn't make any sense as to why there's no support for full families. And you guys have had crap handed to you since day 1. It's why you moved to CA. I would like to see you guys comfortable and relaxed and happy. Mostly happy.
I say come back to colorado. We need you BADLY at the ER and it pays more than before (not much but still). Cost of living is lower. And maybe you could sell the house you're in? And buy one here? Hmmm? HmmmmmmmMMMMMMmmmmmm?
I love you, girl and just want to see you guys get on your feet. I know you love Cali and I can't compete with that (esp the lack of snow)...I know you have people who love you just as much as I do out there...I just hate seeing you like this and not being able to take you out for a drink or to chill out and just talk. It's hard having you so far away.
****HUGS****
*BIG HUG* Oh Megan I am so sorry all this is happening to you. I know how you feel. You know i do.
I wish there was some way I could help you. I wish financially or in the way you helped me. But unfortunately all I can offer you right now is a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen and my prayers. We are still trying to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in and still barely scraping by. And still trying to figure out if we will file bankruptcy. Plus Peter is back to 1 part time job now (long story).
Anywho, I hope things start to look up for you. And just remember my job may not call you back right away. When i applied I didnt get a call back for 2 weeks for an interview an then another week for the job. I know that seems like eternity ecspecially when you need money.
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