life is limbo

I've notice for years that I have felt repeatedly like my life is IN limbo....nothing has ever stayed the same for long, always things are changing, and unsure. Recently I have come to the conclusion that my life IS limbo....these things that keep happening- jobs changing, children growing and struggling, routines being adjusted, they were all things that until now I had hoped would settle down and become something familiar and comfortable if I waited it out long enough I would find my peace. Instead what I have found is that these things are never going to happen, jobs will keep changing, kids will keep struggling, routines will continue to change and nothing will ever be the same from day to day.
financially I believe we will always be in this place, of barely making the ends meet. after all, once Rob actually gets a teaching job in a high school somewhere, we will be paying off student loans and helping Robert start in college, and then when he finally gets a job at a university in 5 years, Matthew will be 2 years from graduating high school, we will be buying new cars and paying off his masters degree loans and starting to prepare to have two children in College....all of this is of course holding onto the hope that Rob's health holds up and he is able to get a good job with the degree that he is obtaining. But to be honest, finances at this point in our lives are something I just survive anymore...there is very little you can do to plan for the unforeseen when you are barely making it to begin with!

The other thing I have come to terms with recently is my own peace and calm and feeling of togetherness. I have decided recently that I will never find that which I am searching for. That feeling of overwhelmed chaos, of grasping at sanity, feeling unaccomplished and constantly managing things around me isn't going to end until MAYBE my children are out of the house...MAYBE...
I am trying to cushion myself, trying to find places of support for parents of children with Asperger's, I'm looking for a support group for spouses with partners who are chronically ill, and also into personal counseling. I am really hoping that if I give myself an outlet, a place to be the NOT strong one, and a place where I am not afraid to let it all out and let be what it is I will feel less overwhelmed and maybe more at peace.
For right now I am hanging on by a very thin thread of emotional and physical appearance of normalcy. Although, internally I am very much afraid that I am falling apart, but I have come to the point where I don't even want to talk about it with anyone because I am tired of always being the one who is falling apart in some aspect of her life, there is nothing anyone can say that they haven't said before, and there is nothing anyone can do to make sure that any of these things don't happen to us anymore. For the rest of my life I will be the mother of a child with Asperger's who struggles to function in society in a normal way, I will always be the wife of a man who at any point could loose his job due to an unforeseen bout of digestive health issues, or vertigo. For the rest of my life I will agonize over choosing to be a mother, a home school-er, and a wife rather than a career woman who could have provided for her family and yet would have held the guilt of not being the mother that I believe I should be (I can't fathom not being available to my children 24/7 I feel more than strongly, to my very core actually, that if I am NOT available to them and active with them at ALL times that I have failed them) I know that it is not logical that I feel this way, but it is who I am and it is what I have chosen and it is what I will live in forever.

I guess what I'm saying is I have given up at my own happiness and my own dreams. I have decided to do what I need to survive and HOPEFULLY make life a little easier and happier for my children so that they don't have to live the way that I am. I had dreams of owning my own daycare or children/mothers clothing store, I had dreams of being financially stable of providing what my family needed without worry of grabbing a Starbucks coffee once or twice a week, I had dreams of Family vacations once or twice in my children's life time to places like Disney Land or Sea World, I had a dream of buying my own home with a nice fenced in yard that was in a safe neighborhood and retiring in it to have a place for my kids to bring their families.
Now I simply dream that my children will be able to do these things, because we will work so hard for the rest of our lives to make sure that they can. I will educate them, I will help them to attend college and graduate before they are 30 so that they can travel and buy a home and have a family and do all of the things that I will never do because I have become who I am and I will always be a life of Limbo. It is what it is, I accept it and I now must learn to live in it and still maintain my facade of contentment and strength, a person who people see as strong and amazing and optimistic...its what I want everyone to see, especially my children so that they can be more than what is the REAL me because the real me is not a very good or happy person, she is bitter, she is angry, she is discouraged and she is broken beyond repair I fear....