SO I've realized more about this journey into hopelessness....more ideas of where it has come from...
1st, I have lost what faith I had in a spirit or energy larger than my self, I think this used to make me feel like there was a bigger plan for my life, a bigger reason for why I went through in my life, from birth forward I have struggled....now I am believing that all of that was crap, I've struggled because I drew the short straw, sometimes that happens I suppose.
2nd I have found that some of my distress comes from my approaching birthday. I had previously convinced myself that the first few years of my marriage that started at 18, the first few years of parenthood that started at 21, those were supposed to be times when young couples and young families struggled, this was a natural thing...I mean sure our struggles were a bit extream, but still, we were young this was how life was supposed to be right? Well I realized the other day that none of the goals I had set for myself to reach by the time I was 30 have been reached. I haven't purchased my own home, I don't have a degree, I'm not a room mom, I'm not involved in the PTA or a big sports program with my kids, My husband doesn't have a steady job, we don't take family vacations, we have to retirement plan or investments, I don't have neighbors that I am friends with, my kids don't play in the nice backyard with kids from the neighborhood. I know this probably sounds silly, but its the picture I made for myself...my birthday is about 6 weeks away and that picture, those things won't happen either because they never will due to circumstances and health, or because I just don't have time to get them accomplished while helping to support everyone else in what they need. I am responsible for my children's education and for supporting my husband in his educational goals and health needs, he has assured me that everyone in our family is what they are and has gotten to where they are in life because of my support...somehow that doesn't make me feel any better....but I'm working on it....how do you move forward when your facing a milestone birthday and every dream you have had for yourself aside from marriage and children has been crushed?? that's the question of the week...
1 comment:
know what? i'm not friends with my neighbors, I am not a room mom or part of the PTA or PTO. I have a degree from a 2 year trade school, not a BS from a big college (which was my goal). I am petrified of letting people in my house. Scott has a steady job but hasn't ever had the work ethic that I do.....I can't work full time without going batshit crazy but I have a fantastic work ethic. AND scott is planning to go back to school next year......for a real degree.
Without someone like you, most people cannot exist. It's not desirable or easy right now to be the lynchpin of the family but if anyone can do it, it is you.
You are almost 30 - still young as ever - with 2 kids that are loved and cared for the way they are just because you sacrifice yourself for them. Owning a home is over-rated in many ways because it is not only an investment but a liability and many times a money pit. Family vacations are fun in theory....but I wouldn't really know. We haven't taken any really. Just that one last March but it was to convince the kids that Houston was an ok place to be...
I think what I am trying to say is....be happy with where you are because you are not only growing inside, but you are nurturing two kids who will make their future a reality because of you. You have accomplished more than you know.
Call me if you wanna vent sweetie.
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