Matthew is an amazing, smart, energetic, curious, loving little boy. He is also a very destructive, loud, aloof, child who is unable to make logical connections.... like when mom says "stop singing at the table" he says "ok" and then starts humming, and when I look at him and say " I said STOP!" he says quite matter of factly and in no way being a smart-aleck "I did! you said stop SINGING, I'm humming" or when I look at my wall in the bedroom right above my head and I see the equations: 1 +1=2 1-1=0 written on it, and I say "are you supposed to write on things other than paper?" and he says "no" and I say "well then why did you write this here?" and he says "I don't know, it was in my head and I wanted to write it down?" I say "why didn't you write it one paper?" he says "because I didn't have any paper!" you see he doesn't have that ability to control the impulses, he has something in his head and he has to say it, share it or write it. he doesn't make the logical step that the person he's speaking to has asked him to wait a second, he already started a thought and even if you talk through him, he WILL finish it, he will write repeatedly and draw on nearly every surface in my house no matter how many times I have had him clean it off, or talked about the "rules" about drawing and writing. He will follow someone who is walking away to finish telling them something he finds interesting, and he doesn't hear or understand the cues of a persons voice who is no longer interested in what he was speaking about. He can NOT clean his room with any sort of order, unless everything is labeled and there is a small amount of things to be put away, mind you that would mean that he left the labels on his drawers rather than having the need to peel them off whenever I've put anything up! everything he sees is like its in a 1-2 foot circle outside of his body, and if what he is looking for or trying to do is outside of that circle then he can't find it or accomplish it, He's so Intelligent. He's reading and spelling, and doing math problems that are at least a grade level above his peers and he comprehends what he reads and remembers his spelling words like no other...he turned 8 on Sunday and for nearly a year now he has been able to spell "because" you know how many times we went over it last year?----- 3! he can do all of these academic things, and yet...he can't Not draw on the wall, or think about the idea that taking the picture hanging on his wall off the wall putting it on his bed and standing on it to see what would happen might not be a GOOD idea...did he know he shouldn't have? yes, he said he did, when I asked him why he would do that.... while I'm trying to make sure there are no glass shards on his bed... he says "I just wanted to see what would happen and if it could hold my weight"
Nothing he owns has any personal value to him in the short term...long term he can be upset if I take something away and he really wants it he swears he can take care of it and be careful with it (the dvd movies, his DS, his games, his books) but as soon as he gets it back he is back to square one its like he cares about it, but not enough to encourage him to stop his destructive behavior.
I am literally at my whits end with all of this, I am a very patient person, Matthew is 8 years old, and yet I follow him around and barricade my home as if I still have a toddler...a very intelligent, tall, strong toddler...one who can use chairs to get to things, climb on counters and into closets, and over baby gates and open doors..and I am exhausted! I am always on alert, because if I'm not things like the picture frame, and drawings and broken things happen, and I have to clean up the aftermath. I'm so tired...I want a nice house, one where things get put away regularly when mom asks (not all the time of course, and not on their own, I'm not that dilluted!) but a house where I can hang nice things on the walls without fear of them being dislodged and used as a toy, I'd like to have an oil diffusor or candles out without fear of the house being burnt down, or having to call poison control because matthew wanted to "taste" it. I want my kids to be able to have an art and craft area, one that has color crayons and color-books and paper and pencils that they can use to create when they would like without the fear of the artwork being on my walls and door and counters. I want to be able to let Matthew play outside on the trampoline or the swing set or his skateboard and when I say stay out of the dirt he actually does it 90% of the time rather than being in the dirt 90% of the time. I'd love to not have to clean laundry to the tune of 4 pairs of jeans and underwear a day because "he didn't realize he had to go" while he was playing, or doing school work or watching t.v. Yes I know, set a timer and have him go every 30min/hr./2hrs I've heard it, and I've done it...yest it works...but I have to CONTINUE to do it FOREVER do you know how much energy it takes to remind your child to do something EVERY 2 hrs all day long for YEARS??(because you must realize that Matthew won't go on his own when he hears the timer after a while, simply because it becomes something he is used to hearing and so he tunes it out like the rest of the things going on around him..therefor I will have to vocally que him) on top of reminding them of the other basic things you do during the day, schooling them and keeping a house as well as reminding your other two children of the things they need to accomplish? because the amount of energy it takes is DRAINING...so draining that doing 4-5 loads of laundry a day seems like a better deal, that is until you have some much laundry to do that you can't catch up anymore no matter how hard you try.... did I mention I'm exhausted? I'm burnt out? I'm frustrated?
but the alternative is worse....put him in public school, when he is teased a, even at the charter school when I'm not there for one class and with his sister or a few feet behind the class observing, by children his own age and called a "freak" because of his inability to understand a joke, or where his is picked on because he doesn't know how to "watch for the teacher" before tormenting your class mates so when a child pushes, hits, ect him and he retaliates he is the one the teacher sees...and it doesn't occur to him to tell the teacher....and hes far to intelligent to be comfortable in a special ED program, he would know that the other kids had some major issues, and he wouldn't understand why he couldn't be with the kids his age or his "friends" (remember if you talk to Matthew or show any interest in something his is doing or saying at all you are now his friend forever, even if you walked away, or called him a freak, or hurt him by pulling on his arms purposefully, you are still his friend, and he will still seek you out and let you continue this behavior because he doesn't understand those social cues)
My hear aches for my son...he is such a loving intelligent child...he has so much to offer this world, but I fear if he doesn't develop some ability to create a system to function in society, to control his impulsiveness, to learn some of the cues of social interaction that he will not be able to use any of his gifts because he won't be able to actually exist in the outside world in any productive manner. And I have determined that I am having a hard time figuring out how to help him do that without exhausting myself!
I am going to an Asperger's/high functioning autism - parent support group tonight. I hope that it helps!
here are some of matthews more perminante art work and some of the most recent stuff that I will be having him remove shortly!
first, on the wall in the kitchen by the cat water dish
second: on his desk area for school...this one was in the last 24 hrs and will be cleaned today
the equation on my wall above my bed:
a music box that I got for chirstmas from a friend last year:
what happens to the paint on the wall by the toilet when matthew is bored while going potty...or at night when everyone is sleeping and he can't:
matthew's door, its kinda hard to see but there is read marker drawings along the whole thing from top to bottom as well:
one side of the furnace in the hallway
the other side of the furnace, along with the peeled drywall from the pressure crack that he just HAD to pull off.
the other side of the hallway:
my craft shelves
the wall behind the dresser in Robert's room
there are a few more, like the giant red "M" on my printer and the black lightning bolt in marker by the coffee pot on the wall, but you get the idea...everything in pencil is relatively new within the last week, marker is obviously older and not going anywhere..... UHG!
1 comment:
sweetie - hugs. I understand. Andy isn't as dependent on me but i deal with many of the same problems.
have you tried magic eraser on the markers? took a whole pad but it got sharpie off my wall after the sharpie had been sitting a few months....
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