feelings

There has been so much continuing to go on lately that I am finding myself FULL of feelings. I just haven't been able to figure out where to put them all....

First and foremost, I am anxious and stressed. We have had to reapply for unemployment for Rob starting with the "new" quarter. Meaning that his benefits will not be ending in the first of July, but lasting until mid October some time, and we are eligible for an additional TWO extensions from this claim that could buy us another 4-6 months on top of the 18 weeks of original benefits. This was all GREAT news, but of course it came with the bad too. Since the last company he worked with was only for a few months, his benefit amount was adjusted and by adjusted I mean decreased by 1/3 so now instead of getting $1900 a month we will be getting $1200 a month. We have budgeted in every way possible, and we just can't quite make all the bills no matter what we do!
I've put a job application out to every mega and small chain drug store, retail store, movie store, and grocery store in town with no success.
We have decided to cancel our gym membership, and soon the internet will go to, after that it will be our cell phone services being downgraded. Thursday of this week we are headed to the food stamp office, now that we are making less, we should qualify for assistance, and if I don't have to worry about groceries, then we can afford to pay the car payment, insurance, and utilities, along with cell phones each month and even keep the internet probably, but that will leave us with NOTHING each week beyond gas money.
with all of this going on I am feeling grateful to, I'm grateful that I have such amazing family that provides a roof over our heads and medical insurance free of charge, I'm grateful that I have friends that although they live on the complete other side of the USA have helped us in every way they can. I'm grateful for our health, I think if Rob were sick right now I might loose it!
However, with my gratefulness comes loneliness. I feel so incredibly lonely right now. My closest friends live well over a thousand miles from me, and although there words and monetary assistance and phone calls mean the world to me, what I could use more than anything is a few hugs, a night out for coffee or a drink....the chance to truly be surrounded and embraced by someone who could just let me cry and fall apart a little bit.
And all of that makes me fearful, I have been nauseous for well over two weeks now off and on, with no REAL explanation other than stress. Rob has commented that I seem to be doing really well I'm not short with the kids as much as I have been in the past when things happen, I'm not as weepy, and given that I am not on any more anti depressants it appears I'm doing quite well. I am doing well holding it all together right now, because I am truly afraid that if I let myself fall apart I may not be able to get back together. nearly 11 years of barely able to keep our heads from going under has taken its toll on me. I'm tired, I'm angry, I feel betrayed, let down, and hopeless, and yet there is a little part of me that remains grateful, so I am clinging to that feeling holding tight to the little threads of hope that everyone has thrown us praying that the ends hold fast and that once more we can pull ourselves from the piles of crap we have been covered in....only this time I'm not so sure??